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*** This review may contain spoilers ***
This is my first ever review on IMDb and after watching this movie a
few hours ago I was compelled to register on IMDb so I could play the
Battleship guessing game with you (similar to the original Battleship,
only that it's not).
Q1: How does a radio telescopes work? Do they
A - Detect and collect data on radio sources
B - Shoot some type of visible light laser beam to another solar system in the hope to communicate with aliens?
Answer: B - It's hard for someone to imagine how a signal is sent.
Q2: What would be the best way for an alien ship to travel once on earth?
A - Fly
B - Hop on the water (in one direction) like a cross between a water strider and a frog
Answer: B - Also staying true to their weapons system which only work line of sight.
Q3: Once the alien destruction robots are launched to attack and weaken the human defense, do they
A - Destroy 20 unarmed helicopters
B - Ruin a field where kids are playing baseball
C - Destroy the only remaining docked Battleship equipped with Harpoon and Tomahawk missiles
D - Attack some concrete pillars holding up a section of a freeway
Answer: A,B,D - Who would ever think that the USS Missouri had a better chance of attacking the aliens as opposed to a freeway.
Q4: Your a bad-ass alien who traveled ten's of light years to take over another planet, what do you bring as a personal weapon?
A - A ray guy than can evaporate anything in sight
B - Any other type of projectile weapon
C - A knife that looks like a screwdriver
Answer: C - The only weakness being that it takes this weapon 20 seconds to warm up, giving a double leg amputee enough time to walk up to the armored alien kick-box it in the head and take off it's helmet.
Q5: The humans have fired a tomahawk missile at your alien ship. What do you do?
A - Try to shoot it down with your own weapons
B - Try to maneuver your ship out of the way
C - Have your alien ship hop directly into the missile
Answer: C - Oh yes that's right the alien ship is only equipped with grenades and it can only move in the direction it is facing.
Q6: Your building an alien war ship that will be used to take over a planet. What material do you use to protect the bridge?
A - A type of super strong metal
B - Glass
Answer: B - Taking over a planet is not so easy when a few sniper rifle rounds breaches the hull on the bridge and kills the alien commander.
If you got 0% then watch the trailer and save yourself from having your intelligence insulted.
If you got above 1% then steal a chicken burrito, become captain of the navy in a few years and save the planet from an alien invasion by taking commands from an officer 20 ranks below you.
Heaven help me! I liked this movie, now I am going to be one of the few
who did. As you can see from the other reviews a lot of people didn't
like this movie, so why did I?
1. I came in with low expectations - I was expecting something horrible, boring, long and pointless, but despite myself I liked it, I laughed at the jokes, I connected with the actors (yes, Rihanna too), I was excited by the action and while clichés the plot held my interest
2. The actors did a good job with what they were given - Taylor Kitsch did a good job, Rihanna wasn't that bad, I dare say good, in her role. She was there, she didn't try to chew the scenery, she did her job as an actor/secondary character and it didn't bother me. I give her kudos
3. lost in translation? - you try to make a game into a movie and you want to put parts of them game in it? Not easy, a little cheesy? Of course, but fun? Yes, fun, enjoyable, and in the end it was a part of the story that wasn't as forced as it could have been.
So in conclusion, "Battleship" is a fun, corny, typical summer movie that I like but as you see a lot of people didn't. I think it is a guilty pleasure, something to be enjoyed by the few but annoyed by the rest. In the end I can only suggest this - go in with low expectations, expect a little over the top patriotism like in "Act of Valor" ( but not so heavy), and don't think about it. The movie is not without its flaws or questionable logic, but as it was said so well in another movie - "I suggest you don't think about it and just enjoy the ride"
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
The characters: Mostly douches with bad lines.
The story: Aliens invade, their ships are clumsy and weird and jump on water. America (and to a lesser, lesser extent Japan saves the world). There are moments when you wish you could unsee the tacky ways they (the movie makers) try to make heroes and bad-asses of certain people. Most notably the old sailors on the USS Missouri which are posed (yes, really posed!) everywhere, high and low in an awkward way that just makes you wanna squirm and throw up a little bit.
The aliens: At first you think: "This alien race seems really noble." Second thought: "I hope the aliens win, I hate the characters in this movie so much!" Third thought: "Huh, so the aliens aren't noble, they're just stupid. And they seem a bit evil according to the unoriginal flashback John Carter got but... I'm still rooting for the aliens! Go aliens, exterminate this movie-verse!!"
The sum: Why did I watch this movie with awkward characters, unlikable at best. Silly plot with horribly pushed tie-ins to the battleship game. Plain dumb aliens. In-your-face product placement (Cola Zero, LG, Subway and probably some more). Why? I was really, really bored. And now I've lost faith in Hollywood movie making. It's not better then Transformers, It's just as bad.
