Stu Price: [from trailer] All I wanted was a bachelor brunch.
Phil: It happened again, we lost Teddy.
Tracy: How bad is it, like, no wedding bad?
Phil: A bit worse than that.
Phil: Do you ever do anything that doesn't end up in a stand-off, Chow?
Mr. Chow: I'm an international criminal! It always ends up like this.
Phil: I refuse to eat fuckin' cantaloupe at a bachelor party.
Alan: I am a nurse, just not registered.
Mr. Chow: Have you ever seen monkey in jail?
Stu Price: YOU'RE THE BEARDED DEVIL!
Alan: You liked it! You smiled at me when I held up the bag of marshmallows!
Stu Price: BECAUSE I LIKE MARSHMALLOWS, YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!
Mr. Chow: Oh, you are having a bad day. Did you die?
Kimmy: There is a reason its called Bangkok, sweetie.
Alan: I'm a stay at home son.
Mr. Chow: It is about money.
When Mr. Chow gets arrested: It is not about money, it is about principle.
Alan: Oh, my word!
Alan: What the crud?
Phil: You ever do anything that doesn't end up in a standoff, Chow?
Mr. Chow: I'm an international criminal. It always ends like this.
Stu Price: [to the lyrics of "Allentown"] Well, we're living here in Alan Town / And he's driven our lives into the ground / When we woke up we were wasted and drunk / Phil got shot... / We got beaten by a monk... / I was happy and my life was good / Getting married like a dentist should / Roasting marshmallows on a stick / I got fucked in the ass... / By a girl with a dick...
Alan: Ha ha ha, I remember that.
Stu Price: And we're living here in Alan Town / But they're taking Teddy's finger now... / And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose my shit /... and shoot Alan in the face /... and shoot myself.
Alan: You totally butchered that song.
Stu Price: You totally butchered my life.
Mr. Chow: We had a sick night bitches!
Mr. Chow: Just let me do one bump, get my head straight.
Mr. Chow: I got all kindsa heat on my ass. I got FBI, Bangkok PD, Interpol, MSNBC...
Phil: Your password is baloney1?
Mr. Chow: Well, used to be just baloney, but now they make you add number.
Stu Price: We're looking for a little kid.
Samir: Two thousand dollars
Stu Price: Huh?
Samir: Maybe more, I don't know. How young you want this kid to be?
Phil: So much for holy people. Bunch of bald assholes.
Mr. Chow: [Following a harrowing car chase] I have such an erection right now!
Phil: Do you ever do anything that doesn't end in a stand-off, Chow?
Mr. Chow: I a international criminal. It always ends like this. I met my wife at one of these things.
Stu Price: You have a wife?
Mr. Chow: Yeah, we married fifteen years. Whatsa matter, Mr. Chow not good-looking enough for woman?
Alan: [confused upon seeing a naked hermaphrodite] I don't get it. Is this a magic show?
Alan: When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.
Phil: Tracy. I'm sorry.
Tracy: Where the hell are you?
Phil: /huh/ It happened again.
Tracy: Don't say that. Please.
Phil: No, this time we're really fucked up.
Tracy: Seriously, what's wrong with you three?
Phil: So much Trace, I don't even know where to begin."
Tracy: Oh God. How bad? Like no wedding bad?
Stu Price: Woah! Here's the deal man, I got a dark side. There's a demon in me.
Alan: It's true, he has semen in him.
Stu Price: I said demon.
Alan: But you also have semen in you remember, from the...
Stu Price: It's not relevant, but thank you Alan.
Mr. Chow: What's the matter, you never do blow before? Sometimes your heart stop, it start up again. Read a book.
Mr. Chow: I do blow all night. Monkey jerk me off while I watch Stu make fuck with lady-boy.
Mr. Chow: [holding up his hand while entering a restaurant] Stop! Chow crossing.
Grand Wizard: Perhaps you should bring your question to the Garden of Meditation.
