The Other Guys (2010)
Terry Hoitz: No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
Allen Gamble: OK, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean. Lions don't like water. If you placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle, you lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said 'You know what, lion tastes good, let's go get some more lion'. We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring.
Terry Hoitz: How you gonna do that?
Allen Gamble: We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get some more oxygen, and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and out-manned.
Allen Gamble: Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.
Terry Hoitz: I'm like a peacock, you gotta let me fly!
Allen Gamble: At age 11, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
Allen Gamble: [Hoitz and Gamble barely survive an explosion] I can't hear! I can't hear! There's blood blisters on my hands! Oh, my God! How do you walk away in a movie without flinching when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that! When they flew the Millennium Falcon outside of the Death Star, and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!
Terry Hoitz: Don't you dare badmouth Star Wars! That was all accurate!
Allen Gamble: [sung in a bar with several Irishmen] I gave my love to Erin/She promised to be true/I went to war to come back/And find five British soldiers/Had their way with her/It was consensual
[later after talking to Terry]
Allen Gamble: And all their fathers were hanged/And the children all got pink eye/While their Harry Potter books were burned.
Terry Hoitz: Your farts aren't manly.
Allen Gamble: Are you serious?
Terry Hoitz: They sound like a baby blowing out birthday candles.
Terry Hoitz: What is this?
Allen Gamble: It's my car; it's a Prius.
Terry Hoitz: I feel like we're literally driving around in a vagina.
P.K. Highsmith: Ay, ay, ay! If I wanna hear you talk, I'll shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet!
Fosse: Got a couple of tips... help you guys stay out of jail. One: try your hardest to not be Black or Hispanic.
Allen Gamble: Gator's bitches better be using jimmies!
P.K. Highsmith: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', partner?
Christopher Danson: Aim for the bushes.
[both jump off the roof of twenty story building]
Captain Gene Mauch: Shake your dicks, this pissing contest is over!
Terry Hoitz: We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop'. Okay? It's the oldest game in the book for a reason - it works. I come strong, then you come in. You got it?
Allen Gamble: Yeah.
Terry Hoitz: I come strong, then you come in.
Allen Gamble: Right. Got it.
Terry Hoitz: [to Ershon] Now you listen to me, you piece of shit! It's just you and me, and I'm gonna rip you apart! How did you cover your losses up? Huh? What drug cartel are you working with now?
David Ershon: Okay, I'll talk to you,
[pointing at Allen]
David Ershon: you're reasonable!
Terry Hoitz: [shaking him] No-no, look at me!
Allen Gamble: Yeah? You wanna talk to me?
[pushes Terry away and storms on Ershon]
Terry Hoitz: Allen, what are you doing?
Allen Gamble: [yells at Ershon] I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!
[runs around smashing his office]
Allen Gamble: [next scene, Allen and Terry are walking outside] Look, I'm really sorry about that. I just... I saw how aggressive you were being, and I thought 'Wow, I gotta go even bigger than that since we're doing 'Bad cop, bad cop'.
Terry Hoitz: What? No, I said 'Good cop, bad cop'. I'm the bad cop, you're the good cop.
Allen Gamble: Okay, then there it is. That's it. I thought you said 'Bad cop, bad cop'.
Allen Gamble: Hey, I didn't know you can dance.
Terry Hoitz: We used to do those dance moves to make fun of guys when we were kids to show them how queer they were, okay.
Allen Gamble: You learned to dance like that sarcastically?
Terry Hoitz: Yeah, I guess.
Captain Gene Mauch: This paperwork is like Bob's wife here. It's thick, ugly, and has Danson's fingerprints all over it. No offense, Bob.
Bob Littleford: Nah, it's alright.
Hazmat Officer: From bodily fluids and hair samples, we've determined that a bunch of old homeless dudes had an orgy in there.
Terry Hoitz: You feel that, Allen? Huh? That tingling in your balls? Big metal butterflies fluttering around your stomach?
Allen Gamble: Are you sure you don't have testicular cancer?
