Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious giant dictator?
Rajesh Koothrappali: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard Wolowitz: That's why I added the "tator".
Leonard Hofstadter: Will you please take that stupid hat off?
Howard Wolowitz: No, I want to blend in.
Rajesh Koothrappali: To what? Toy Story?
Penny: Leonard, you're back!
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I just stopped by to...
[Penny grabs Leonard and kisses him]
Leonard Hofstadter: [taken completely by surprise] Yeah, so, hi.
[Penny pulls Leonard into her apartment and slams the door]
Howard Wolowitz: Damn it, I should have gone over and told her we were back.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [sarcastically] Yeah, it was first come, first serve.
Sheldon Cooper: This is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I'll spend the rest of my life here in Texas, trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mary: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon Cooper: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mary: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon Cooper: [to the others] I forgive you. Let's go home.
Mary: Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.
Leonard Hofstadter: It was the only way to make him happy.
Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan! We were going to throw his Kindle outside and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
Sheldon Cooper: That seems like a bit of an overreaction!
Leonard Hofstadter: No. The overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell "mush!"
Mary: If you recall when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids.
Sheldon Cooper: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.
Mary: Oh, baby, they knew very well why they hated you.
Leonard Hofstadter: How about that? I finally caught a break.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know how they say when friends have sex it can get weird?
Leonard Hofstadter: Why does it have to get weird?
Penny: I don't know.
Leonard Hofstadter: I mean, we were friends, and now we're more than friends. We're whatever this is. But why label it, right? I mean, it is what it is and...
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: It's weird.
Leonard Hofstadter: Totally.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, thank God we're home!
Howard Wolowitz: I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
Rajesh Koothrappali: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.
Sheldon Cooper: I realize you're currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to go to Texas!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, right, and I do? My people already crossed the desert once. We're done!
Sheldon Cooper: [to his "spot" on the couch] Hello, old friend.
Sheldon Cooper: Daddy's home.
Howard Wolowitz: [about his moustache] I call it the Clooney.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty...
Sheldon Cooper: That's for when I'm sick. Sad is not sick.
Penny: Oh, sorry. I don't know your sad song.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't have a sad song. I'm not a child.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't believe you bought a red cowboy hat.
Howard Wolowitz: Hello? I'm wearing a red turtleneck. Plus it was the only boys' large they had.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey. Listen, since we got, you know, interrupted last night, I didn't have a chance to give you this.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, you shouldn't have. Oh, boy! What is it?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a snowflake. From the North Pole.
Penny: Are you serious?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh. It'll last forever. I preserved it in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin.
Penny: Oh, my God. That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me that I didn't understand.
Leonard Hofstadter: [trying to get intimate with Penny] Man, I cannot catch a break!
Penny: Well, wait a second, Leonard, come on, how can you not go? He's your best friend.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I already saw him naked. Come here.
Penny: No. I promise I will be here when you get back. Just go help Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Penny: Yeah. We waited a few months. We can wait a few more days.
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe *you* can.
Sheldon Cooper: I just want you both to know when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions.
Howard Wolowitz: Grace.
Sheldon Cooper: And of course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get around to writing my memoirs, you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.
Sheldon Cooper: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely, Leonard didn't know.
Howard Wolowitz: Actually, it was his idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: [Whispering] Do not make a sound.
Sheldon Cooper: Whispering "do not make a sound" is a sound.
Leonard Hofstadter: Damn his Vulcan hearing!
Rajesh Koothrappali: [Whispering] We have to tell him.
Sheldon Cooper: Tell me what?
Howard Wolowitz: Damn his Vulcan hearing.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, how's Sheldon doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, he came out of his room this morning wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the Force, so I'd say... a little better.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm sorry, this does not look like Texas. Where's the tumbleweeds? Where's the saloons?
Leonard Hofstadter: Saloons?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, like in the movies I saw growing up in India. You know, Four For Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas...
Howard Wolowitz: This neighborhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I was really hoping to see a cattle drive.
Leonard Hofstadter: What can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there.
Mary: [Sheldon is about to take some food] Ah ah! We pray in this house. This is not California, home of the heathen.
[Sheldon somewhat reluctantly puts down the food, wipes off his hand, then takes Mary's hand]
Mary: By hius hand we are all...
Sheldon Cooper: Fed.
Mary: Thank you Lord our daily...
Sheldon Cooper: Bread.
Mary: Know that we are truly...
Sheldon Cooper: Grateful.
Mary: For every cup and every...
Sheldon Cooper: Plate full.
Mary: Amen. Now that wasn't so bad, was it, Shelly?