Battleship (2012) Poster

(2012)

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2/10
chicken burrito and kentucky fried chicken
mmxool27 April 2012
Warning: Spoilers
This is my first ever review on IMDb and after watching this movie a few hours ago I was compelled to register on IMDb so I could play the Battleship guessing game with you (similar to the original Battleship, only that it's not).

Q1: How does a radio telescopes work? Do they

A - Detect and collect data on radio sources

B - Shoot some type of visible light laser beam to another solar system in the hope to communicate with aliens?

Answer: B - It's hard for someone to imagine how a signal is sent.

Q2: What would be the best way for an alien ship to travel once on earth?

A - Fly

B - Hop on the water (in one direction) like a cross between a water strider and a frog

Answer: B - Also staying true to their weapons system which only work line of sight.

Q3: Once the alien destruction robots are launched to attack and weaken the human defense, do they

A - Destroy 20 unarmed helicopters

B - Ruin a field where kids are playing baseball

C - Destroy the only remaining docked Battleship equipped with Harpoon and Tomahawk missiles

D - Attack some concrete pillars holding up a section of a freeway

Answer: A,B,D - Who would ever think that the USS Missouri had a better chance of attacking the aliens as opposed to a freeway.

Q4: Your a bad-ass alien who traveled ten's of light years to take over another planet, what do you bring as a personal weapon?

A - A ray guy than can evaporate anything in sight

B - Any other type of projectile weapon

C - A knife that looks like a screwdriver

Answer: C - The only weakness being that it takes this weapon 20 seconds to warm up, giving a double leg amputee enough time to walk up to the armored alien kick-box it in the head and take off it's helmet.

Q5: The humans have fired a tomahawk missile at your alien ship. What do you do?

A - Try to shoot it down with your own weapons

B - Try to maneuver your ship out of the way

C - Have your alien ship hop directly into the missile

Answer: C - Oh yes that's right the alien ship is only equipped with grenades and it can only move in the direction it is facing.

Q6: Your building an alien war ship that will be used to take over a planet. What material do you use to protect the bridge?

A - A type of super strong metal

B - Glass

Answer: B - Taking over a planet is not so easy when a few sniper rifle rounds breaches the hull on the bridge and kills the alien commander.

If you got 0% then watch the trailer and save yourself from having your intelligence insulted.

If you got above 1% then steal a chicken burrito, become captain of the navy in a few years and save the planet from an alien invasion by taking commands from an officer 20 ranks below you.
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4/10
Why did I watch this Hollywood movie?
Tobias Westman12 April 2012
Warning: Spoilers
The characters: Mostly douches with bad lines.

The story: Aliens invade, their ships are clumsy and weird and jump on water. America (and to a lesser, lesser extent Japan saves the world). There are moments when you wish you could unsee the tacky ways they (the movie makers) try to make heroes and bad-asses of certain people. Most notably the old sailors on the USS Missouri which are posed (yes, really posed!) everywhere, high and low in an awkward way that just makes you wanna squirm and throw up a little bit.

The aliens: At first you think: "This alien race seems really noble." Second thought: "I hope the aliens win, I hate the characters in this movie so much!" Third thought: "Huh, so the aliens aren't noble, they're just stupid. And they seem a bit evil according to the unoriginal flashback John Carter got but... I'm still rooting for the aliens! Go aliens, exterminate this movie-verse!!"

The sum: Why did I watch this movie with awkward characters, unlikable at best. Silly plot with horribly pushed tie-ins to the battleship game. Plain dumb aliens. In-your-face product placement (Cola Zero, LG, Subway and probably some more). Why? I was really, really bored. And now I've lost faith in Hollywood movie making. It's not better then Transformers, It's just as bad.

If your over 10 years old: Don't watch this. If you 10 or younger: Don't watch this.

Hollywood needs to learn that they can't push this crap from the toilet to the big screen anymore!
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8/10
Definition of a guilty pleasure
Heaven help me! I liked this movie, now I am going to be one of the few who did. As you can see from the other reviews a lot of people didn't like this movie, so why did I?

1. I came in with low expectations - I was expecting something horrible, boring, long and pointless, but despite myself I liked it, I laughed at the jokes, I connected with the actors (yes, Rihanna too), I was excited by the action and while clichés the plot held my interest

2. The actors did a good job with what they were given - Taylor Kitsch did a good job, Rihanna wasn't that bad, I dare say good, in her role. She was there, she didn't try to chew the scenery, she did her job as an actor/secondary character and it didn't bother me. I give her kudos

3. lost in translation? - you try to make a game into a movie and you want to put parts of them game in it? Not easy, a little cheesy? Of course, but fun? Yes, fun, enjoyable, and in the end it was a part of the story that wasn't as forced as it could have been.

