1. The Onion News Network: : -- Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

    Report: Most College Males Admit to Regularly Getting Stoked

  2. The Onion News Network: : -- 11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.

    Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

  3. The Onion News Network: : -- Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly

    Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

  4. The Onion News Network: : -- Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

    Ford Unveils New Car for Cash-Strapped Buyers: the 1993 Taurus

  5. The Onion News Network: : -- An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck.

    Victim in Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

  6. The Onion News Network: : -- People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster off the face of the earth.

    Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End to Clippers Game

  7. The Onion News Network: : -- Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.

    How to Find a Masculine Halloween Costume for Your Effeminate Son

  8. The Onion News Network: : -- In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'

    Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again by Sneezing During Meeting

  9. The Onion News Network: : -- Steam Room analysts debate whether the International Fencing Federation should reign in this rogue, or if De La Croix will narrowly escape yet again.

    Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated in Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist

  10. The Onion News Network: : -- Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.

    Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just for Woman He Follows

  11. The Onion News Network: : -- White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.

    Obama to Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire

  12. The Onion News Network: : -- Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving, considerate family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.

    Are the Obamas Out of Touch With the Average Miserable American Family?

  13. The Onion News Network: : -- On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson

    Crime Reporter Finds Way of Linking Warehouse Fire to Depraved Sex Act

  14. The Onion News Network: : -- 8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.

    Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

  15. The Onion News Network: : -- Congress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber.

    BREAKING NEWS: Bat Loose in Congress

  16. The Onion News Network: : -- As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families from old poverty roots.

    Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor

  17. The Onion News Network: : -- Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural centers

    U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan

  18. The Onion News Network: : -- Americans say attending a 9/11 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.

    Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate

  19. The Onion News Network: : -- Thanks to the NFL's Mentoring Program, the Lions got to spend a fun-filled day with the pros learning to catch, tackle.

    NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions

  20. The Onion News Network: : -- 'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your children.

    Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

  21. The Onion News Network: : -- In The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaur's sternum-stomping-by-hooves interrogation technique yielded valuable intelligence.

    Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

  22. The Onion News Network: : -- Government officials have not determined the source of the music or what it could portend, but they urge Americans to avoid deserted mansions, woods, and eerily quiet lake cabins.

    Sudden Ominous Music Heard Across U.S., Nation Panicking

  23. The Onion News Network: : -- Despite eyebrows raised by his .850 batting average and the Persian oil lamp he carries everywhere, 'Magic Lamp' emphatically denies ever using a genie.

    Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie Use

  24. The Onion News Network: : -- White House officials admit Obama's extreme confidence and total euphoria over "hope" and "change" were symptoms of a prolonged manic episode

    White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase

  25. The Onion News Network: : -- Women Deserve Better says PETA abuses defenseless, simple-minded women by forcing them to remove their clothes and participate in humiliating publicity stunts.

    Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women

  26. The Onion News Network: : -- Web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun.

    Google Opt-Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

  27. The Onion News Network: : -- Child safety expert and ex-pedophile Terry Parker drops in on the morning show to share some insider tips from his years spent as a sex offender!

    Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive

  28. The Onion News Network: : -- Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. economy.

    U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

  29. The Onion News Network: : -- Rep. Lynn Merriweather says bill will protect the millions of Americans who just want to appear as young as they feel on the inside, that's all.

    Congresswoman Says Botched Plastic Surgery Most Important Issue Facing U.S.

  30. The Onion News Network: : -- Boxing officials are hoping the once in a lifetime chance to see Holyfield try to take down thoroughbred Evening Dream will reignite interest in professional boxing.

    Evander Holyfield To Box Horse For Heavyweight Title