Terry Hoitz: I got something to get you going.
[plays a hardcore song on the car stereo]
Terry Hoitz: Let's go do some damage!
Allen Gamble: Nope.
[switches it to a lyrical song]
Terry Hoitz: What the hell is that?
Allen Gamble: LRB. Little River Band.
Terry Hoitz: This music makes me feel like I'm going shopping for a training bra.
David Ershon: Gentlemen, you have two choices: Mamma Mia or Jersey Boys.
Martin: [after Allen's Prius gets covered with cocaine] It looks like Scarface sneezed on your car!
Dr. Sheila Gamble: Allen, I'm pregnant.
Allen Gamble: Whose baby is that? Who's the man who did that to you?
Allen Gamble: [In gator voice] Gator needs his gat you punk ass bitch.
Dirty Mike: How you fellas doin'? We about to have us a little screw party in this red Prius over here if you wanna join us.
Allen Gamble: Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the Boys?
Dirty Mike: How you know who we are?
Allen Gamble: You left a note in that car!
Terry Hoitz: [shows his badge] Police, shithead.
Dirty Mike: He's a copper, we gotta go. C'mon! Hey, grease it, boys! They're cops!
[He and the Boys run off]
Allen Gamble: You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!
Dirty Mike: We are gonna have sex in your car! It will happen again!
Roger Wesley: There are three things I love in this world: Kylie Minogue, small dimples just above a woman's buttocks...
Allen Gamble: Beautiful features.
Roger Wesley: And the fear in a man's eye when he know's I'm about to hurt him.
Allen Gamble: [while Hoitz is holding him at gunpoint] You won't shoot me.
Terry Hoitz: I shot Jeter!
Allen Gamble: That was an accident!
Terry Hoitz: Was it? Now move.
Radio Dispatch: We found your stolen Prius, it was voting for Ralph Nader.
Allen Gamble: [Terry picks up his computer screen and throws it on the floor] What are you doing?
Terry Hoitz: We just handed all of our evidence over to the bad guy's lawyer!
Allen Gamble: [In his Gator voice] Are you a big man? Huh? I'm talkin' to you!
Terry Hoitz: [All confused] What?
Allen Gamble: Do you wake up in the mornin' and say, "I'm puttin on my big boy pants. Look, I'm wearin' a belt. I got big boy pants on."
[stomps on broken screen]
Allen Gamble: We don't do that shit!
Terry Hoitz: Stop! Stop it man, you're scarin' the shit outta me man, stop it!
Allen Gamble: Is this how you conduct yourself... in a democracy?
Allen Gamble: I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
P.K. Highsmith: You have the right to remain silent... but I want to hear you scream!
Terry Hoitz: You keep hiding from shit in the world, and eventually the world comes to your front door.
David Ershon: I think the best way to tell the story is by starting at the end, briefly, then going back to the beginning, and then periodically returning to the end, maybe giving different characters' perspectives throughout. Just to give it a bit of dynamism, otherwise it's just sort of a linear story.
Captain Gene Mauch: [to Allen and Terry] Listen guys, I've got two jobs. I work here, and I have another job at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I'm doing it to put a kid through NYU, so he can explore his bisexuality and become a DJ.
Captain Gene Mauch: You know what, I'm going to hang onto the wooden gun.
Allen Gamble: To give me back my real gun?
Captain Gene Mauch: No. I'm going to give you this... It's a rape whistle. You blow that if you're in any trouble, and someone with an actual gun will come and help you out.
[Quietly blows the whistle]
Hal: [chasing Gamble] You get back here and you make love to my wife!
Allen Gamble: [Steps on gas pedal] America!
Terry Hoitz: [Car crashes into the crime scene] Did you yell 'America' when you hit the accelerator?
Allen Gamble: Nope. No, no. I've never actually put my foot all the way down to the ground with the accelerator like that. It got me slightly aroused.
Bob Littleford: Hey, guys. There's a proxy vote for a big reinvestment of the pension coming up, so if you just wanna come by the old...
