- Andy Cobb: So what do you have to do to get a cup of tea around here?
- Tamara Drewe: Make it. Tea, sugar, fridge.
- Tamara Drewe: So, who are your influences?
- Ben Sergeant: Everyone asks that. I mean, what do you want me to say? Phil Collins? Animal from The Muppets?
- Tess: Is that Tamara Drewe who writes the column in one of the Sundays?
- Beth Hardiment: Used to. Writes for the Independent now. She spent weeks going on about her nose job. Smart way to pay for it I suppose.
- Tess: Was her old one an awful conk?
- Nicholas Hardiment: Yes.
- Andy Cobb: That why you're home, to flog it?
- Tamara Drewe: Yep.
- Andy Cobb: Make a nice second home for some banker wankers.
- Tamara Drewe: Look Andy, if you want it, why don't you just make me an offer?
- Andy Cobb: Because, sadly, I'm still prey to the economic forces that threw the peasant classes off the land.
- Tamara Drewe: Unlucky.
- Tamara Drewe: We are getting married in the summer.
- Nicholas Hardiment: So I hear. My heartiest... commiserations, Tamara.
- Tamara Drewe: Merry Christmas... Nichol-arse.
- Glen McCreavy: Wow, this is a great old house.
- Tamara Drewe: Thanks. Do you want to buy it?
- Glen McCreavy: I'm not the property owning type. No, I prefer my life to fit in hand luggage.
- Andy Cobb: Tam. What the fuck have you done to your nose?
- Tamara Drewe: Oh, come on, Andy. Aliens came and took it.
- Tamara Drewe: You know, before I had the nose job I had no problem being taken seriously. Maybe, when they removed that bit of cartilage they pulled out my brain by mistake.
- Glen McCreavy: Andy, you know, the trouble with you is that you think like a loser. I know this because I'm the loser that all other losers come to for tips. I'm a loser's loser.
- Andy Cobb: I'm a pedigree loser.
- Ben Sergeant: Everything you've heard about drummers is complete shit.
- Tamara Drewe: You mean they don't spontaneously combust?