Ted Mosby: Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have... What I thought for a second you and I had... What I know that Marshall and Lily have... I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen, I wait for it to happen and... I guess I'm just... I'm tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella Zinman: You know that once I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted Mosby: Really?
Stella Zinman: I was heading upstate to my parents' house and was doing, like, 90 on this country road and got pulled over. So this cop gets out of his car and he kinda swaggers all over and he's all, like: "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." So I looked up at him and I said: "I'm so sorry, officer. I got here as fast as I could."
Ted Mosby: For real?
Stella Zinman: Nah. It's an old joke. I know that you are tired of waiting, and you may have to wait a little while more, but she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.
Barney Stinson: Give it a week. You'll get her back. And her front. Oh! Did you feel that? It felt like a what-up quake.
Barney Stinson: Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper to pay me for a lap dance, I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket. Challenge accep... wait for it...
[Points at Ted]
Ted Mosby: I don't get it.
[Barney points to head in "think about it" gesture]
Ted Mosby: Oh, accep-ted!
Robin Scherbatsky: [after Barney's story of how a female officer stripped for him] No, false! Did not happen!
Marshall Eriksen: That was a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno.
Barney Stinson: When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is that my life has better lighting?
Marshall Eriksen: He's rich? Please tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so fat, it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming.
Barney Stinson: That is a big, fat check. A check so fat, after you have sex with it, you don't tell your buddies about it.
Robin Scherbatsky: A check so fat, when it sits next to you on an airplane, you ask yourself if it should have bought two seats.
Marshall Eriksen: That is...
Barney Stinson: A big, fat check!
Ted Mosby: Yeah, he didn't write me a check.