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"Everybody Hates Chris" Everybody Hates Bomb Threats (TV Episode 2009) Poster

Quotes

Narrator: The week before finals was the most pressure-packed time of the year. Kids reacted to the pressure in lots of different ways. Some kids took it out on themselves. Some kids took it out on others. When I got stressed out, only one thing ever worked for me: cracking jokes.

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Coach Thurman: [to Chris] You got a way with words which would be a good thing if this was you-got-a-way-with-word-ology!

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Coach Thurman: [to Chris] Do you know William Henry Harrison?

Chris: Yeah, wasn't he that guy who cleaned up that woman in "My Fair Lady"?

Coach Thurman: No, that was Rex Harrison.

Chris: Oh.

Coach Thurman: William Henry Harrison was the ninth President of the United States and he gave the longest inaugural address in history. And guess what?

Chris: What?

Coach Thurman: Since you like to talk so much, you are gonna memorize that speech!

Chris: But I have to study for finals.

Coach Thurman: Not if you don't get that speech memorized because if you don't, you're gonna get suspended! And then you won't be here to take final exams! You got a mama joke for that?

Narrator: If I tell it, I'll get suspended right now.

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Chris: [to the librarian] Don't we have a copy machine?

Librarian: We did, but it turned out to be a fake. It was a copy of a copy machine. The Xerox police confiscated it. If your hand starts to cramp up, use the other one.

Narrator: I was quite familiar with that principle.

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Tallulah Lafitte: [to Rochelle] You need to give me a refund.

Narrator: You need to put those fingers away.

Rochelle: Um, we don't give refunds. That's our policy. Didn't you read the sign?

Tallulah Lafitte: Then I need to speak to the manager.

Rochelle: She's just gonna tell you the same thing I just said.

Tallulah Lafitte: How do you know that?

Rochelle: Because she is me! So I'm sorry, but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours is not our fault.

Narrator: That's what the president of Hollywood said to Britney Spears.

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Drew: Do we have to drink this?

Tonya: You don't have to do anything but stay ugly and die.

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Chris: [about reciting his speech] This is too much pressure. If I had, like, one more day, maybe I'd have a shot at it.

Greg Wuliger: Well, I can't help you. I've run out of ideas. It's, like, you're cursed or something.

Chris: So what am I gonna do? This is a disaster.

Greg Wuliger: Dude, pull yourself together. Everything's gonna be all right.

Chris: Really?

Greg Wuliger: No. You're totally gonna fail the tenth grade. That reminds me of a funny story.

Chris: My life is hanging by a thread and you're gonna tell me a funny story?

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Narrator: In the '80s, making a bomb threat was nowhere near as easy as it is now.

Cop: [Scene cuts to Chris calling the police] Sir, unless the bomb is committing a crime, there's nothing we can do.

Fireman: [Scene cuts to Chris calling the fire department] Unless the bomb is up a tree and can't get down, there's nothing we can do.

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Rochelle: [to Julius] Honey, I've done everything I can and things just keep getting worse. They've had over four glasses of the remedy each and their temperature just keeps going up.

Narrator: Maybe that's because Clay-Dough is not the stuffy-nose, runny-eyes, scratchy-throat and knock-you-out-so-you-can-sleep medicine.

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Rochelle: There is no mojo, Julius. The children are sick. You refuse to give them real medicine.

Narrator: Just like the government.

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Mr. Omar: I'm sorry, if you got a mojo on you, I got to move the hell up out of here now.

Julius: What for?

Mr. Omar: 'Cause you got a mojo on you and I'm in this house, I got a mojo on me and if people keep surviving around here, y'all gonna run me out of business. So do what you need to do and let me know when it's done.

Narrator: That's what my wife says.

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Chris: Greg, I called in the bomb threat.

Greg Wuliger: What? Where would you get such a crazy idea?

Chris: From you. With that story about your cousin Benny.

Greg Wuliger: Oh. I may have exaggerated a bit.

Chris: What's wrong with you? Why would you make up a story like that?

Greg Wuliger: I have a penchant for hyperbole to aggrandize myself. I've been working it out with my shrink.

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Narrator: I didn't freak out like that again until Big Pun died.

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Coach Thurman: Chris, did you learn the speech?

Chris: No. Yeah.

Coach Thurman: No! Good. Now take a seat. And don't ever talk in my class again.

Narrator: Huh?

Chris: Huh? You don't want me to recite it?

Coach Thurman: Recite it? Did I say you had to recite it? No! I said for you to memorize it! Maybe if you spent more time listening and less time talking, you might have heard me correctly.

Chris: But I worked my butt off learning this speech.

Narrator: What are you doing, fool? Sit down!

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Coach Thurman: You know, it's interesting, isn't it? Sometimes to get people to do things, we have to threaten to do something, we really have no intention of doing.

Narrator: Later on, North Korea would follow the same advice and get billions of dollars in foreign aid.

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Rochelle: [to Vanessa] Um, you know Miss Tallulah?

Vanessa: Yeah. What about her?

Rochelle: Well, she was unhappy with her hair color, so she seemed pretty upset, so I just gave her a refund.

Vanessa: Refund? What'd you do that for? I have a strict no-refund policy, you know that.

Rochelle: Well, Vanessa, she put a hex on me. A mojo!

Vanessa: A mojo? You let that woman come in and scam you for $40 because she threatened you with a mojo? She's been doing that ever since she came in, 'Chelle. She's crazy! She's the reason I put the sign up there.

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Reporter: [on TV] I'm here at Bardini High with Captain Tyrone Williams of the Bomb Squad.

[to Captain Williams]

Reporter: Can you tell us what happened?

Captain Tyrone Williams: Well, apparently, there was a bomb inside the building and before we were able to defuse it, it blew up and destroyed the school.

Reporter: Okay. Can you tell us, does this have anything to do with the bomb threat earlier at Tattaglia?

Captain Tyrone Williams: Oh, absolutely. Because there was no bomb over there, we figured there was no bomb over here, so we ignored the call. Fortunately, it was after hours, so no students were destroyed in the blast. But whoever called in that Tattaglia threat, we're holding you personally responsible. Wherever you are, we will hunt you down and blow you up. And that's not a threat, that's a promise.

[Chris has a guilty look on his face]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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