Charles: You could do worse than have a father who bails you out of jail.
Tyler: I don't wanna be bailed out of anything.
Tyler: [from trailer] Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it. I tend to agree with the first part.
Tyler: [from trailer] Someone's been trying to tell me something. Make her yours forever, and I'm working on the forever part.
Tyler: Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner.
Charles: How many?
Caroline Hawkins: Why do you think Dad doesn't wanna spend time with me?
Charles: She knows I'll take care of her.That's all there is, Tyler.
Tyler: 'That's all there is?' Not enough.
Tyler: [to Ally] He can stand me up, but he can't stand you up. And he can't stand my sister up.
Aidan Hall: [to Tyler] That's why chicks dig you, man. They love this freaky, poetic crap.
Neil Craig: You're kinda lost, aren't ya?
Tyler: You think you know me, but you don't.
Receptionist: You know you can't smoke in here.
Tyler: Why do you have an ashtray?
Receptionist: It's a bowl, it completes the room.
Tyler: [looks disbelieving] This is a bowl?
[puts out his cigarette]
Tyler: I guess it was just here to tease me.
Aidan Hall: He's got a daughter.
Tyler: Whose gotta daughter?
Aidan Hall: The cop who busted your face all up. He's gotta daughter.
Tyler: I know her, she's in my Global Politics class.
Aidan Hall: Go get her.
Ally Craig: I don't date sociology majors.
Tyler: Lucky for you... I'm undecided.
Ally Craig: About what?
Tyler: [pauses] Everything.
Tyler: If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched.
Tyler: You know what day I'm staring at, Michael. By 22, Ghandi had 3 kids; Motzart, 37 symphonies; and Buddy Holly was dead.
Aidan Hall: I've had enough of this brooding introvert shit! I'm ready to set up an intervention.
Tyler: You do realize that interventions don't normally consist of binge drinking, right?
Ally Craig: Do you want pancakes or french toast?
Tyler: Doesn't matter...
Aidan Hall: [mumbles] French toast...
Aidan Hall: I've planted my flag in every continent.
Aidan Hall: Come on! Just one drink!
Tyler: When was the last time you had one drink?
Aidan Hall: [thinks] communion.
Ally Craig: Your middle name is Keets? God, your parents are pretentious!
Ally Craig: I have my dessert first.
Tyler: Is that a political statement? A medical condition, perhaps?
Ally Craig: I just don't see the point in waiting. I mean, what if I die while eating my entree?
Tyler: Is that probable?
Ally Craig: It's possible. What if I choke? What if an asteroid come hurling down onto the restaurant?... I'll tell you what, if you swear on your eternal soul that I'll make it through my entree, then I'll wait. But before you answer, consider that if something does happen, you'll have to live the rest of your life knowing that not only did you lie to me, but you denied of my one last indulgence. Are you prepared to shoulder that kind of responsibility?
Tyler: [tries to kiss her, but is denied]
Ally Craig: Not tonight. Not never, but just not tonight.
Tyler: So, dessert first in case of asteroids, yes. But kissing a guy you seem at least somewhat attracted to before riding off into the unknown New York night alongside a panda you've only just met, no?
Ally Craig: [kisses him] You're weird.
Tyler: I know.
Ally Craig: [after Tyler sprays her with water] Huh. So, this is the whole playful 'you get me all wet' part, right?
Tyler: Why make it sound cheap?
Ally Craig: It is cheap. I've seen this scene a hundred times. You know what never happens in this scene though? Tyler, who doesn't really go to school? Tyler, who doesn't care about his job?
Ally Craig: No?
[lifts up the pot of spaghetti and dumps it on Tyler]
Ally Craig: That.
Tyler: [lifts up Ally and puts her over his shoulder as he heads for the bathroom] Apologize!
Ally Craig: [hits Tyler in his back] Never!
Tyler: Love's involved with spending time together, but spending time apart, can lead to loving even *more*.
Tyler: Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make her yours forever.
Caroline Hawkins: There's like a thing.
Tyler: A thing?
Caroline Hawkins: A show. Where you show what you've done and stuff. Will you come?
[reaches into his bag]
Tyler: I'll have to check my book. Uh... Abso-freakin-lutely! Are you insane? I'm going to be there the day before. I'm going to camp out.
Tyler: [barges into his father's meeting after he doesn't show up to Caroline's art show]
[holds up Caroline's picture]
Tyler: She drew you a picture! She drew you a picture, and you didn't come.
Charles: Put it on the table.
Tyler: You have a daughter who sincerely believes that you don't like her. I mean, she's trying to communicate. She's speaking. But why aren't you listening? I mean, why aren't you
[raises his tone]
Tyler: riveted! Why isn't this the most important thing? Just one night!
Man in Charles' Meeting: We can come back...
[starts rising out of the seat, along with the other people in the meeting]
Charles: No, sit down.
[they sit back down]
Charles: [turns to Tyler] Who is this display for?
Tyler: It's for you.
Charles: She knows I'll take care of her.
