- P.J. Franklin: [voiceover] If friends are like family, then friends of friends are like cousins. Some can be cool. Some can be insufferable. It can break either way.
- Emily: So, PJ, do you have a boyfriend?
- P.J. Franklin: I do. I do. I'm a little embarrassed to bring him up, though. I actually like him.
- Emily: God, I like my boyfriend, too. We better not tell the rest of them, though. Don't want 'em to feel bad.
- P.J. Franklin: Man, whatever happened to just getting your nails done and bitching about whoever wasn't there?
- Bobby Newman: Brendo, here's the thing: If you want to be equal partners with John, you're gonna have to learn to manage him yourself.
- Brendan Dorff: I know, but it's gotten so...
- Bobby Newman: Plus, at this point, you've probably spent more quality time with the guy than I even have. I mean, I'm not even sure we'd still be friends if we hadn't killed that homeless guy together.
- Brendan Dorff: Listen, um, we're equal partners in this, but, um, since we've opened, I've kind of been doing all the legwork, and you're sort of treatin' this like some personal party you're throwin', okay? It's-it's... it's not fair.
- John: I understand what you're sayin'...
- Brendan Dorff: Dude, that's great, because I really...
- John: ...but the fact that I put up ALL the money makes me an equal-LER partner than you. You know? So... there's that.
- Brendan Dorff: You know what? I quit!
- Dr. Clayton: I'll also bet you a hundred dollars that you and your wife make love tonight.
- Andy Franklin: Excuse me?
- Dr. Clayton: Oh, come on. "Guess who I ran into today?" "Oh, that quack." "Oh, he's infuriating." "Yeah, he's the worst." "I love you." "Oh, I love you, too. I'm taking my blouse off now." "Oh, don't forget the mayonnaise and the chocolate syrup." "And we'll put on the Barry Manilow records, or would you rather have Sinatra?" "Let's let the dogs be in the room this time. That's always fun."
- P.J. Franklin: Bobby IS nice.
- Stephanie Layne: Oh, I KNOW.
- P.J. Franklin: I mean, birds practically land on his shoulder. Disney would write songs about him magically appearing if you wish hard enough.
- P.J. Franklin: God, makin' new friends is hard. I have a bad feeling we're stuck with each other.
- Bobby Newman: Well, hey, we do cover all the key demographics. I mean, you've got your sensitive-yet-strong modern man.
- Brendan Dorff: The hard-working entrepreneur.
- Kenny Morittori: The guy who can do this.
- [catches a spinning card in mid-air]
- Andy Franklin: The brother who's afraid to feel his feelings.
- Mike Callahan: And the handsome guy who defuses their jealousy with humor.
- P.J. Franklin: Ooo, when's THAT guy get here?