Terry Hoitz: Damn it, Bob! Let me ask you something - what do you even do around here besides interrupt people?
Bob Littleford: Well, I serve as treasurer to the union, I make a wicked pot of decaf...
Terry Hoitz: Exactly! You're a worthless piece of shit!
Bob Littleford: Probably right, Terry. That's why I feel so sad all the time. I'm gonna go for a walk.
Bob Littleford: Bob!
Allen Gamble: Say something!
Terry Hoitz: Come on! Bob!
Terry Hoitz: I didn't mean it, all right? I'm upset.
Allen Gamble: [In Gator voice] Gator turns van's upside down like they in a crazy washing machine!
[over the phone]
Captain Gene Mauch: Wait a minute, wait a minute. How many times have I explicitly told you, lay off Ershon?
Allen Gamble: [to Terry] Terry, how many times has Captain told us to stay off the Ershon case?
Terry Hoitz: Twice.
Allen Gamble: [to Gene] Terry says twice, I agree.
Martin: Look at these two jamokes, would ya? One shot Jeter and the other shot an office.
Fosse: Have some decorum, we're at a funeral. Shhh.
Fosse: You wanna dance Brolio? Huh? I will rock your body with big nasty hooks, you'll be pissin' blood outta your ass.
Allen Gamble: That's horrible.
Terry Hoitz: Why don't you step back, man. You touch him, I swear to god I'm gonna beat the shit out of you with Allen's head.
Allen Gamble: He's not gonna do that, that's hyperbole, but that's a weird example.
Hal: [Talking to Terry while Bob's Wife and Allen are in the other room] I bet because I have this beard you think I'm really hairy.
[Motions to his body]
Allen Gamble: One day I'll get you over that wall of anger, and it will be glorious!
Terry Hoitz: What the hell are you doing?
Francine: I'm dancing, Terry. What the hell are you doing here?
Terry Hoitz: I love you, Francine. If you were with me, you wouldn't be here in this strip club, shaking it for dollar bills!
Francine: This is a ballet studio, Terry, okay? These poles are horizontal.
Allen Gamble: He loves you very much, Francine.
Francine: Who is this guy?
Terry Hoitz: What are you doing here, Allen?
Allen Gamble: It's the code, I'm your partner. I'm here to support a friend and a work colleague.
Terry Hoitz: Remember us, hotshot?
David Ershon: Of course I do. Please, sit.
[to his secretary]
David Ershon: Two of those Russian waters, please. No lime wedges, just cucumber.
Terry Hoitz: Guess where we just came from? An explosion at your accounting office.
David Ershon: Yes, that awful gas leak.
Terry Hoitz: Gas leak? The only gas leak is the one coming out of your mouth right now.
David Ershon: I just thank God no one was hurt or injured in a bad way. I absolutely abhor death.
Terry Hoitz: Hey, Andrew Lloyd Webber, the jig is up, okay? We know it wasn't your security team that grabbed you. And we know you're targeting a big fish to cover losses. You talk or I beat you so it don't show no bruises.
Allen Gamble: God, this water is good. Terry, have you tried the water?
Terry Hoitz: Shut up, Allen.
Allen Gamble: Mr Beaman? Mr Don Beaman?
Don Beaman: It's Wesley. I know Ershon and Wesley...
Allen Gamble: Look, there's a lot to live for in this life. A lot of great things, like soda pop, big fresh can of soda pop.
Don Beaman: They do not care!
Terry Hoitz: Give me this. I know how to talk to him.
Terry Hoitz: Listen, we all know you're a scumbag and nobody cares about you. Rotten piece of...
Allen Gamble: [snatches it back] That's worse than what I was saying.
Allen Gamble: I'm not gonna lie to you, Don. People down here are starting to murmur that you don't have the balls to do it.
Don Beaman: I don't care!
Allen Gamble: Yeah. I say you can do it. I mean, I don't want you to jump, I'm saying you have the capability. Oh look, he's flying!
Terry Hoitz: They took my shoes again, man! What the hell is it with taking shoes?
