Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: That Rachel chick makes me wanna light mysely on fire, but she can sing.
Emma Pillsbury: [after stopping Kurt in the hall] Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
Kurt Hummel: [Watching Emma drunkenly] Oh Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy...
[Bends down and throws up on Emma's shoes]
Sue Sylvester: When Sandy said that he wanted to write himself in as Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious.
Finn Hudson: You know what we should do?
Rachel Berry: Elope?
Finn Hudson: What?
Rachel Berry: Nothing.
Finn Hudson: [to Rachel] You're the most talented person I know. Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chainsaws.
Will Schuester: Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special. This is April Rhodes. She's our newest member.
Finn Hudson: Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?
April Rhodes: Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.
April Rhodes: [to Rachel] Do you have any NyQuil? I could use a pick-me-up.
April Rhodes: So, did I sleep with you?
Will Schuester: [taken aback] Um... I was a freshman when you were a senior.
April Rhodes: ...So, did I sleep with you?
Will Schuester: Hey, Em. Just trying to figure out the setlist for Saturday.
Emma Pillsbury: I just got back from the emergency room. Had them give me four decontamination showers. I think they call that "the full Silkwood".
Will Schuester: What happened?
Emma Pillsbury: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID, because he looks like an eleven year old milkmaid.
Will Schuester: April is amazing. But she's not in the glee club anymore. It... I, uh... I screwed up bringing her here. It was about me, and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys. You don't need her to be great.
Mercedes Jones: But we need her for the second act.
Will Schuester: I'll just have to go out there and tell them we had to cut the show short.
[seeing how disappointed they are]
Will Schuester: Hey, guys. You were great. Don't worry. There will be other performances.
Rachel Berry: [entering] Excuse me? I think I might have a solution. In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me.
Mercedes Jones: Since when are you willing to be an understudy?
Rachel Berry: Since I quit the play.
Kurt Hummel: Really? Why?
Rachel Berry: I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself. I know all the words to the song.
Quinn Fabray: You don't know the choreography.
Finn Hudson: Then we're gonna have to give her a lot of help out there.
Will Schuester: Go get in your costume.
Rachel Berry: Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant?
Finn Hudson: Who told you?
Rachel Berry: Everybody knows but me. I'm the only fool who went out with you and let you kiss me, thinking you actually had feelings for me.
Finn Hudson: But I... I do. Look, yeah, I haven't been totally honest with you, but that's different than lying. Well, maybe it's not that much different, but... but look, I need to get a music scholarship, so I can go to college, so I can get a good job so I can take care of my kid, and I can't do that if you don't come back to Glee Club. You should take it as a compliment.
Rachel Berry: You could have just been honest with me.
Finn Hudson: Look, I know what I did was wrong. I get that, but... that kiss was real.
Rachel Berry: Whatever it was, it ruined any chance of me ever coming back to Glee. I hope you have fun playing house with Quinn while you languish in your little ensemble, but my dreams are bigger than that, and they're bigger than you.
April Rhodes: These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be. That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.
Rachel Berry: Finn's taken, April.
April Rhodes: Yeah, well, some guys like a little somethin'-somethin' on the side.
Rachel Berry: I think your behavior is totally inappropriate, and your presence in this school is a complete travesty. What you choose to do with your life is your own business, but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.
April Rhodes: I'm not afraid of you, sweetie. There was a time when I was the biggest star around here. And now that I've got that back... I'm never letting it go.
Will Schuester: Hey, can you give us the room, Rachel? We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believin'".
Finn Hudson: Wait, she's singing the female lead?
Rachel Berry: Wait, she's in the Glee Club? She's... ancient.
April Rhodes: Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.
Jacob Ben Israel: How does it feel to be just a sophomore and get the lead in the school musical?
Rachel Berry: It's an honor. Frankly, one I feel I've earned. If there's anything I've learned in my sixteen years on the stage, it's that stars are rare, and when they're found, you have to let them shine.
Jacob Ben Israel: [turning his recorded off] Show me your bra.
Rachel Berry: You mean the one I'm wearing?
Jacob Ben Israel: Quid pro quo, Rachel. If you want a good review, show me your over the shoulder boulder holder.
Rachel Berry: No way. You can't do that. My performance will stand on its own. Besides, no one reads the school paper, anyway.
Jacob Ben Israel: Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online. You'll be finished on the high school stage. Now get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.
April Rhodes: Can I get you a drink? I just cracked open a fresh box of wine.
April Rhodes: If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees. Shoes, prom dresses. I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party with the candle still lit.
Kurt Hummel: Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
April Rhodes: I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers, I can't feel my lips
Emma Pillsbury: Kurt? I know my solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol...
Kurt Hummel: [Kurt is drunk] Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
[suddenly throws up on Emma's feet]
Emma Pillsbury: Kurt? I'm a woman who knows her solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
Emma Pillsbury: Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
Kurt Hummel: Oh, Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.