Kate Beckett: You dragged me in here so that you could read from your own book?
Richard Castle: Hey, there's a lot of good stuff in here and some of it is factual.
[They are talking about Castle's ex-wife, for whom his mother has nothing but scorn]
Richard Castle: Well, what do you want me to do, Mother? It's not like I could ban her from New York.
Martha Rogers: And this whole theater thing. It's ridiculous! You know, she hasn't landed a role in months. Uh-huh, that's right, I made a couple of calls. Why do you think she's moving back to New York? She can't get *arrested* in L.A.!
Richard Castle: I wonder if she could get arrested in New York. I know people now.
Kate Beckett: If she's so bad, then why did you sleep with her this morning?
Richard Castle: Let me tell you something about crazy people. The sex is unbelievable.
Kate Beckett: How shallow are you?
Richard Castle: Very.
Richard Castle: I had sex with my ex-wife this morning. My first ex-wife. Meredith. Alexis' mom. And she's thinking about moving back to New York. Do you know what that would mean to me? That would be a very special brand of hell. The hell of a deep-fried Twinkie.
NYPD Detective Kevin Ryan: [Castle after mentioning having sex with his ex-wife and comparing her moving back to New York to] A deep-fried Twinkie?
Richard Castle: Yeah, the guilty pleasure that you know is bad for you, so you only do it once, maybe twice a year for the novelty. But the deep-fried Twinkie everyday is...
[Beckett stops him from continuing]
Kate Beckett: Castle!
Kate Beckett: Castle!
Richard Castle: What?
Kate Beckett: Crime scene. Dead body. Little respect here.
Richard Castle: I don't think he can hear me.
Kate Beckett: Just show us the recordings from the past couple of days, okay?
Richard Castle: Blood sugar is low, she's a little cranky.
Kate Beckett: Zip it... kitten
[the detectives and Castle are looking at a corpse whose body was evidently prepared according to some ritual]
Richard Castle: It's Vodou.
Javier Esposito: Vodou? What is that? Some kind of Star Trek thing?
[He grins mockingly]
NYPD Detective Kevin Ryan: No, dude, it's a religion. Practiced primarily in West Africa.
[When the others look at him]
NYPD Detective Kevin Ryan: What? I read, too!
Richard Castle: The, uh, blood on the bone? Most likely animal. Part of the ceremony. The pouch is an offering to the spirits; but I don't recognize this symbol.
Javier Esposito: If you did, you'd be a suspect. So how do you know about all this?
Richard Castle: Research for my sixth Derek Storm novel.
NYPD Detective Kevin Ryan: Unholy Storm.
Richard Castle: Yes. Thank you. And, uh, Vodou's not just limited to West Africa. It's also practiced by Haitian and Dominican communities right here in New York.
[Kate and Castle are questioning a shop owner who has a large TV screen in his window and a videocam always running; it faces Oni's knock-off warehouse]
Oscar: What can I say? People like to see themselves on television. I mean, you would not believe the things people do in front of a camera.
Richard Castle: [maybe a little too fascinated] I'm listening.
Oscar: Like, this one chick? She's standing there, right in front of the store, and she starts to take off her, uh...
[he starts pulling his shirt up]
Kate Beckett: [bored with the interest in exhibitionism] Just show us the recordings from the past couple of days, okay?
Richard Castle: Her blood sugar gets low, she gets a little cranky.
Kate Beckett: Zip it, "kitten"!
Richard Castle: Look, can I call you back? I'm right in the middle of capturing a very dangerous Nigerian drug lord. It's kind of a thing.
[about Castle's first ex-wife]
Martha Rogers: Why did you marry her, anyway?
Richard Castle: [in mock wonder] I don't know, Mother. Maybe because she reminded me of you.
Meredith: [after Castle and his ex-wife have sex] We have had fun, haven't we?
Richard Castle: Oh, yeah.
Meredith: Makes you wonder why we ever got divorced.
Richard Castle: I know, right? I mean, except for you having an affair with your director and moving to Malibu and serving me with divorce papers, I think we really had a chance.
Meredith: I'm moving back.
Richard Castle: [Castle drops the fun and looks stunned] Back to New York?
Meredith: [She's bouncing with happiness] I miss it. I miss it, I miss Alexis, I miss you.
Richard Castle: [Unsuccessfully trying to hide an unhappy expression] Um. What about your career?
Meredith: Oh, L.A.'s changed. The juicy roles just aren't there for an actress of my caliber. I need a change. Like Broadway, maybe. The legitimate stage!
Richard Castle: Yeah, well, oh-oh-oh, wow, time out, hey. Wait a minute. For what? Have you really thought this through?
Meredith: [Grinning lasciviously] What's to think about? You, me, Alexis, all living in the same city? It's gonna be just like old times.
[She moves in to kiss him and, over her shoulder, the camera captures his look of horror]
Richard Castle: I had this dream once, only I was naked and far less embarrassed.
Kate Beckett: This ritual: I assume that it was done for a specific purpose?
Javier Esposito: That's only if you're assuming that the guy doing this was rational.
Richard Castle: No, no. She's right. It might not make sense to you or me, but, uh, if you find out why he did this? We might find your killer.
[Esposito and Ryan look at each other, nodding and grinning about the new guy telling them their jobs]
Javier Esposito: Yes. Kinda how we do it.
Richard Castle: This once, when Alexis was nine, Meredith dropped by to take her out to lunch.
Kate Beckett: So?
Richard Castle: In Paris.
[repeated line - throughout many episodes]
Kate Beckett: I don't have time for this.
Richard Castle: Michelle taught me everything I know about Vodou.
Michelle: Which, obviously, isn't much. That scene with the topless girl and the chicken blood? What was that?
[Kate looks away, trying not to laugh]
Richard Castle: I took a few liberties.
Michelle: You know, from the design, I'd say this isn't Haitian, Jamaican or Dominican. This is hard-core Nigerian.
Kate Beckett: What about this charm?
Michelle: The charm's an offering to a Vodou saint, a loa. In this case, it's Ogun. He's usually called upon to help find something that's been lost.
Richard Castle: So our killer's looking for something.
Michelle: Something the victim once possessed.
Kate Beckett: Maybe that's why he was tortured.
Richard Castle: [about his ex-wife] She's Auntie Mame on meth!
Richard Castle: There's a lawyer joke there somewhere; I just can't think of it.
Martha Rodgers: And does she honestly think she's just gonna show up with a reel of what? According to Jim guest spots?
NYPD Detective Kevin Ryan: Why would a guy mark his own stall with the death symbol?
Richard Castle: He wouldn't. This symbol was meant for him. Charles Oni's been marked for death.
Kate Beckett: Castle! Castle!
Richard Castle: I'm on TV.
Kate Beckett: Are you having a breakdown?
Richard Castle: Not a breakdown, a breakthrough. And I really am ruggedly handsome, aren't I?
Kate Beckett: I'm waiting for the breakthrough.
Kate Beckett: You okay, Castle?
Richard Castle: My first gun battle.
Kate Beckett: Your last gun battle.
Richard Castle: Don't be so pessimistic. I think I handled myself pretty well.
Kate Beckett: Yeah. Probably saved my life.
Richard Castle: Probably? I definitely saved you life. And you know what that means, don't you? It means you owe me.
Kate Beckett: Owe you what?
Richard Castle: Whatever I want. And you know exactly what I want, don't you? You know what I really, really want you to do.
[Whispers in Kate's ear]
Richard Castle: Never. Ever. Call me "kitten."