Cameron is in charge of the school's big spring dance, but when a popular teacher returns from sabbatical, a bit of not-so-friendly competition blooms. And with Claire on chaperone duty at the dance, Phil gets Haley to ...
When an earthquake hits the area, Claire gets locked in the bathroom with a plumber, Cameron and Mitchell use it as an excuse to get out of brunch with an obnoxious friend, and Manny reevaluates the meaning of life while on a trip with Jay.
Mitchell and Claire agree to break some embarrassing news to each other's significant others, Jay makes a fool of himself at what he thinks is a quinceanera, and Haley helps Alex try to make a popular friend.
Phil, Claire, and the kids try to improve their communication skills by giving up their electronic devices. Gloria is getting obsessed over a neighbor's barking dog, and Mitchell and Cameron try to find a preschool for Lily.
While Claire and Haley get sick at the same time, Phil wages battle against a chirping smoke detector. Manny accidentally gets one of Jay's employees fired, and Cameron wants to put Lily in a TV commercial.
Claire is threatened when Gloria becomes her co-chair for a school dance, Jay bullies Phil into taking a stand during a trip to the mall, and Mitchell and Cameron discover that their daughter is a biter.
Claire tries to stop a woman from speeding in the neighborhood, which creates a business conflict for Phil. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron befriend a strange new neighbor, and Gloria and Manny learn how to ride a bicycle.
Phil and Claire question their intelligence after a comment by Alex, Mitchell suspects that he fathered a child 8 years ago, and Gloria tells an embarrassing lie about Jay to cover up his rudeness to another couple.
Phil and Claire's kids walk in on them having sex while delivering their anniversary present, Gloria tries to keep Claire from seeing an angry e-mail, and Mitchell and Cameron contemplate how to cover up a juice stain on a rug.
Phil and Clair try to revisit an old Valentine's Day act, Jay tries to surprise Gloria with a romantic dinner, Mitchell and Cameron disagree over Mitchell's assistant's crush, and Manny gives Haley relationship advice.
Dede hooks up with Claire's high school boyfriend the night before Lily's birthday party. Meanwhile, Mitchell won't let Cameron play Fizbo the Clown at the party, while Gloria self-medicates to cope with Dede.
Gloria helps Phil figure out why Claire is mad at him, Mitchell forgets to send out invitations to Cameron's fund raiser, and Alex tries to prove that Haley is lying when she says she has a job as a waitress.
Phil spends the day at the spa while Claire tries to replace Haley's favorite sweater, Cameron discovers Mitchell's dirty secret about Lily's adoption, and Jay and Gloria argue over their final resting place.
Phil and Claire have some trepidation when they find out that Luke has befriended their crotchety old neighbor, Mr. Kleezak; Jay's attempt to avoid sitting through a symphony concert with Gloria and Manny lands him in the middle of Mitchell and Cameron's "boys' night out"; and Haley has her own adventures in babysitting with Lily.
Mitchell and Cameron try to determine Lily's guardian in case something happens to them, Claire is scared that Luke will turn out like Phil, and Haley bonds with Alex after she is forced to take Alex to cello practice.
Phil and Claire trade discipline roles for the day, Gloria forces Jay to listen to a horrible business proposal, and Mitchell tries to convince a sick Cameron to let him go to the Lady Gaga concert without him.
Jay wants nothing more than to have a quiet birthday out fishing on the lake, but the family take that as him wanting a big celebration, and in their frantic scramble to put everything together, Claire and Mitchell wind up trapped in the yard of their childhood home; Phil runs into his old college nemesis while at the mall with Gloria and Lily; Cameron gets himself into some hot water at the bakery, and the kids frantically do some creative editing on grandpa's birthday video, all of which leaves Jay with a headache.