If your over 10 years old: Don't watch this. If you 10 or younger: Don't watch this.
Hollywood needs to learn that they can't push this crap from the toilet to the big screen anymore!
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Battleship is bar none the worst movie I have seen in recent years. It
is a noisy, clichéd and unbearable piece of trash that exploits the
work of CG artists and paying customers who just want to be
A simple way to describe Battleship, is that it's basically a $200 million naval recruitment video that was made by a schizophrenic 8 year old who likes video games and things going Ka-Boom.
The main heroes in this movie are indeed American navy sailors, but the one thing the film-makers really failed at is making these people likable and realistic. Taylor Kitsch plays the lead character, he's basically some drop out loser who robs convenience stores to get girlfriends and joins the navy at his brothers behest, and in what seems like no time at all he becomes a lieutenant with big responsibilities on a naval vessel with some few hundred men beneath him.
The special effects are the only thing to keep you invested, however they're all completely CG so it just likes a cut-scene from a video game . Something that should be impressive (like a ship sinking) is made pointless because it's something clearly rendered on a computer.
The soundtrack to the movie is okay composition wise, but it's often loud and draws attention to itself and it sounds exactly like the Inception soundtrack on numerous occasions.
This movie has the shadow of Transformers looming over it, both in its marketing and tone. Battleship however is far, far, far worse than any of those three films and it could probably be used as a symbol for the decline of western civilisation.
There are 3 hugely anticipated block-busters this year and Battleship
was the first one to be released. I had expectations of watching this
at that cinema a few times and getting it on blue ray - this is my type
of movie!; or at least that was the expectation. With such great
promotional footage and Liam Neeson heading the cast, it had to be
great. In reality, Neeson has almost a bit part (in fact you see most
of it in the promotional adverts), clearly there to increase sales of
the movie; with the bulk of the 'acting' coming from Taylor Kitsch.
A ludicrous start with Kitsch playing a 27 year loser who, on the recommendation of his brother (Alexander Scarsgard) joins the Navy, suddenly to become at Lt Cdr - The script is clearly written by someone with no military knowledge or experience and that the actions, demeanour and interaction with all that are supposed to be military personnel, is a non sense. It makes Top Gun look believable! However, it gets worse;with aliens that have made there way to earth with great looking craft,that impressively rise from the ocean (great CGG) - you see it on the commercials for the movie, the only weapon they possess are melee type Armour - pretty ridiculous
really and by this point the movie has lost any form of credibility. The outcome is obvious from the first few minutes and I certainly wouldn't go back for a repeat viewing. It's still probably worth a watch if you can't resist, but don't buy any pop corn; there's enough corn in this movie!
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I ate 4-cheeses tortellini for lunch and then went to see "Battleship". guess which one was cheesier. This movie is terrible and I'll tell you why, but first let me say one thing. This is not how action movies should be made and it is not fair to make bad movies just to cash some money because "hey, it's an action movie!" I don't believe in low class genres: is not a sin to enjoy an action movie, but it should be a good movie anyway! Battleship has an horrible plot, actually nothing happens but it does it in more than 2 hours. God if it was boring! I don't understand how you could ever make a movie with explosions and fast-paced editing sooo boring. There are elements that make to sudden apparitions and too much plot holes. There are some TERRIBLE comic scenes, like the one where the guy is stealing a burrito for his bigtittied trophy. In that moment it becomes American pie, the family guy, epic movie. There's a LOT of FAKE lens flare. I don't understand why, is it a fad now? In super8 they had a meaning, but in battleship there are even more and they really make no sense. Every single clichè, you can find it in here. well, we live in a postmodern period so that's okay, we are used to see old clichés. The problem is that they use them like it is 1980 and it's the first time. If you care about that, the aliens are really a bunch of pussies. They invade earth and the humans have to struggle a little to fight them. Yeah, just because they use only THREE American ships (actual war ships, not space ships) and a couple of airplanes. It's the lamest alien invasion ever! Don't watch this movie because is really really bad. What could I expect from a movie inspired by the eponymous game? The premise seems a parody from youtube actually.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I have written very few reviews on IMDb, I simply do not have the time,
but on this occasion things are different. This movie could have been
so good, yet it is truly awful.
I am a total advocate of having fun at movies and suspending belief but in this movie, even attempting to do that is interrupted by shocking characters with shocking lines. If people reacted in real life like many of these do in the movie, you could be forgiven for shooting them on sight.
