[Glen Jarvis has just refused, very ungraciously, Barnaby's offer of advice on the security of Allenby House]
Sir Malcolm Frazer: Is it illegal to strangle nasty little weasels?
D.C.I. Barnaby: I think it's actively encouraged, isn't it, sir?
Brenda Packard: You should have stuck with us, Tom. Your life would have been equally fruitless.
Young Jimmy Wells: Schnell! Machst du schnell!
[to Jones, having been chosen to be the umpire in an upcoming cricket game]
D.C.I. Barnaby: There are 42 basic areas in cricket rules. And they are split into numbered sub-headings, which produce thousands, thousands of sub-sub-clauses. I will never forgive you for this.
[Jones' team is losing in a game Barnaby is umpiring]
DS Ben Jones: Whose side are you on, sir?
D.C.I. Barnaby: Same as always, Jones; the side of decency, justice and the American way.
DS Ben Jones: They're all stalling.
D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah. So let us insert some ginger into the appropriate orifices and see if we can make the horses dance.
DS Ben Jones: [Not comprehending the metaphor] What?
D.C.I. Barnaby: [to Jones] We're going to have to squeeze the fruit further up the food chain.
Joyce Barnaby: [to herself about Tom's returning to the case] Thank God for small murders!
D.C.I. Barnaby: [to Joyce on his role as cricket umpire] I enjoy the job playing God in a limited universe.
Brenda Packard: [to Barmaby about her role in MI6] ... I am the left hand that doesn't know what the right hand is doing.
D.C.I. Barnaby: [Frustrated about restrictions put on him by the chief constable] I can't even speak to the sodding suspcts. I am banned from the crime scene.
Joyce Barnaby: So think laterally.
D.C.I. Barnaby: What does that mean?
Joyce Barnaby: I don't know. You're the one who's always telling me to do it.
Brenda Packard: [Referring to MI6] We always win, Tom. You lot think you have the power, but we're the real bullies in the playground. Sorry.
D.C.I. Barnaby: [DCI Tom Barnaby notices his wife Joyce Barnaby reading a spy novel about MI6] I was a spook once.
Joyce Barnaby: You were not!
D.C.I. Barnaby: I was. When I graduated from Brown's Hill, they asked me to join MI6.
Joyce Barnaby: Why?
D.C.I. Barnaby: 'Cause I spoke Russian.
Joyce Barnaby: But you don't speak Russian.
D.C.I. Barnaby: No, they got the wrong person; they really wanted Brenda Packard.
Joyce Barnaby: Brenda? In RWI? Grows big vegetables?
D.C.I. Barnaby: That's the chap! She's been with MI6 for years.
Joyce Barnaby: Goodness...
D.C.I. Barnaby: I tried it for a few months. Security Officer Grade Seven! Drank gallons of weak tea and, uh, played cricket in the corridors.
Joyce Barnaby: You never told me any of this!
D.C.I. Barnaby: Well no, Joyce. Secret, isn't it?
[DCI Tom Barnaby returns to reading his book as Joyce Barnaby looks on in astonishment]