Terry Hoitz: [Hoitz telling Gamble his duck joke] Little boy on his 13th birthday, it's time to get laid.
Allen Gamble: Already feels inappropriate.
Terry Hoitz: So he goes to the lady at the barn and says, "Miss, I know you usually want money, but I don't have any money. It's my birthday, do you think I could have sex with you for this duck?"
Allen Gamble: Was he a farmer? Because that's probably a health code violation to bring a duck into a place of prostitution.
Terry Hoitz: They weren't going to have sex with duck!
Allen Gamble: No, I just mean a health code violation to have the duck brought into a facility like that.
Terry Hoitz: So anyway, she says "Yes, I'll do it." So he goes in there and gives it to her.
Allen Gamble: He gives her what?
Terry Hoitz: The high hard one, and she loves it! So she goes, "If you do that again, I'll give you your duck back". So he gets laid twice for free!
Allen Gamble: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. So the duck is payment for sexual intercourse?
Terry Hoitz: Yes, he used it as payment and now he's getting paid back the duck. He says, "Oh my God this is the greatest birthday ever!" He does it again. Now he's walking home, right?...
Allen Gamble: So she was satisfied with the duck as currency?
[Nods his head]
Allen Gamble: Okay.
Terry Hoitz: So he's walking home, and can't wait to get home to tell his father. So he's walking down the street with the duck, and all of a sudden, 'Vroom!' A truck comes by and runs over his duck! Kills the duck!
Allen Gamble: Kills the duck? So the duck is now dead?
Terry Hoitz: The duck is dead! The kid starts crying, the truck driver stops, he's all upset, he didn't mean-.
Allen Gamble: [Interrupts] Of course he's crying, he's a 13 year old boy who just had sex twice and just watched his beloved duck die. So far I don't see how this is ever going to be funny.
Terry Hoitz: The guy feels so bad about killing the duck so he gives him two dollars.
Allen Gamble: And the kid's happy with the two bucks?
Terry Hoitz: He's ecstatic! He got laid twice and now he's got two dollars on top of it!
Allen Gamble: Seems like a duck would be worth a lot more than two dollars.
Terry Hoitz: Well this was awhile back. So he goes home and his dad says "What happened, what happened? Tell me, tell me!" He goes, "Dad, I got a fuck for the duck, I got a duck for the fuck, and I got two bucks for a fucked up duck!"
Allen Gamble: So it's like a limerick.
Terry Hoitz: You didn't think that was funny?
Allen Gamble: I thought it was entertaining at the end, sure. The way all the words were put together, but in terms of content? No.
Allen Gamble: [sighs] Get the check.
Allen Gamble: This meal is terrible... it tastes like roasted dog asshole. I asked myself, "Who would slow roast a dog's asshole and feed it to me?" You would.
Mama Ramos: Hello, Allen.
Allen Gamble: Hello Mama Ramos, what are you doing out here?
Mama Ramos: Sheila says she doesn't know what happened, but she wants you back.
Allen Gamble: Ohh...
Mama Ramos: She also says... she wants you on top of her... holding her hair and riding her like a bucking bronco while she... sucks your thumb and says, "Mommy likey."
Allen Gamble: You... you tell your daughter...
Mama Ramos: [In house] He said he'll always love you and he's so happy that you're having his child.
Dr. Sheila Gamble: Oh. Allen...
Mama Ramos: He also says... that he wants you to stare into each other's eyes without blinking while you do it...
Dr. Sheila Gamble: I love when we do that, Mom.
Mama Ramos: ...and then afterward... lick the sweat off each other. I don't want to do this. You say things that are too personal.
Dr. Sheila Gamble: OK, but just one more thing...
Mama Ramos: [Out on street] She says she loves you, and wants to hold your hand, and have iced tea with you.
Allen Gamble: Come on, that's not all she said.
Mama Ramos: No. She says other things. But I don't want...
Allen Gamble: Please, please, please. You don't realize, I may be killed tomorrow.
Mama Ramos: OK. She says she wants to unplug all the clocks... and the phones... and have a three-day sex marathon.