Tyler: [stifles a laugh] And?
Man in Charles' Meeting: We... really can come back...
Charles: Sit the fuck down!
[they sit back down]
Charles: [turns to Tyler again] I love her.
[Tyler rolls his eyes]
Charles: Good God, you toss that word around but you have no idea what it means.
Tyler: Maybe I don't. Maybe Caroline doesn't either...
Charles: I provided her world, and yours.
Tyler: That doesn't mean you can't just shatter it! How do you feel, when you have something better to do?
Charles: Who the hell do you think you're talking to? You pedaled down here on your bike, for Christ's sake! You're gonna take care of nothing! You're responsible for no one! You're a kid! You think you're the first one to lose anything? You think, that whatever you feel in your heart, I don't also feel it in mine?
Tyler: [referring to Michael] You didn't find him. Okay? I found him. And you're just so... tragically blind that you think the rest of your children are just gonna hang themselves...
Charles: [charges toward Tyler] You little piece of...
Tyler: [People in the meeting separate them] What!
Aidan Hall: [In jail] I'm glad you're happy being alone in your library with all your piles of books. But I want a future... I want a girlfriend, a wife, a divorce, and a mid-life stalking episode.
Tyler: You once told me, our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch. Is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit?
Aidan Hall: [In jail] It must be nice living at the bookstore, by yourself, with all your stacks of books. But, you see, I actually plan on having a career, and a wife, and a girlfriend, and a... and a divorce, and a mid-life stalking episode, and an erectile dysfunction.
Tyler: Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says: "You're nowhere near ready". And the other half says: "Make her yours forever". Michael, Caroline asked me what would I say if I knew you could hear me. I said: "I do know. I love you. God, I miss you, and I forgive you.
Aidan Hall: You give me the word and I will steal their bikes.
Aidan Hall: I sold your girlfriend a toothbrush.
Tyler: You sold my who? What?
Aidan Hall: You know, your girlfriend. That voluptuous delightfully oblivious little blonde you left in your bed yesterday?
Aidan Hall: Yeah, I sold her a toothbrush. I got three bucks.
Aidan Hall: Yeah are in order. 'Cause that sale inspired our newest business venture. The S.L.U.T. It's a Single Lady's Universal Tote. It's a one-night-stand travel pack for women. You know? We throw in make-up and toiletries a cell phone charger, cab numbers... We retail it for $19.95. Maybe we'd do an infomercial.
Tyler: Do you think women will buy this, with actual money?
Aidan Hall: Okay. Yeah. You know what? Fine. Be cynical. But think about it, at one point in history, two people had a conversation, a lot like this one about the lightbulb. One went on to fame and fortune, the other probably went to work at Mickey D's or something.
Aidan Hall: You know, do you realise if she had the S.L.U.T...
[Tyler shakes his head]
Aidan Hall: Too soon?
[Tyler nods his head]
Aidan Hall: Hey, what about Atlantic city for your birthday this year, man?
Aidan Hall: Yeah, we could get a suite. You could call toothbrush girl.
Tyler: I think I'd rather be sodomised with a toothbrush, than that.
Aidan Hall: It's your day man, we could work something out.
Aidan Hall: Patricia. Can I call you Patricia?
NYU Professor: No.
Aidan Hall: Life is about people and it's about what people put into people, and I want to put something into you. I - I don't want to put anything into you. You look great, I love that jacket. You're an angel Patricia, an angel.
Tyler: This is one of those things that I'm already regretting.
Aidan Hall: [about Ally] She was here the other day.
Tyler: I don't care. What do you want me to say? 'Hey Dollface, your Dad trampled all over my civil liberites. Want to make out with me?'
Aidan Hall: Well don't call her Dollface... Moron.
Aidan Hall: [to Ally] He's in love with you. I've only ever seen him look at one other girl the way he looks at you, and she's a lot shorter and shares his DNA.
Aidan Hall: Round the world party. Third floor. Come on, let's go. There's a whole lot of ugly but there's a lot more alcohol.
Aidan Hall: Megan! Meg- wow, you look great.
Megan: Do. Not. Speak.
[She keeps working]
Aidan Hall: Ok. Two beers.
Aidan Hall: Is she mad at me or something?
Tyler: She's not mad. That's how people act when they're really into you.
Caroline Hawkins: Mademoiselle Fleischman had to snap her fingers at me a lot today. And everybody laughed. They all think I'm a freak of nature.
Tyler: Mademoiselle Fleischman. Ma petite soeurette, une freak of nature. Mon Dieu. Sacre Bleu. French toast.
Aidan Hall: What the hell happened in the kitchen? Looks like somebody's water broke in there.
Aidan Hall: I want a girlfriend.
Aidan Hall: Dinners out, movies, regular sex. I can handle that... for like a... summer.
Ally Craig: You're such a romantic.
Aidan Hall: C'mon man, just one drink.
Tyler: When was the last time you had just one drink?
Aidan Hall: ...communion.
Tyler: Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it, because nobody else will.