The main character played by Taylor Kitsch is so annoying, so arrogant, so stupid so utterly imbecilic that for him to be allowed in uniform would be a slur on a nations entire armed forces. He seems to have adopted a role trying to emulate bad boy comes good Chris Pine as Kirk in the 2009 excellent movie Star Trek. But it doesn't work and he displays himself as a complete and utter loser in every respect, and frankly the screen writers should not work again.
Every cliché possible is thrown in, trying to make what is termed 'an extinction event' funny. As aliens battle to use an earth array radar to communicate with their planet and bring on the destruction of the planet, the geek in charge of the array who knows everything about it says 'what! are they trying to phone home like ET'??? Shoot that man!
I am saddened that Liam Neeson's bank balance is so low that he needed to take on his role in this movie. If he was that short of cash, had he just put an ad on IMDb I am sure we would have all chipped in $5 each to keep him out of this disaster.
The boys and girls in the CG room did an awesome job, but it was so unoriginal with all the trappings of Transformers that whilst technically superb it was just all pointless. Just where have they spent $200 000 000 ? It must all be in CG or was it the fee for Rihanna? Whatever, the budget for this movie would have been better spent on saving some third world country from economic disaster.
At the end it becomes clear that whoever the military adviser was, whatever their sins during the main part of the movie, should definitely have been sacked and not paid. Our main character the man who has led a team of misfits to save the entire planet is awarded ...the 'Silver Star', the third highest award the military can give. Where was the medal of honour? the top banana, they must have been limited as only one was given to our main mans dead brother, who did nothing other than stand on the bridge of a ship and get blown up (apart from also putting up with his cretin brother for which he definitely deserved the award).
In summary, totally disappointing. To base a movie on the Hasbro game of Battleships was always going to be a challenge, are we now going to face movies based on snakes and ladders and 'frustration'? Too many agendas were hidden in this movie to ensure a politically correct Hollywood ra ra ra conclusion. There were many points in the movie where I totally wanted the Aliens to succeed and destroy the planet, as it's occupants were proving that there was no intelligent life here. If you are dragged along to this movie then maybe just put your iphone on silent and play angry birds or some other garbage game to keep yourself entertained, or better still play Battleships.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Turning a board game into a big-budget summer blockbuster was always
going to be a stretch. But Hasbro the company behind the cinematic
juggernaut Transformers series thought they had locked on to a winning
formula for their adaptation of their best-selling board-game
Battleship...namely ditch Michael Bay for the supremely talented Peter
Berg, add aliens and throw shed-loads of money at the screen. And it
The plot such as it is sees Taylor Kitsch play the lovable aimless reluctant hero. Drafted into the Navy after a drunken stunt to impress a girl goes awry he soon rises up through the ranks as his natural ability overshadows his confrontational nature. Meanwhile scientists have discovered a new planet light-years away that might just contain intelligent life. Sending a message to this planet they are seemingly unaware of the potential consequences, that ET might answer and drop by. Back in Hawaii the Navy is gearing up for a massive military exercise when our new "friends" decide to pay a visit. What happens next is man v alien in a spectacular battle of technology and wits for the control of the planet...
So lets start with Kitsch. The poor boy never can quite get a script close to that of his breakout TV role in Friday Night Lights. He's a likable guy, who does his best with the material and can handle the action sequences with aplomb. He is however overawed by Alexander Skarsgard, who manages, in a significantly smaller role, to show why he's better equipped for leading man duties than his John Carter starring cohort. Liam Neeson gives another in his trademark gruff father figure performances. You never get the feeling that he's exerting himself, but that's okay. Rihanna casts aside her singer-cum-actress background and manages to give as good as she gets playing with the boys. Brooklyn Decker never equates to more than eye-candy and the rest of the actors are all given screen-time but no background.
As a feat of technical film-making Battleship is a tour-de-force. It's visually stunning with obvious state of the art effects and seamless CGI for the most part. The alien technology is beautifully rendered, although the aliens themselves leave a lot to be desired. Likewise the movie slows to a crawl during the misconstrued slow-mo weapon loading sequences, which serve to remove the audience from the action rather than immerse them in the spectacle. Aurally the film is amazing, way to loud, but the sound design itself is full of merit. The soundtrack works well in places, less so in others. The liberally used rock classics that magnify the action are well timed, as is the wonderful interjection of the Pink Panther theme. Sadly it all comes apart when we get to the script. The story is woeful, with under developed characters serving only to spout unnecessary exposition and act as the most needless array of clichés seen in many a year. Even by the standards of sci-fi films based on board games this is ludicrous. Berg has a good eye for action but even he can't help but channel his inner Michael Bay when it comes to blowing stuff up. Given a couple more months to develop the script, a good edit job and 40 less decibels and we'd have a real contender on our hands here.