Phil: Did you understand a word he just said?
Stu Price: Yeah I understood about two thirds. He said something about the Garden of Meditation.
Alan: No he said he's farting because of his medication.
Alan: [as they are walking through the temple] What is this, a PF Changs?
Alan: So what, are you a doctor?
Teddy: No, not yet, I'm pre-med.
Alan: Ever heard of that guy, Doogie Howser?
Alan: Well, he turned out to be a gay!
Alan: It's true, I read it in Teen People.
Phil: You wouldn't even be with her if it wasn't for us!
Stu Price: Oh, this will be good!
Phil: Stu, think about it! You ended up ditching Melissa... two years later, you met your true soulmate. You take Vegas out of that equation, you would've married a cunt!
[Old couple looks over and gives Phil dirty looks]
Phil: Oh, it's ok... No, I'm allowed to say it, it's a bachelor party. Drink up everybody! Oh wait, there's no alcohol. I forgot, we're at a fuckin' Ihop!
Stu Price: [Phil pulls the prescription pad out of his pants] Was this right up against your scrotum?
Alan: I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe someday.
Mr. Chow: Tell that gay monkey to leave my shit alone!
Kimmy: This one was following me like little puppy dog all around, all night, saying that he fall in love with me, asked to marry me.
Alan: Classic Stu.
Kimmy: I dance for him, he tickle me, we have sex...
Phil: You're not married yet it's no big deal.
Stu Price: It's cheating. No offense to you, you're a lovely woman, it's a violation of my moral code.
Kimmy: What code is that? Stu you loved it, you were crying saying how special it was. I had to slow down so I didn't drop my load too quick.
Stu Price: Load?
Alan: What load?
Kimmy: Oh you know, my sperm.
Stu Price: That is wrong, you're talking about my sperm. Where would your sperm come from?
Kimmy: My balls. You're in Bangkok, there's a reason they don't call it Bangcunt!
Alan: What? It's a bag of Fanta!
Mr. Chow: [upon his arrest] How the fuck?
[Samir walks in]
Mr. Chow: Samir! You fuck me over 6 grand, you camel jockey?
Samir: You spit to me? Huh? You spit to me? Hey! 6 grand this time, 8 grand last time. It's not the money, man. It's the principle!
Mr. Chow: Principle? Nigga, please! We both dead inside.
Samir: You call me nigger? Huh? Don't call me nigger!
Mr. Chow: [as the cops take him away] Toodle-loo, motherfuckers!
Samir: Racist asshole, man.
Alan: I'm actually a part of this weird wolfpack. Hey, it's not weird it's pretty cool actually, no membership fees.
Alan: [to Teddy] Sit down i got this. Sit down boy. That was a great speech sir. I like the comparisons between uh Stu and Rice. I've also prepared a few words. Hew everybody here are some fun facts. The population in Thailand is 63 million people. It is twice the size of Wyoming. It's chief exports are textiles, footwear, and rice. Each year approximately 13,000 people are killed in car accidents in Thailand. The climate in Thailand is...
Doug: Alan why don't you skip to the last card there buddy
Alan: Ok, sorry.
[Flips through about 5 or 6 cards]
Alan: None of you know Stu like I do. Not you, not you, not you, not you, not nobody knows Stu like i do. No one. I can't even tell you what we've been through because we made a pact more important than blood. What i can tell you is this, this is not Stu's first marriage. There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple years ago...
Phil: All right time's up. You can sit down now bud. You can sit down.
Alan: It was good. I did good though.
Phil: Oh God you killed it.
Alan: OK thanks Phil.
Alan: Sit down, yeah
Alan: [to Teddy] In your face.
Alan: My uncle Roger says he saw an albino polar bear once.
Stu Price: Really? Polar bears are white, how did he know it was albino?
Alan: This one was black.
Stu Price: Uh, are you sure it wasn't a black bear?
Alan: [after thinking] Whatevs.