Allen Gamble: That's more like it, yeah.
Mama Ramos: She wants to walk wrong for a week... because you guys did it so hard.
Allen Gamble: That's just lovely.
Mama Ramos: [In house] No more! He says things I can't say! It involves a mannequin hand... and an electric shaver... taped to a golf club!
David Ershon: [being arrested by Hoitz and Gamble for the first time] Is this real? Am I being Punk'd?
Terry Hoitz: [Gamble hits Hoitz with his wooden pistol]
[Hoitz in pain]
Terry Hoitz: That hurt, man!
Allen Gamble: [to Sheila] I'm gonna do you, grandpa style!
Allen Gamble: This is all the evidence we have, and I, I truly hope you take this seriously.
Don Beaman: Yes! Very much so.
Allen Gamble: From everything I've heard, you guys are the best at these types of investigations... Outside of Enron... and AIG; and Bernie Madoff; WorldCom, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers...
Don Beaman: O-Okay. Thank you. Thank you, Detective.
Allen Gamble: I didn't need you to stick up for me, ok? I could've handled that myself.
Terry Hoitz: Hey, don't flatter yourself. It's the partners' code. I had no choice.
Allen Gamble: [both lie under the bed] First off, I missed you.
Terry Hoitz: What's going on?
Allen Gamble: Did you hear what I said?
Terry Hoitz: Fine, I kind of missed you too.
Allen Gamble: Thank you.
Allen Gamble: [points a gun at Terry] Get in the car.
Terry Hoitz: Come on, Allen, we both know it's wooden.
Allen Gamble: [fires at the lamp] Apartment pop! Now get in the car.
Terry Hoitz: You're not gonna shoot me.
Allen Gamble: Ok, I'll be honest. This is only the second time I've ever fired this.
Terry Hoitz: So stop pointing it at me!
Narrator: In New York City there's a fine line between law and chaos. On that line live Danson and Highsmith.
Allen Gamble: I think my line is being tapped. Do you remember where we did it on Halloween 3 years ago?
Dr. Sheila Gamble: Yeah.
Allen Gamble: Meet me there.
Captain Gene Mauch: Fellas, I'm sure you're, uh, familiar with the venerable D.A. Radford. He wanted to come out and pay us a visit.
D.A. Radford: Hello, gentlemen.
Allen Gamble: Hello, sir.
Terry Hoitz: Hey.
D.A. Radford: You know, I was talking to Gene here.
Allen Gamble: He prefers Captain.
D.A. Radford: [ignoring the correction] Yes, well, I was talking to Gene here, and you know, it's funny. I don't know what you two have been up to, but I've been getting calls from people I don't ever get calls from. In the 40 years I've been enforcing the law, I've learned one thing: When that happens, stop.
D.A. Radford: [to Mauch] Gene, how's the family?
Captain Gene Mauch: Good. Good, Louis. Thanks for asking. My son's bisexual.
D.A. Radford: Tremendous.
D.A. Radford: [to Gamble and Hoitz] Gentlemen, do we understand each other? Cut the crap!
Captain Gene Mauch: Will do.
Hal: What would you rather be, a bear or a dog?
Terry Hoitz: I don't care.
Hal: I would rather be a bear-dog, half bear, half dog. Because that way I would live in the house, but I still get to make a doodie in the woods!
Allen Gamble: I'm so tired of you getting angry, and yelling all the time, it's exhausting. I feel like I'm partners with the Hulk.
Terry Hoitz: You want to know why I'm so angry all the time? Because the more I try to do right the more I screw things up.
Ershon's Assistant: Mr Ershon? Detective Gamble and the officer who shot Derek Jeter are here to see you, sir.
Jimmy: Chinatown. Three triad gang members. I pop two of them off the draw - bang, bang! And I raise up to take the leader out...
Therapy Cop: Oh shit, I feel like I'm there now.
Jimmy: I hear a whistle. My partner's on the roof. He says, "Let's even the odds!" He tosses me down a Mossberg pump, I send one through his chest. Game over, bitches.
