Leslie Knope: I would like to be president someday, so no, I've not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.
Tom Haverford: [to camera] Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the name of rappers.
Leslie Knope: And those over there?
Tom Haverford: Uh, those are some Diddies. There's some Bonethugs and Harmoniums right there.
Leslie Knope: Growing beautifully.
Tom Haverford: Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
Leslie Knope: Look, someone planted something new. What's this?
[Touches a marijuana leaf]
Leslie Knope: What do you think, carrots? If that's true, we have a garden pest on our hands.
[Smells the leaf]
Leslie Knope: Maybe some kind of spice?
Tom Haverford: Yeah. You know, Leslie, the best way to figure out what kind of spice that is, is to roll it up in a joint and smoke it.
Ron Swanson: I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it... successfully, but this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing.
[Flashback of Ron sneezing, then howling]
Ron Swanson: But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good. I got this.
Leslie Knope: You're not from here, right?
Tom Haverford: No, I'm from South Carolina.
Leslie Knope: But you moved to South Carolina from where?
Tom Haverford: My mother's uterus.
Leslie Knope: But you were conceived in Libya, right?
Tom Haverford: Wow. No. I was conceived in America. My parents are Indian.
Leslie Knope: Where did the name Haverford come from?
Tom Haverford: My birth name is Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani. Then I changed it to Tom Haverford, because you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it far into politics.
Leslie Knope: What about Barack Obama?
Tom Haverford: Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a guy named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, yeah, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.
Ann Perkins: I just wanna check one last time that you're okay about this date with Mark.
[Pours coffee for Leslie, who is putting chocolate syrup in her cup at the same time]
Leslie Knope: Oh my God, I am so fine with it, Ann, seriously. It's so fine! As long as you and I are cool. You know my code: hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses.
[Leslie puts whipped cream atop her coffee]
Ann Perkins: Got it.
Leslie Knope: Ovaries before brovaries.
[Eats whipped cream]
Leslie Knope: You make such good coffee.
Ann Perkins: Look, I know you're saying you're okay with it, but I've been in this position before, and I had a friend who dated an ex, and I said I was okay, but I wasn't actually. It was kind of weird.
Leslie Knope: The thing is, Mark isn't my ex. You know, we slept together six years ago. Anyway, I 'm over it. Or am I? Just kidding.