As it stands Battleship is a completely mental, completely bombastic, completely stupid summer blockbuster. A missed opportunity perhaps but maybe just what the doctor ordered if you like your movies loud, crass and Americatastic.
Sitting in the theatre last night, a line from an old Tool song was rattling around in my brain. "One great big, festering, neon distraction" was used by the band to describe the state of California, but the description couldn't be more apt for Peter Berg's BATTLESHIP. A deafening, blue and orange military recruitment tool, the film can't even sustain its laughably simple premise, and attempts to promote a message so unappealing to its target audience I was left questioning why it even exists. Story is the least important element here, so lets just say that in between all the sweeping helicopter shots and blinding lens flare, an international Naval war games exercise is interrupted by alien invaders, and it's up to reckless officer Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) to save the day. Kitsch delivers solid character work early on, but soon gets lost in the cacophony of bangs and seizure-inducing editing which leaves little room for the human story. Inexplicably added to the mix are pop star Rihanna, seemingly here for no other reason than, well, she's Rihanna, and Liam Neeson collecting his paycheck for around 10 minutes of screen time. But, as I said, we're not here for the story, rather the spectacular action and special effects right? The bad news is that when the aliens finally show up, BATTLESHIP's pace strangely slows to a crawl (no doubt due to the limited options offered by the source material), and all potential excitement and interest evaporates. Director Berg forces the idea of teamwork down the audience's throats (Japan and the US fighting together in Hawaii? Wonders never cease), and doesn't even try to disguise his recruitment agenda. Indeed, the film is little more than a hyperkinetic music video (oh, that's why Rihanna is here) designed to lure impressionable youth into signing up so they too can fight the 'alien invaders'. Herein lies the problem however: young people today almost definitely don't play Battleship. Basing a tentpole film on a board game seemed like a daft idea from the outset, but recent cinema history has seen a theme park ride turned into a critically and financially successful franchise, so precedent is there in a way. Unfortunately for Universal, even those of us who grew up in a pre-internet/Xbox Live world remember Battleship as a desperately boring endeavour, so how can it be expected to compete in today's short attention-span culture? The strange metaphor that Berg attempts to craft in the film's third act, suggesting that we need to remember and re-appraise the past, just won't fly with 21st century teens bred in our disposable, constantly updating world of technological wonder. BATTLESHIP's strange juxtaposition of bombastic special effects framing ancient board game mechanics simply doesn't sit right, and it's hard to imagine the teen audience, so crucial for success at the summer box-office, tearing themselves away from the latest CALL OF DUTY to embrace the turn-based 'excitement' of this ridiculous film. No amount of explosions can salvage a limp and underwritten movie, and BATTLESHIP, not entirely unexpectedly, is torpedoed by its own outdated inspiration.
OK, first of all, yes, this movie has more holes than the surface of
the moon. Some of the plot points, tactics, technical gaffes, etc. etc.
etc. are so bad and stupid as the be insulting. Seriously, if you are
up on your military technology at all it's best to go to this movie
seriously drunk so that you won't care about the dumbness.
That said, it's actually a pretty fun movie. And, yes, I think it's better than Battle Los Angeles or even the latest Transformers. Why? Because this movie didn't make the same critical mistakes of trying to have Acting in the damn film. Nothing slows down a good action flick like a damn love story in the background, or the hero dealing with his feelings or, worse still, putting brats in the line of fire. Battleship had none of that - just a bunch of thick-headed do- gooders doing what they do best and not really learning a whole lot about anything, including themselves, in the process.
Another thing I like is that there is an appreciation for the warships and the people who serve on them. The timing of the ACDC music for the going-into-battle scene is perfectly done. You can't help but smile.
The alien technology is actually pretty imaginative and the animation is good. It's not as over- the-top as Battle LA - where there was so much going on you get overwhelmed. But when the aliens want something blowed up, they do so with conviction. Mind you, some of the technical deficiencies of the alien technology will leave you wondering how these creatures managed to cross a galaxy. But try not to worry about that - the writers sure didn't.
The cast is OK. Neeson is decent as the admiral or whatever, and even Rihanna does an acceptable job. We're not talking about "Apocalypse Now" kinds of performances, but it wasn't horrible either. It was at least semi-believable.
Look, this ain't no "Bedford Incident". But it's a pretty decent way to kill a couple hours and snarf down some popcorn. All the folks griping about the technical problems - well, it's all true - but who cares? This movie doesn't pretend to be realistic. Hell, in the credits it's "Based on the game by Hasbro," so go in prepared and enjoy.
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