- Greg Glaverman: [Watching Brian make out with Simone] I hope Brian's wearing a rubber. Guys, if there's one thing I've learned it's that chlamydia is not a flower. It's a cotton swab the size of a majorette's baton jammed in your urethra.
- Billy: Greg... we're dudes. We don't have urethras. We have dicks. The only reason I'm in this band is for the chicks.
- Lance: Yeah. If I didn't wanna meet chicks, I'd sell furniture.
- Wendy Horowitz: I just wanted to let you guys know I really liked your show.
- Lance: You know that, like... we suck.
- Wendy Horowitz: Yeah. But in a good way.
- Dave: We do suck in the grand scheme of things.
- Vicky: The grand scheme of things is Huey Lewis and the News. Which you guys aren't, thank God.
- Greg Glaverman: She's right. You're not Huey Lewis or the News.
- Greg Glaverman: [Handing the boys a business card] My name's Greg Glaverman. I manage and promote bands.
- Dave: [Looking at the card] It says here you sell furniture, Greg.
- Greg Glaverman: That's an old card. The new ones are gonna say both.
- Billy: [Suddenly realizing] I know you, dude! You're that guy who's always getting his ass kicked in those TV commercials!
- [the band cracks up]
- Greg Glaverman: So... have you guys, like, cut a demo? Is there anything I could listen to? I've got a cassette player in my car, I could just pop it in.
- Dave: Are you serious?
- Lance: What's "Slamdini" like in real life?
- Greg Glaverman: He's pretty nice. We don't really talk much. I'm serious about the demo.
- Kenny: [Yelling at Billy and Lance] How are we ever gonna make it anywhere as a band if you guys can't act professional on stage? I mean... you can't just do what you want out there! This is rock and roll! There are rules, man!
- Greg Glaverman: [Snorts cocaine for the first time, to the dealer] You wouldn't happen to have any of this for sale, would you?
- Ellie: [Hands Lance a bag for a Fingers record] Why don't you guys take this as payment? I've got to unload them before my dad gets here anyway.
- Billy: Is that weed?
- Ellie: Mushrooms.
- Greg Glaverman: [Runs by, high on cocaine] Mushrooms? Freak out! That's hippie shit. Child's play!
- Ellie: ...is that your roadie?
- Billy: Um... something like that...
- [Brian and Dave approach Billy and Lance tripping on mescaline]
- Brian: Great show guys.
- Billy: Yeah right.
- Brian: No, I... I'm serious. You guys ever thought about joining a real band?
- Dave: What real band?
- Brian: Our real band.
- Dave: [Realizing Brian's idea] ... no... no no no no no, not these guys. They're all heavy metal and shit.
- Billy: [Scoffs] Whatever, dude.
- Dave: Sorry...
- Brian: [to Dave] It's okay. Why don't you just leave the staffing & sonic stylings to me, okay? I can mold these guys into our sound.
- Lance: [to Billy] Do they know that we're, like, right in front of them?
- Billy: Who the fuck are you guys? We don't even know you!
- Brian: Look, this is Dave. He is the best bass player in the whole tri-county universe.
- Dave: [Genuinely touched] Thanks... this is Brian. He's out of his goddamn mind.
- Brian: Look, I know this is gonna sound crazy, okay? But after you lost... Gandalf on bass, I had a vision of a band that we're all in. It's not metal, it's not really punk and you know what? It doesn't suck.
- Lance: [Takes a long drag on his spliff] So are you guys, like... on drugs or something?
- Dave: No, we're not.
- Billy: You got any more?
- Brian: ...yes.
- Greg Glaverman: [Watching Brian make out with Simone] Hey, wait a minute, I know that girl.
- Billy: [Drunk, surprised] You do? How?
- Greg Glaverman: She's like punk rock royalty.
- Lance: So how do you know her?
- Greg Glaverman: Well, her boyfriend's Miles Monroe.
- Lance: I'm thinking maybe they broke up.
- Billy: Who the hell is Miles Monroe?
- Greg Glaverman: He started Miles Per Hour Records.
- [Billy and Lance are blank]
- Greg Glaverman: Miles Per Hour Records? One of the best indies in the country? It's right here in town! It's the label you guys wanna be on.
- Billy: Warner Bros is the label I wanna be on. With Van Halen.
- Lance: Yeah, yeah... and whatchimacallit, uh... Düsker Hü.