Jeff Winger: What makes humans different from other animals? We're the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve and go like this...
Jeff Winger: and part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting. People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I could never admit that. That would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce, we need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer. We should listen to him some time. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley, Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. Don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. Because you know what, soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. I want you to look to the person to your left. Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, "I forgive you." You've just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you a Community.
Jeff Winger: I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God or truth is relative. In either case, booyah!
Duncan: Interesting, it's just that the average person has a much harder time saying 'booyah' to moral relativism.
Duncan: I'm a Professor. You can't talk to me that way!
Jeff Winger: A 6 year old girl could talk to you that way!
Duncan: Yes, because that would be adorable.
Jeff Winger: No, because you're a 5 year old girl and theres a pecking order!
Abed: I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas, and I see your value now.
Jeff Winger: I'm in a bit of a jam. The Bar Association just suspended my license. Turns out my law degree was not legitimate.
Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia.
Jeff Winger: Now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.
Abed: I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, well you have Aspergers.
Jeff Winger: I'm taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a Spanish tutor.
Britta Perry: Oh, really? Say that in Spanish.
Jeff Winger: You duermo tarde Español, una hora mas, no arañes my coche.
[Translation: I sleep late Spanish, one more hour, don't scratch my car]
Britta Perry: So this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?
Jeff Winger: Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?
Jeff Winger: There is a guy trying out for the track team that is older than the game of poker.
Pierce Hawthorne: I like you, Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age.
Jeff Winger: I deserved that.
Duncan: Have you ever heard of the saying "Cheaters never prosper"?
Jeff Winger: Duncan, if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have gone to community college.
Shirley Bennett: You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class.
Pierce Hawthorne: Sexually harassing? What? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass somebody who turns me on?
Troy Barnes: I'm gonna leave my homework with slumdog millionaire here.
Shirley Bennett: That's borderline racist, I think.
Jeff Winger: Man! Rest of the group is running late. But you and I can get acquainted.
Britta Perry: You may have noticed this morning - not so good at the small talk.
Jeff Winger: Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?
Britta Perry: That's not small talk?
Jeff Winger: What's your deal and is God dead?
Jeff Winger: Why are people trying to teach me things at a school that has an express tuition aisle?
Pierce Hawthorne: Now Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this study group?
Jeff Winger: I don't have a study group, Pearce, I made it up.
Annie Edison: What about the look left speech?
Jeff Winger: Made it up! That's what I do, I make things up.
Jeff Winger: Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry, it was an accident. I did a little bit of lying to get close to you. But how was I supposed to know that you were smart and cool? I mean, you look like Elizabeth Shue.
Britta Perry: Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?
Jeff Winger: I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna... I'm gonna flunk the test.
Troy: You should just study for like an hour. It's not that hard.
Troy: You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat.
Jeff Winger: Eh. Me. Funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. So, uh, not really sure how to do that.