So in conclusion, "Battleship" is a fun, corny, typical summer movie that I like but as you see a lot of people didn't. I think it is a guilty pleasure, something to be enjoyed by the few but annoyed by the rest. In the end I can only suggest this - go in with low expectations, expect a little over the top patriotism like in "Act of Valor" ( but not so heavy), and don't think about it. The movie is not without its flaws or questionable logic, but as it was said so well in another movie - "I suggest you don't think about it and just enjoy the ride"
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7/10
What "Battle LA" could have been.
gonzoville1 June 2012
OK, first of all, yes, this movie has more holes than the surface of the moon. Some of the plot points, tactics, technical gaffes, etc. etc. etc. are so bad and stupid as the be insulting. Seriously, if you are up on your military technology at all it's best to go to this movie seriously drunk so that you won't care about the dumbness.

That said, it's actually a pretty fun movie. And, yes, I think it's better than Battle Los Angeles or even the latest Transformers. Why? Because this movie didn't make the same critical mistakes of trying to have Acting in the damn film. Nothing slows down a good action flick like a damn love story in the background, or the hero dealing with his feelings or, worse still, putting brats in the line of fire. Battleship had none of that - just a bunch of thick-headed do- gooders doing what they do best and not really learning a whole lot about anything, including themselves, in the process.

Another thing I like is that there is an appreciation for the warships and the people who serve on them. The timing of the ACDC music for the going-into-battle scene is perfectly done. You can't help but smile.

The alien technology is actually pretty imaginative and the animation is good. It's not as over- the-top as Battle LA - where there was so much going on you get overwhelmed. But when the aliens want something blowed up, they do so with conviction. Mind you, some of the technical deficiencies of the alien technology will leave you wondering how these creatures managed to cross a galaxy. But try not to worry about that - the writers sure didn't.

The cast is OK. Neeson is decent as the admiral or whatever, and even Rihanna does an acceptable job. We're not talking about "Apocalypse Now" kinds of performances, but it wasn't horrible either. It was at least semi-believable.

Look, this ain't no "Bedford Incident". But it's a pretty decent way to kill a couple hours and snarf down some popcorn. All the folks griping about the technical problems - well, it's all true - but who cares? This movie doesn't pretend to be realistic. Hell, in the credits it's "Based on the game by Hasbro," so go in prepared and enjoy.
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10/10
If you fail to enjoy this movie, life sucks for you
Duncan Ford21 May 2014
Warning: Spoilers
In reality a technologically advanced species would wipe us out within five minutes. Result? No movie

Therefore, this movie depends upon a sequence of improbable happenstances to allow it to progress

We have a suitably driven central character and a capable side cast who take up the spirit of the piece, which is essentially heroism in the face of extreme odds

If you cannot suspend your disbelief for the duration in order to feel the bravado humanity is genuinely capable of, you do not have the capacity in yourself

Your score for this movie directly correlates to how happy you are as a person
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1/10
Battlesh*t
Tom Orrow12 April 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Battleship is bar none the worst movie I have seen in recent years. It is a noisy, clichéd and unbearable piece of trash that exploits the work of CG artists and paying customers who just want to be entertained.

A simple way to describe Battleship, is that it's basically a $200 million naval recruitment video that was made by a schizophrenic 8 year old who likes video games and things going Ka-Boom.

The main heroes in this movie are indeed American navy sailors, but the one thing the film-makers really failed at is making these people likable and realistic. Taylor Kitsch plays the lead character, he's basically some drop out loser who robs convenience stores to get girlfriends and joins the navy at his brothers behest, and in what seems like no time at all he becomes a lieutenant with big responsibilities on a naval vessel with some few hundred men beneath him.

The special effects are the only thing to keep you invested, however they're all completely CG so it just likes a cut-scene from a video game . Something that should be impressive (like a ship sinking) is made pointless because it's something clearly rendered on a computer.

The soundtrack to the movie is okay composition wise, but it's often loud and draws attention to itself and it sounds exactly like the Inception soundtrack on numerous occasions.

This movie has the shadow of Transformers looming over it, both in its marketing and tone. Battleship however is far, far, far worse than any of those three films and it could probably be used as a symbol for the decline of western civilisation.
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1/10
I am compelled to write a minimum of 10 lines so you avoid this movie.
georgedunc27 April 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I have written very few reviews on IMDb, I simply do not have the time, but on this occasion things are different. This movie could have been so good, yet it is truly awful.

I am a total advocate of having fun at movies and suspending belief but in this movie, even attempting to do that is interrupted by shocking characters with shocking lines. If people reacted in real life like many of these do in the movie, you could be forgiven for shooting them on sight.

The main character played by Taylor Kitsch is so annoying, so arrogant, so stupid so utterly imbecilic that for him to be allowed in uniform would be a slur on a nations entire armed forces. He seems to have adopted a role trying to emulate bad boy comes good Chris Pine as Kirk in the 2009 excellent movie Star Trek. But it doesn't work and he displays himself as a complete and utter loser in every respect, and frankly the screen writers should not work again.

Every cliché possible is thrown in, trying to make what is termed 'an extinction event' funny. As aliens battle to use an earth array radar to communicate with their planet and bring on the destruction of the planet, the geek in charge of the array who knows everything about it says 'what! are they trying to phone home like ET'??? Shoot that man!

I am saddened that Liam Neeson's bank balance is so low that he needed to take on his role in this movie. If he was that short of cash, had he just put an ad on IMDb I am sure we would have all chipped in $5 each to keep him out of this disaster.

