Charlie Kelly: [Charlie walks up to a shopping mall Santa Claus as Mac watches, after learning that his mother was a prostitute who had her clients dress up as Santa on Christmas to avoid upsetting Charlie]
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho. Well, hello! Merry Christmas! So, where's your little one?
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie sits on Santa's lap]
Santa Claus: Oh! Ho ho ho ho, you're a big boy, aren't ya? Ha ha! Uh...
Santa Claus: Is he retarded? Ah, I got this one.
Santa Claus: So, son - what would you like for Christmas, huh?
Charlie Kelly: Did you fuck my mom?
Santa Claus: ...What?
Charlie Kelly: Did you FUCK... my MOM?
Santa Claus: Whaddaya mean? I, uh...
Charlie Kelly: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Did you fuck her? DID YOU FUCK MY FUCKING MOM? DID YOU FUCK MY MOM, SANTA? AAAAH!
[Charlie bites Santa's neck, causing blood to spray everywhere, then drags him to the ground and mercilessly beats him in front of hundreds of crying children before Mac finally drags him away]
Dennis Reynolds: How are we doing over here?
Dee Reynolds: Uh... Not well. This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.
Dennis Reynolds: Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sake. They're going to notice. So let's just talk to somebody. Can you grab that guy?
Dee Reynolds: [to two office workers] Hey you two!
Dennis Reynolds: Heyyyyy! So how we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?
Woman Office Worker: Yes, great time.
Dee Reynolds: Great! So uh... Frank Reynolds?
[Makes thumbs down motion and blows raspberry]
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, we we're just talking about him. He's the worst, huh?
Woman Office Worker: Do... Do you work here?
Dennis Reynolds: ...Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. We hop around. Consultationists. So we consult here... we consult across the street too...
Man Office Worker: Is there a man in that couch?
Dennis Reynolds: Ha ha! What are you saying? A man in a couch? That's absurd!
Man Office Worker: No, I believe there's a man in that couch right there!
Dennis Reynolds: There is no man! There's no man! Say something things about Frank Reynolds, say them loud, and make sure they're horrible horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch!
Man Office Worker: Okay, so there is a man in the couch!
Dee Reynolds: Alright, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!
Man Office Worker: Who is Frank Reynolds?
Dennis Reynolds: He's the man in the couch!
Woman Office Worker: Oh my god! What are you people doing?
Dennis Reynolds: Would you just say something about Frank that's horrible? Call him an asshole!
Dennis Reynolds: Frank Reynolds is an asshole!
[Frank tears a hole in the couch and climbs out naked and sweaty]
Dennis Reynolds: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
Mac: That's our tradition.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.
Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.
Dee Reynolds: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.
Charlie Kelly: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Dee Reynolds: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?
Dennis Reynolds: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Charlie Kelly: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.
[after watching an old video of a young Mac and his parents stealing presents]
Charlie Kelly: Dude, what was that? What just happened? What was that right there? What was the family on the stairs? What was that?
Mac: That was probally the next family coming in to get their presents.
Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? What was happening there?
Mac: That was the Christmas tradition my parents had. You go from house to house collecting your presents. And then when the next family would come, you would take your presents and run.
Charlie Kelly: I am not aware of that tradition, Mac. In fact, I think that you and your parents were just stealing from that home.
Mac: Oh no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine. Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents at my house on Christmas morning or when we got back. The neighbors took them. It's a South Philadelphia tradition, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: No, that makes no sense. People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense.
Mac: You're telling me that on Christmas morning, you and your mother would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?
Charlie Kelly: No! No one does that!
Mac: Well, my dad told me that was the tradition.
Charlie Kelly: Mac, your dad is a convicted thief and a murderer who eats people. So, he's not really trustworthy.
Mac: This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit.