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A Vampire's Tale (2009)
"Umbrage" (original title)

3.2
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Ratings: 3.2/10 from 353 users  
Reviews: 13 user | 23 critic

When a dysfunctional family moves into a remote farm terror emerges from the darkness in the form of a vampire cowboy hell bent on revenge.

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Title: A Vampire's Tale (2009)

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Cast

Credited cast:
...
Jacob
...
Rachel
...
Phelan
Natalia Celino ...
Lilith
...
Lauren
...
Stanley
Scott North ...
Travis (as Scott Thomas)
Yoram Halberstam ...
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
...
Special FX Voices
Jason Croot ...
Aj Williams ...
Sammaelson
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Storyline

In the Old West, the assassination of an ageing cowboy is thwarted by a sultry vampiress, the would-be killer left for dead in the dust. A hundred years later an ancient obsidian mirror, long unearthed from the Mesopotamian desert, is liberated from an American collector's vault and illegally transported to Europe. Jacob, an unscrupulous antiques dealer, moves to a remote farmhouse with his pregnant young wife, Lauren, and his difficult ward, Rachel. His goals are clear: to pass this near-priceless mirror to the highest bidder, and to prevent these two women from ripping each other apart. Nearby, a beautiful ornithologist, in nocturnal pursuit of the Screech Owl, is disturbed in her hide by a couple of noisy hikers. Her efforts ruined, she joins them by their campfire, but when one of them is mysteriously mutilated in the woods, she and the other are forced to flee and seek refuge at Jacob's farm. Something has been unleashed into the dark of that night.... Shadows take on a life of ... Written by Anonymous

Plot Summary | Add Synopsis

Taglines:

Darkness is your only friend

Genres:

Horror | Western

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for bloody violence, sexual content, nudity, language and some drug use | See all certifications »

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Details

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Release Date:

17 October 2011 (UK)  »

Also Known As:

A Vampire's Tale  »

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Box Office

Budget:

£75,000 (estimated)
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User Reviews

what the f..
23 October 2011 | by (Sweden) – See all my reviews

I wouldn't rate a film awful, except for "The Room" I guess, but in this case, it's very close.

It's got a good camera, it's got a setting, it's got all that is essential for putting up a good perspective on aesthetic film-making, the rest is just so.. choppy, so restless.. just so childish, as in so incredibly poorly written, with plenty good ideas, but with such a stereotypical clichéd approach it's almost embarrassing to watch.

Now, okay, to be fair, for such a low-budget project, it has most that cinemas nowadays are filled with, but this film just doesn't build any suspense at all, it's practically a dream project without goal, without purpose, just a cliché story with no impression left on me at all.

If I'd sum up the story, I'd say: "Dramatic intro, cowboy, horse, bla bla bla, pregnant woman, older man, Gothic depressed stereotypical chick bla bla bla, new house, bla bla bla, cool cowboy shot bla bla bla, irrelevant drunk people out in the woods giving you the impression they might have big rolls in the movie but they don't, bla bla bla, a woman comes out, probably vampire, bla bla bla, cool cowboy shot, bla bla bla, argument during dinner, bla bla bla, cowboy shot, Gothic chick being Gothic, bla bla bla, some black mirror, bla bla bla, more cowboy shots, stupid murder scene with penis being chewed off, bla bla bla, get to the house, save the pregnant woman ,unexplained pain all over the place, get to the car, save the pregnant woman, get back from the car, save the pregnant woman, some wounds, get back to the car, pregnant woman dead, bla bla bla, cowboy back story, Lilith, bla bla bla, vampires, padding padding padding, bla bla bla, Lilith cowboy fight, lousy, bla bla bla, and the rest bla bla bla, end with Gothic chick and cowboy walking away like vampires, bla bla bla bla bla."

There are so many things that's just.. it doesn't deliver anything, it just stands there looking cool, sometimes not really, but all in all JUST standing there. And when it starts explaining things the reaction is pretty much: "Oh.. really? You took that all so unoriginal approach? woppidoo..."

The best thing I can say, it's a movie, but apart from all other vampire stories, this one is way beneath expectations. And now, comparing it to twilight, I'd say the twilight saga has it's own unique Ideas, many of them pretty stupid, but it has a script with music, reflecting, and at least some emotional attachment although it's very teenage all the time. This film gives me absolutely nothing, except for ideas on how it could be better, but only so few parts of it.

It's silly, cliché, goofy, and all so made before, and with all new ideas nothing that makes it stick out or updates, it's just a random picking of old clips in how to make horror and vampire.

If you're in for a really silly splatter kind of 80:s film, even this one would stand below stupid abhorrent comedy action. Comparing it to cheesy films like Conan, Mad Max, Water world, e.t.c this one is very new despite it's withered appearance, yet it still doesn't give you that cheesy atmosphere, torn between trying to be serious, and just flat out obnoxious.

I was just sitting there wishing Doug Bradley would come out as Pinhead and rip them to pieces with chains like a true hellraiser gore fest, but no, I had to sit through a 1 hour long film, just wasting my time on cowboy posing, and poor acting, with a Gothic chick supposed to be 18 but actually with later research found out to be like 30, this is just dumb, beyond compare, and yes, I have seen worse, but this one, no, it adds no spirit whatsoever, so if you ever search for "Vampire" looking for either a cheesy or good movie, just pick Interview with the vampire, Underworld or Dusk til Dawn.


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