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|Index||18 reviews in total|
Hear ye, hear ye.....if you think that this kind of language is
impossibly exciting then you will probably tolerate JTP.....but
Every single cliché ever is trumped by some of the worst filming lighting and sound, if you were to gave a bunch of renaissance fair geeks some high quality cameras and a wardrobe budget that would be (verily) a massive improvement.
The acting would grace any high school stage - and in fact the whole exercise looks like it was cooked up by a high school drama team.
The only magic here is the amazing trick that someone pulled in getting this greenlighted - promote that person I say - they managed to turn a pile of manure into well, more manure, while still making gold from dross for themselves - now that's magic.
If you love anything with magic, knights, and princesses, then don't, just don't, seriously, there is nothing remotely magic about this and you will watch and then go off and burn your costumes in shame.
Definitely only for the fanboys.....and then probably not even them....
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
My 12-year-old nephew chose this film off our NetFlix suggestions list.
I find this suggestion extremely frightening because it proves the
Internets, or NetFlix at least, are now self-aware and have the ability
to read not only into your mind, but your soul. In the opening scene of
the film I was skeptical; were these 'medieval' costumes so clean
because they were rented and needed to be returned later that
afternoon? were there actually three Snow White figures in each town?
is chrome armor so effective you don't need pants? do six soldiers make
As the piece continued, however, my disbelief lifted like a fog and I began to really get a feel for the characters. There was a woodland hunter, so human, so fallible, who did not realize he could not kill anything with his crossbow because there was no point on the arrow. This touch of subtlety in the creation of this work of art indicates a master's hand. The 'hero' character, young, naive, beautiful, wore knee-high boots with tassels that were as new to walking as he was to battle in a stunning display of symbolism. The greenish-yellow troll thing spoke with an electronically-altered voice rendering it completely impossible to understand and his floppy rubber hands warned me: DO NOT TRUST THIS TROLL. (I did not.)
In London I saw Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart perform Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot," but never before have I been blown away by a performance than last night when I saw Billy Zane's interpretation of the King (I forgot the king's name). His mannerisms: pure royalty. His face: a mirror into my own decadence. His hair: well, I think it was a wig. It would be criminal for me with my rustic intellect to even attempt a worthy critique. Like a sunrise after a storm or the birth of an angel, you must see it to fully understand its beauty and its effect on the human spirit.
Many of you can appreciate a spectacular smile on a young woman, and boy does this film deliver. The filmmakers were well aware of the little-known tactic 'Amazon' warriors used with great effect: distract your enemy with the nearly-exposed female form. The grace and fluidity in movement of these lady-soldiers complement their skill as orators. When a supple young bodyguard tightens her delectable abdomen and draws a deep breath before pledging her very life to protect the princess, you find yourself hoping the situation never calls for blood, because she. is. serious. SPOILER: She lives like 2 more minutes.
I realize this review must gloss over much of the film, but the one scene that cannot be overlooked, the culmination of hours, maybe days of writing, setting up, filming, is the final epic battle between good and evil. The King's general, Fat Round-Faced Bald Man with No Pants, finally confronts our hero and his sexy entourage. With an army of at least 6 men, No Pants Man boldly dispatches everyone in his way, even our hero's beloved mentor who was supposed to be an awesome warrior. Fortunately, our hero is reminded through (rather ill-timed) flashback to "Remember his Destiny!" and soundly defeats No Pants Man by knocking tobacco juice out of his mouth. Our hero and his semi-buff, shirtless brother, accompanied by super-hot princess run to thrust the glowing sword into a pile of cardboard. I am not sure why the film crew chose cardboard, but it worked. Miles away, Billy Zane burst into flames (much like my eyes had done during his performance) and that was pretty much it. All the 'townsfolk' in their very clean costumes walked towards their dazzling castle, painted on the sky in the far distance.
In conclusion, this film, this commentary on the human condition, has started me on a new path. I no longer overlook starving homeless people. Now I look on with pity. I pick litter up off the street (as long as there is a trash can nearby). Please, take 84 minutes to watch this film and let's make the world a better place. One Star for only being 84 minutes long.
Never before I was in the situation to rate a movie so low as this one.
Actors are also simply bad, especially the supposedly lead hero. Imho
the only one that seemed any good was Billy Zane as King Laypach. But
even the cruel king was bored out of his mind practically begging for
the movie to end. Of course the ending itself is uninspired to say the
least(with that stone just sitting there in the middle of nowhere).
Special FX are a shame even for an amateur. As a matter of fact they are worst I ever seen. I saw that the estimated budget on IMDb is around $2,000,000. That's way too many zeros it surely must a mistake. I can't possibly think on what they could spend such an amount. Almost all the action takes place in the forest. Nothing was needed to be built. Trees grow by themselves. The castle itself it just a drawing. Also even for the medieval times, having most of the actors walking barefoot is just laughable. Even the king himself has no shoes...
