John Bacchus: Sir, *please* can I go on that course?
George Gently: No!
John Bacchus: Why?
George Gently: Because you don't need to. I can summarise it for you in two sentences. "A Modern Approach to Policing Crime in London. One: Find out where the villains drink. Two: Ask them for a bribe."
Julie: I went out with this bloke once, right, and I said to him, I asked him "What star-sign are you?" And you'll never guess what he said: "Herpes". It made us laugh for weeks.
[Chief Constable Lilley is the Master of the Lodge which has just admitted John Bacchus to the Freemasons. He is also the father of John's wife, Lisa. He greets John with a false smile that makes it look as if he is congratulating him]
Chief Constable Lilley: If I have one more tearful lunch with my daughter on account of you, then I shall remove your balls and post them to you. Understood? Say "Yes" and smile.
John Bacchus: [nervously] Yes. Thank you. Understood.
Chief Constable Lilley: [prompting him] Edgar.
John Bacchus: Edgar.
Chief Constable Lilley: And if I ever hear you call me "Edgar" outside of this Lodge, then I shall mince them before I post them to you. Say "Thank you".
John Bacchus: Thank you, Edgar.
[Maurice Hilton was a health inspector who traced an outbreak of food poisoning to Geoffrey Pershore's mill, but did not issue a closure notice because Pershore was a fellow Freemason]
John Bacchus: Yes, I remember this, now. Yeah, you blamed a Chinese chippy for the outbreak, didn't you?
Maurice Hilton: It *deserved* to be closed. I found half a goat in the fridge once.
John Bacchus: [grinning] Scapegoat, was it?