[the group applauds]
Therapist: Jimmy, let's talk about how that story made you feel.
Jimmy: Like my cock was made outta concrete.
Art Gallery Patron: Is this man bothering you?
Terry Hoitz: [to Francine] Are you actually having sex with this creep?
Francine: Terry, he's gay, okay? He's even wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm gay"!
Bob Littleford: Wife's makin her famous deviled eggs again, my waistline's furious.
Allen Gamble: [after explosion] I just want to go somewhere and breastfeed!
Allen Gamble: Hey, what are you doing here?
Terry Hoitz: I come here when I have lady troubles, which means I come here every night.
Captain Gene Mauch: Alright Allen, you're gonna have to hand over your gun.
Terry Hoitz: Captain, you really want to disarm this guy, take out the batteries in the calculator.
Press Conference Reporter: These suspects were caught with only a quarter-pound of marijuana, a misdemeanor in some states. Do you think this arrest was worth 12 million in property damages?
Captain Gene Mauch: In twenty years, that guy's never been down here before. What did you two do?
Terry Hoitz: [At Beaman's office where Beaman committed suicide, investigating the crime scene] Half empty bottle of Gin, chair knocked over. And look at this, it's a clear sign of a struggle. Make sure you get this, all right?
Captain Gene Mauch: [to Gamble & Hoitz] Detectives, all your work's done here. You can go.
Allen Gamble: What about Ershwon targeting the lottery?
Captain Gene Mauch: [shows pictures of Ershwon and a blond woman] You know why Ershwon was calling down to the lottery offices all those times. It's because he was hooking up with the Powerball girl, the one on TV with all the number balls. Yeah, she filed a restraining order on him last week. It was right there in front of you guys the whole time.
Allen Gamble: [shocked] It can't be.
Captain Gene Mauch: You guys are getting transfered.
Allen Gamble: What?
Captain Gene Mauch: [to Terry] Traffic. Yeah, that's right.
Captain Gene Mauch: You, you're gonna walk a beat downtown.
Allen Gamble: I...
Captain Gene Mauch: You're gonna walk a beat downtown! It's done!
[Gamble and Hoitz complains, but Mauch cuts them off]
Captain Gene Mauch: No. No, no. It's done. Save yourselves some gas.
Terry Hoitz: [yells] Captain!
Allen Gamble: Is there an appeal process we can...
Martin: Had to do what you had to do, Captain.
Martin: [laughs] Wow! That hurt.
Captain Gene Mauch: Look, there's guys on top coming down on me like a ton of bricks, and I got to save what little ass I have left, all right?
Captain Gene Mauch: You know Danson and Highsmith were not good cops, right?
Terry Hoitz: Yeah. But with the way things are now, who's left?
Captain Gene Mauch: Not to be too corny about it... maybe it's you guys.
Allen Gamble: [as Gamble and Hoitz leaves Beaman's office in shame and disgrace] Wow, Mauch was upset, huh?
Terry Hoitz: Really? The only thing I had to proud of in my life was being a detective. That's all I had. Now, it's gone.
Allen Gamble: I know. Well, you still got me.
Terry Hoitz: Don't you get it? I don't want you, Allen. I never did. I told you that scaffolding violation was dogshit.
Allen Gamble: I've can't believe you still doubt me after everything we've seen. It's a real case and I'm a real cop. We just got the wrong target for Ershwon.
Terry Hoitz: You carry a rape whistle.
Allen Gamble: This is real cop's work.
Terry Hoitz: There is nothing about you that makes a man a man, ok? You've got no gun, no car, no wife, and now you've got no partner. Leave me alone!
[Terry walks away from Allen in anger; "Season of the Witch", performed by Donovan, plays]
Narrator: A mutt case...
Allen Gamble: [insulted] Terry, I am a cop for your information, ok?
Narrator: ...a broken partnership...
Allen Gamble: [yells] I'm a cop!
Narrator: ...and getting busted down to a shitty assignment. Allen and Terry have hit the trifecta.