So why does the movie gets a grade of 2 instead of one ? Lots of beautiful ladies save the day... again. It was all thanks to: Marcelle Baer, Jessica Heap, Cherie Thibodeaux, Lacey Minchew(my personal favorite) and few others not listed on IMDb that I made to the end. Also the movie might appeal to small children(below 10) even though it has a few violent scenes. For a good quality fairy tale I recommend The Secret of Moonacre.
i can't believe that someone took the time to invest money into this horrible storyline. The customs used looked as if they were purchased from the Walmart Halloween section, and the makeup from a junior high school drama room. The studio should be forced to reimburse anyone who was fooled into renting this piece of trash. The actors are juvenile in their attempt to acting, the action scenes pitiful. They can't even make the blood look real. This is the lowest of acting from a usually good actor Billy Zane He certainly reached a low point in his career with this flick. Don't bother renting or taking the time to even consider it.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
The beginning of the film was doubtful, as all the costumes looked like they had been purchased from a local store just before use. Their was no make-up art worth talking about, and no one in the film had any sort of professional acting skills. The plot was never completely established and the part that was established never took place. The main character Grado is supposedly grandson of the previous king and has somehow become a farmer in a group of people that apparently walk through the forest forever, with no apparent purpose. Death is given little thought in this movie(sorry did I say movie, I meant elementary drama production) characters randomly die of unknown causes and those around them simply shrug. The little yellow troll, from what I can tell is Satin weird creeper cousin is suddenly wounded and dies in the middle of the film, but it is a joy to be rid of him. The mysterious hunter that wonders why he can never shoot a rabbit never realizes his arrow is a small tube, it's strange he can't even hunt considering he was one of the greatest soldiers ever in the kings army. The large bearded evil man with no pants is the protagonist in it, and while he is said to be more powerful than the entire army which is about 8 guys by the way is defeated when he is hit with a sword, and spits ketchup out of his mouth. The movie is finished when the magical sword is stabbed into the sacred cardboard rock, and the king magically turns into dust and for some reason all the guards in his chamber are already dead. I give this movie a -438 stars but you can only go as low as one.
Unless you are so bored, and have watched every other movie on the planet! I swear the budget had to be around $2,000. The music, costumes and acting were just SO awful. I simply cannot believe Billy Zane would agree to do this movie! Maybe his mortgage is going head up... Don't waste your time, go see something else! Voice effects were inconsistent, face makeup was so clearly done by a total amateur, and the plot was very far-fetched. I could not believe how awful and unoriginal the music score was. I am, however, happy that the dreams of some actors were achieved. It looked to me like writer, director & producer Dan Garcia had been involved with some other actual good movies. What made him sink so low?
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
To say this was an epic adventure would hardly do it justice(it's only 83 minutes long)but I'm sure it took much longer to film it in the backwoods of Louisiana. Unclouded by action, stunts, effects or even acting, the plot was childishly simple and it was very easy to tell good from bad. I don't want to pan the flick, it was what it was - entertaining. Funny, in fact. I think Billy Zane put it best in the throne room, when he deadpans "man, we're really in the sh*t now". I felt like a guest at a convention for SCA fan-films. I especially enjoyed the wide vista shots of Promethea - looks like photo-shop from Mom & Dad's vacation in the Appalachians. Kudos to wardrobe - those knee-length gray box-knit sweaters you chose as 'ring mail' hauberks looked both convincing and comfortable. I cannot say as much for the chrome spaghetti pot helmets and very shiny breastplates. The faux-suede and leather skirt/bra combos of the princess's escort were a very nice touch, as were the really big unsheathed swords. With a budget of a mere $2M, cutting corners on little stuff like wardrobe and SFX leaves more money for important things, like catering. As the box cover says 'Their Courage will make them Legends" I'll be talking about this one for quite a while I expect. My vote: Watch it with GOOD friends, you can share the laughs. Besides, it's only $5 bucks, and if your friends cover snacks, it's all good.
I'm too tormented by visions of gray knit "chain mail" armor & the
awesomely enormous budget my nephew's 3rd grade spring play had
compared to the apparent budget of this flick. I think the best,
clearest indicator of the caliber of this movie is in the list of cast
on the front of IMDb's page for this movie. Billy Zane is featured
prominently on the cover of the movie, but appears nowhere on the
primary cast listing. The first mention you see of his name on the IMDb
site itself is in the review appearing on the primary page. He may or
may not be listed in the extended cast listing you can reach by
clicking "full cast & crew", but I don't want to know.
Just... don't. Really. You won't regret it. The other reviews are not lying. Unless you're feeling really lackadaisical and not too concerned with enjoying the experience, in which case, go for it. :-)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Okay Redbox needs to remove this out of their machines. We should get paid to watch, not pay to watch. I've seen decent B movies but this doesn't even qualify as a Z!!!! The costumes on the Simarians were so clean and bright and new, I was looking for the price tags! The chrome soldier helmets and breast shields looked like they had just been polished and buffed. I had a hard time finding any sadness for the good people who were killed. Also the King's harem and the princess' female guards looked like soft porn stars and their acting wasn't anything to write home about. I was surprised that our characters just kept leaving fires unattended, Smokey the Bear couldn't keep up. The plot line was barely there. I guess if you are the writer/director/producer you don;t have enough time to develop the story and deal with all the details. The cover and the poster are better than the entire movie. The synopsis on the cover was better written and more entertaining than the whole movie. It was bad enough the 83 minutes the movie took but the credits were long and went at a snail's pace to prolong the agony. The princess had very little affect to her face, she looked bored with the whole production.
This is the stupidest movie I have every seen. I could do better filming it in my back yard. I can't believe the video store even carries it. We couldn't even get through the whole movie. The best/worst part that had us in stitches was when Ari dies and they try to simulate the drama of Gladiator with the flashing of his wife on the screen. And his dying agony is probably the worst acting I have ever seen. The costumes are so fake and cheap looking. My son and I were almost crying we were laughing so hard at how ridiculous this movie was. Why did all of the villains have to have stupidly made up distorted faces? What was the deal with the fortune teller with bad white contact lenses? They definitely spent their money on the DVD cover to make it look remotely interesting. But what a stupidly bad movie. What kind of low has Billy Zane sunk to to be in it? Or did he just want to roll around for a few hours with the pathetic actresses in his scenes? Why did the princesses guards have next to no clothing on and half of the people had bare feet? I could go on and on.....
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