The boys and girls in the CG room did an awesome job, but it was so unoriginal with all the trappings of Transformers that whilst technically superb it was just all pointless. Just where have they spent $200 000 000 ? It must all be in CG or was it the fee for Rihanna? Whatever, the budget for this movie would have been better spent on saving some third world country from economic disaster.

At the end it becomes clear that whoever the military adviser was, whatever their sins during the main part of the movie, should definitely have been sacked and not paid. Our main character the man who has led a team of misfits to save the entire planet is awarded ...the 'Silver Star', the third highest award the military can give. Where was the medal of honour? the top banana, they must have been limited as only one was given to our main mans dead brother, who did nothing other than stand on the bridge of a ship and get blown up (apart from also putting up with his cretin brother for which he definitely deserved the award).

In summary, totally disappointing. To base a movie on the Hasbro game of Battleships was always going to be a challenge, are we now going to face movies based on snakes and ladders and 'frustration'? Too many agendas were hidden in this movie to ensure a politically correct Hollywood ra ra ra conclusion. There were many points in the movie where I totally wanted the Aliens to succeed and destroy the planet, as it's occupants were proving that there was no intelligent life here. If you are dragged along to this movie then maybe just put your iphone on silent and play angry birds or some other garbage game to keep yourself entertained, or better still play Battleships.
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9/10
Where's the love?
quiktripper6 October 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I don't know why this movie got such a bad wrap? I think it's actually pretty plain awesome!- and how they worked the BATTLESHIP game into the movie is pretty cool.

The man who lost his legs gets the chance to fight again & be the hero, the 90 year old retired vets get a chance to save the day, the story between the main character and his girl is actually pretty cool- and when Liam neeson says NO when he asks for permission... priceless :) No, its not gonna win an Oscar & no its now the best, but I don't think anyone is going it it looking for that. If you just want a pretty cool & kick ass movie then you wont be disappointing.
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1/10
"It's an action movie" is not an excuse!
Matteo Tiberia13 April 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I ate 4-cheeses tortellini for lunch and then went to see "Battleship". guess which one was cheesier. This movie is terrible and I'll tell you why, but first let me say one thing. This is not how action movies should be made and it is not fair to make bad movies just to cash some money because "hey, it's an action movie!" I don't believe in low class genres: is not a sin to enjoy an action movie, but it should be a good movie anyway! Battleship has an horrible plot, actually nothing happens but it does it in more than 2 hours. God if it was boring! I don't understand how you could ever make a movie with explosions and fast-paced editing sooo boring. There are elements that make to sudden apparitions and too much plot holes. There are some TERRIBLE comic scenes, like the one where the guy is stealing a burrito for his bigtittied trophy. In that moment it becomes American pie, the family guy, epic movie. There's a LOT of FAKE lens flare. I don't understand why, is it a fad now? In super8 they had a meaning, but in battleship there are even more and they really make no sense. Every single clichè, you can find it in here. well, we live in a postmodern period so that's okay, we are used to see old clichés. The problem is that they use them like it is 1980 and it's the first time. If you care about that, the aliens are really a bunch of pussies. They invade earth and the humans have to struggle a little to fight them. Yeah, just because they use only THREE American ships (actual war ships, not space ships) and a couple of airplanes. It's the lamest alien invasion ever! Don't watch this movie because is really really bad. What could I expect from a movie inspired by the eponymous game? The premise seems a parody from youtube actually.
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10/10
Battleship is easily the best stupid movie I've seen since Armageddon
Simon O'Neill10 November 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Battleship is easily the best stupid movie I've seen since Armageddon - it is infinitely better than every Transformers movie ever regurgitated onto the screen (apart from the Cartoon Transformers one from the 80's).

Battleship it is the romantic story of how a 26 year old former high school jock John Carter, with no qualifications or experience, ends up in charge of a giant battleship because Eric from True Blood is his brother & he runs a battleship.

High School Jock John Carter and has to destroy an alien invasion in order to impress Naval Commander Liam Neeson so he can marry his really hot daughter that wore that yellow bikini in Just Go With It - he does this by letting Japanese people do everything for him.

They use a grid showing the surrounding floating Tsunami alert devices (because the aliens disabled the radar you see) to actually play the game 'battleships' and blow up the aliens using complete guess work & then they ask Old retired war veteran people to borrow their museum battleship & help them blow up Hawaii after they broke all their own battleships while playing battleships with the aliens earlier on - and then at the end he takes the credit for it all, gets a medal & goes for a Chicken Burrito with Liam Neeson.

Despite the fact he knows nothing of the man, Liam Neeson agrees to let him marry his really hot daughter as thanks for letting the Japanese & the old people save the world while he stood around and watched.

Rhianna is in it too - but don't let that stop you watching the movie as she is like a hot version of Vasquez from Aliens - and to the movies great credit, but also to my great disappointment, at no point does the movie allude to the fact that Rhianna has breasts. Amazing Wonderous Breasts.

Also that freaky little guy from Ghostbusters II that plays the museum director Dr Janosz ("The joyfulness is over!") plays the President of the USA - what's not to like here?
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