Carlos: [putting ice on Michael's knee and trying to make up with him] You have to take care of this knee, gordito. How's that feel?
Michael: Much better now.
Carlos: I love you Michael.
Michael: I love you too, osito.
Carlos: And I wanna be with you at the hospital when you go.
Carlos: I would be lucky to be by your side.
Michael: Thank you. That won't be necessary.
Carlos: Why, gordito? Please.
Michael: Carlos, I'm not going to have the surgery.
Carlos: [relieved] Oh my god! When did you decide this?
Michael: [breaking down into happy tears] When you put the ice on my knee.
Bar patron: [hitting on Michael in front of Carlos] Hey baby.
Carlos: Hey don't squeeze the Charmin, papa, ok?
Fred: [after he let an attraction to Tyler slip] I'm sorry, Brent. It just happened.
Brent: I know. I saw it, do you think I'm stupid?
Fred: No, I don't. I was stoned.
Brent: Oh, what's fucking new?
Fred: Why didn't you say something?
Brent: What am I supposed to say, Fred? 'Tyler, can you please get your taint out of my husband's face?
Fred: Fuck, I can't believe I did that.
Brent: I can't believe you did it after we just talked about how you're okay with not doing it.
Fred: That was the truth. I wasn't looking to open the relationship.
Brent: Then what were you looking for in the crack of his ass?
Simon: [in line waiting to enter the bear run] Grr.
Tyler: What are you doing?
Simon: Getting my bear on.
Tyler: Simon, don't embarrass me.
Polar Bear: Can I get some service over here?
Brent: Shut up, ya polar Bear!
Brent: I better go tend to her before she goes extinct.
Bear Cafe patron: Hey, is anybody working here?
Brent: Shut the fuck up, Mary, don't get your panties in a bunch!
Michael: [Roger diplayed the set of sounds he just bought] Please tell me those are metal chopsticks.
Fred: Well, they could be used on Chinese, just not the food per se.
Brent: You know what those are?
Brent: [to Michael] Do you know what those are?
Michael: They ain't for knittin'!
Brent: [during a discussion about opening up their relationship] My mother says if you say something once, that you probably thought it twice.
Fred: Which is complete bullshit.
Brent: You calling my mother a liar?
Fred: I have a few choice adjectives if you're asking. Sweetheart, you know I love your mother. Could we leave her out of this conversation, please?
Tyler: Seriously, Brent, thank you, very much. It's really appreciated, I need this job.
Brent: Oh, well, the job sucks. Don't worry about that. But the eye candy is compensation.
Tyler: I'll say.
[eyeing a redhaired leather bear]
Tyler: Hard candy by the looks of this.
Brent: No, no, that's Robbie. We call her Ruby because of the slippers that will fall out of her mouth when she speaks.
Drag Queen: Hey Luvah!
Robbie: [effeminately] Girl! Honey, you look fabulous! Do a little twirl, so I can take a look atcha!
Tyler: Can I have a search party sent out for the hard on that I just lost?
Roger: [Carlos just revealed Michael's plans for lapband surgery] Carlos, shut the fuck up!
Carlos: So of course you know. You can't tell me that you, of all people, approve of this.
Roger: No, I don't. But it's not my decision, nor is it yours.
Simon: [Tyler and Simon hadn't seen each other for a bit] Notice anything different?
Tyler: You're now part of the rhythm nation?
Simon: Hello! I lost five whole pounds? Thought I'd have you drooling by now.
Tyler: Actually, gaining ten would probably put you in the right direction.
Simon: What, you mean you want me to have a roll?
Tyler: Twenty pounds.
Simon: A muffin top?
Simon: Are you suggesting... I mean, a whole belly?
Tyler: Yeah. Throw in some hair on that belly and I think we're talking perfection.
Simon: What happened to you? Were you dropped on your head as a child?
Tyler: God, Simon, please don't ever change. Scratch that. Mature, but please don't ever change.
Simon: [Tyler walked in on Simon dancing to Dance Dance Revolution] Shit Tyler, you scared the hell out of me. Haven't you ever heard of knocking?
Tyler: [laughing] Oh God, you are officially whatever the PC term is for retarded.
Simon: Hand me those shorts
[Tyler tosses them to him]
Simon: Hey, it's my cardio, okay? Gym memberships cost a fortune in this city.
Ted: [seeing the 7-10 split Tyler has to spare] Whoa snake eyes! Someone's fucked without spit!
Ted: Looks to me if the kid makes this spare, he could take you. Ten bucks says the kid makes the impossible shot and kicks your ass!
Roger: You remember Tyler?
Ted: Yeah, I lost ten bucks on the kid. So, what are ya, babysitting?
Roger: Tyler and I are together, so just watch the fucking attitude!
Michael: Carlos, I think I'm gonna have the surgery.
Carlos: [not impressed] So you're getting your stomach stapled?
Michael: They don't staple the stomach anymore. They use a rubber band, a lapband they call it. I know you wouldn't understand.
Carlos: Of course I don't understand. That kind of procedure is for people with health problems. Health problems, Michael, not self worth problems!
Michael: Carlos, I need a job!
Carlos: Oh, and you think being thin is going to magically make you employable?
Michael: [almost in tears] I think you need to stay at your apartment tonight!
Carlos: Michael, I look at you and I see how beautiful you are. Inside and out.
Michael: I better see the inside out of this shirt, at the foot of my bed, in about forty seconds.
Roger: If I think I'm an asshole, I imagine the feeling is mutual.
Tyler: When are you going to stop caring about what other people think?
Roger: Kid, what other people think is all I see.
Tyler: Then close your eyes for once.
Michael: How long have we been friends?
Roger: That would be since the Mesozoic era.
Michael: Uh uh. When Pangea broke apart, and I've never seen you act like this. I think you have feelings for someone, but it ain't the Spaniard.
Roger: Michael, please don't psychoanalyze me.
Michael: Hey, I am your oldest friend. If I don't psychoanalyze you, who's gonna do it?
Simon: [after trying Randy's "dirty jock" shot] What the hell was that?
Fred: That was Randy's dirty jock.
Tyler: Yeah, tastes like it.
Randy: Fuck you bitches. Die of thirst!