Ted: This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick.
Brynn: We would like to invite you to no longer live with us.
Helen: I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry, and there's a beautiful saying that I learned there.
Helen: It means, "You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without. And I hope and I pray that I never have to." Khob-kun-Ka
[Bows to the crowd]
Helen: khob-kun-Ka, khob-kun-Ka. And that's it for tonight! Thank you for coming!
Annie: [interjecting] Really quick!
Helen: Thank you all for coming. The dessert wine is out.
Annie: I just wanted to say really quick.
Helen: [calling out] Consuelo!
Annie: Really quick! Speaking of Consuelo, Lillian and I took Spanish together in school. And so, I would just like to say to you and to everyone here, "Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en... en la azul... "markada". Tienes con "bibir" en las Fortuashla?" and gracias!
Flight Attendant Steve: You have 3 seconds to get back to your seat.
Annie: No one can get anywhere in 3 seconds. You're setting me up for a loss already.
Brynn: [describing her free tattoo] It's a Mexican drinking worm. It's like a Native American symbol meaning wasted.
Annie: [after Helen insists the flight attendant allow Annie to use her first class seat] Help me I'm poor.
Annie: [Drunk on plane, pulls open curtains to coach after getting kicked out of first class] It's called civil *rights*. This is the '90s.
Becca: You are more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!
Megan: I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.
Helen's Stepson: I've seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial.
Gil: Before you make those kinds of demands you should put a note on your door that says, "Do not come into my room and read my diary and wear my clothes."
Ted: I wouldn't want to make you explain what our relationship is to all those people. That would suck for you.
Rhodes: Do you want to tell a cop about it? We're just like priests except we would tell everybody afterwards.
Rhodes: If I wasn't a cop anymore, I would still go out with a gun and shoot people.
Annie: This is the first time I've seen you look ugly, and that makes me happy!
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You're weird.
Annie: I'm not weird. OK?
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Yes, you are.
Annie: No, I'm not! And you started it.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: No, you started it! Did you forget to take your Xanax this morning?
Annie: Oh, I feel bad for your parents.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: I feel bad for your face.
Annie: OK... well, call me when your boobs come in.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You call me when yours come in.
Annie: What do you have, four boyfriends?
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Exactly.
Annie: OK... yeah, have fun having a baby at your prom.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You look like an old mop.
Annie: You know, you're not as popular as you think you are.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: I am very popular.
Annie: [sticks tongue in cheek and mimics fellatio] Oh, I'm sure you are... very... popular.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Well, you're an old, single loser who's never going to have any friends.
Annie: You're a little cunt!
Lillian: [Has diarrhea from food poisoning and is trying to get to a bathroom] It's happening! It happened.
Annie: You read my diary?
Brynn: At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
Annie: What kind of a name is 'Stove' anyway?
Flight Attendant Steve: That's not a name. My name is Steve
Annie: Are you an appliance?
Flight Attendant Steve: No I am a man, and my name is Steve
Annie: You are a flight attendant.
Flight Attendant Steve: You are, absolutely accurate.
Lillian: Why can't you be happy for me and then go home and talk about me behind my back like a normal person?
Rita: [Starting to feel sick from food poisoning] You know, I don't care which dress we get. I just need to get off this white carpet!
Megan: This is some classy sh-...
Megan: I want to apologize. I'm not even confident on which end that came out of.
Megan: I'm life, Annie, and I'm biting you in the ass!
[bites Annie's ass]
Annie: [imitating Helen] Oh, you live in Milwaukee? Oh, I'm sorry.
Annie: You're really doing it, aren't ya? You're shitting in the street!
Nervous Woman on Plane: I have to go to the bathroom but I heard about a woman who went to the bathroom on the plane - she got sucked into the toilet. Sucked right in.
Lillian: You remember my cousin, Rita.
Rita: [hugs Annie] Annie, I haven't seen you since you graduated high school.
Lillian: She has three kids now.
Rita: Three boys.
Lillian: They're so cute.
Rita: They are cute, but when they reach that age, ugh. Disgusting. They smell, they're sticky, they say things that are horrible, and there is semen all over everything. Disgusting. I cracked a BLANKET in half. Do you get where I'm going with this?
Annie: I do, yeah.
Rita: [gesturing] I cracked it in HALF.
Megan: I think I overcommitted with 9
Megan: , 6 is a comfortable number.
Annie: Are you fucking kidding me?
Annie's Mom: Annie?
Annie: No, mom. Mother fucking Paris? I told you about Paris, Helen! I told you about this whole idea!
Lillian: Annie, calm down...
Annie: No, Lillian! What are you gonna go, you're gonna go to Paris with Helen now? What are you gonna, you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We're all thinking it, aren't we?
Becca: [quickly] I'm not.
Megan: I was.
Annie: Okay! Yes, we're all thinking it, right?
Annie's Mom: Annie...
Annie: Lillian, this is not the you that I know! The you that I know would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and would have thought that this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid! Look at this shower! Look at that *fucking* cookie! Did you really think that this group of women was gonna finish that cookie? Really, and you know that reminds me actually; I never got a chance to try that *fucking* cookie!
Rhodes: How long has she been gone?
Annie: She's been missing for like 12 hours.
Rhodes: Twelve hours? It's not a missing person, until it's atleast 24 hours. Have you ever seen CSI? 24 hours. Let me go on with my job Annie.
Annie: Please, I really need your help.
Helen: [peeks her head over] Please... Nathan?
Rhodes: Who's this one?
Annie: Hi, I'm Helen.
[reaches hand out]
Annie: This is Helen...
Rhodes: [smiles] Hello, Helen. I've heard... wonderful things.
Annie: I'm sorry I didn't mean to waste your time... that's so embarrassing. Thank you.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: No, you are welcome.
[in a sarcastic tone]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: This is kind of high octane stuff that really made me want to become a cop. Missing girl found at her apartment... it's adrenaline pinching.
[awkward exchange of words]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Anyway, go and save your friend from her apartment. Bye bye.
Brynn: Guess what happened to me today?
Annie: Mmm... what?
Brynn: I got a free tattoo. I could not believe it. The guy said, "do you want a tattoo?", opened up the side of his van...
Brynn: ...and said "it's for free!" So I said, "sure."
Lillian: This is such a stone-cold pack of weirdos, and I am so proud!
Helen: [Crying] Why are you smiling?
Annie: It's just... it's the first time I've ever seen you look ugly... and that makes me kind of happy.