- The Attorney: This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
- [Frank starts yelling]
- Charlie Kelly: Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points.
- [turns to lawyer]
- Charlie Kelly: Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex.
- The Attorney: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate.
- Charlie Kelly: Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here.
- The Attorney: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
- Charlie Kelly: I could ask you the very same question...
- The Attorney: [interrupting] I went to Harvard.
- Charlie Kelly: [incoherent mumbling]
- The Attorney: What?
- Charlie Kelly: I'm pleading the 5th, sir.
- The Attorney: I wouldn't advise you do that.
- Charlie Kelly: And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?
- The Attorney: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.
- Charlie Kelly: [more mumbling] ... Filibuster...
- The Attorney: Do you know what that word means?
- Charlie Kelly: [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door]
- Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
- Dennis Reynolds: What guy?
- Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
- Mac: You want him to bang you?
- Charlie Kelly: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
- [shows the gang a history book]
- Charlie Kelly: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
- Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
- Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
- Dennis Reynolds: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
- Charlie Kelly: [slams book] 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.
- Dennis Reynolds: I'm Hugh Honey and this is my partner, Vic Vinegar. We're partners in real estate and we're partners in life.
- Dennis Reynolds: [pretending he and Mac are a gay couple] I'm the breadwinner in the relationship.
- Mac: And I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom.
- Dennis Reynolds: Oh! Well, I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.
- Mac: Only because I'm giving out so much power from the top.
- Dennis Reynolds: Look, okay. Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the little kids up in their little rooms upstairs so they wouldn't hear any of it.
- Mac: Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they've would've seen our faces.
- Dennis Reynolds: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
- Charlie Kelly: Right. Why get weird?
- Dee Reynolds: Hey, you guys. Watch me bust out this sweet jackknife.
- [body slams into pool with a loud smack]
- Sean: Oh! Whoa! Are you okay!
- Dee Reynolds: [spitting out water and gasping for breath] Oh, I biffed that one, huh?
- Sean: You "biffed" it?
- Dee Reynolds: Whoo! Thank God there wasn't a baby in there, huh?
- Dee Reynolds: So let's talk turkey and by that I mean money.
- Sean: Oh, we just thought we'd pay the standard rate of $20,000.
- Dee Reynolds: 20,000. Okay, I like the sound of that. I'm gonna throw something at you guys so brace yourselves. What are your thoughts on doubling down so to speak and going for twins?
- Sean: Aha...
- Kate: No.
- Sean: No...
- Dee Reynolds: Well, if it's a matter of price, I'm willing to cut you a deal on the second one. And we don't have to stop at two. I've typed up a price sheet I'd like the two of you to peruse. If you look down around number four or five, that's when you really start to see some savings. You guys wanna go for an octomom thing? Huh? I'm game. You wanna have ten? You wanna outdo that bitch? Ha, I'll have that conversation! I'm kidding, I don't want ten people inside of me.
- Mac: Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's probably why they lost the house. They're probably at the track getting wasted.
- Frank Reynolds: Well, look, bitch. We brought it from them because they foreclosed on your bitch ass!
- Kate: Do you have any history with drugs or alcohol?
- Dee Reynolds: Never. Neither.
- Sean: Um, any family history of mental illness?
- Dee Reynolds: Uh, well my brother's a dick if that counts.