In my current survey of PT's career, I've made a few pleasant discoveries alongside the wealth of forgotten clunkers. "Car Wash" falls deeply into the latter category, likely the crummiest Vivid Video I've ever seen.
Ostensibly an homage to those delightful and well-remembered jail-bait movies of the '70s and '80s, of which PT as an actor was occasionally involved (see Little Darlin's or any Lysa Thatcher opus for example), what emerges is an ill-conceived, retarded feature not suitable for release. The DVD fine print gives a production date (when picture was completed) as July 21, 2005, which could be in error or indicates the junker was shelved for 3 years before finally hitting the video store shelves.
Script credited not to a usual (and talented) PT collaborator but rather "R. Eye" is atrocious. Show begins with four blonde cheerleaders chanting an off-color refrain, and representing a not-so impressive cast (with Stefani Morgan the lead, a Vivid contract girl working out her indentured service to the label). Later on a superstar of the moment Lanny Barby pops up in two separate roles, just to confuse me, and probably out of convenience. She ain't pulling no Peter Sellers or Alec Guinness versatility routine I can tell you. And she's the only brunette in sight.
Show is insulting from start to finish, probably because PT could not get away with the content of 30 years before, as child porn laws have changed since then. He's made sequels to the all-time hit Debbie Does Dallas, so he knows the terrain.
After dated but requisite nude in the locker room and shower girlie action, our Fab Five gets a letter indicating they finished sixth in the cheer leading trials, so they won't be invited to the nationals. Wny not sabotage one of the other teams to get in? PT & "R.I." not only embrace this lame and trite premise but push it to the limit: I checked off "Spoiler" for this review in order to inform that they not only hire a hit man to off one of the hapless squads, but celebrate their success in murder for advancement to constitute a "happy ending".
Hit man is Steven St. Croix, wearing scuba gear in a swimming pool and notching a credit on his career c.v. where credit isn't due. His fee is $5,000 PLUS one of the lasses letting him cum on her hair. This is a reference to another joke in the stupid script that attempts to capitalize on the classic gag in "There's Something About Mary" but PT bungles that attempt at humor completely.
After one of the girls gets St. Croix to ejaculate he oddly doesn't go for the hair but rather on her breasts -not a memory lapse but merely absence of respect for any detail within the 79 minutes presented here -this is the "who cares?" school of cinema.
Title car wash is a brief sequence to raise some money to pay St. Croix. It's an excuse for Barby to hump Nick Manning in the back seat of a limo (in a 3-some with one of the heroines) and let him recite his then trademark stupid tag line about "dropping loads!". Nick's thousand-dollar tip helps them toward the 5 thou.
Stefani's horny brother gets to hump a couple of the girls. and a stupid slumber party kills time. Lesbian sex is thrown in and just when the show is headed nowhere, Stefani follows bro's lead and decides to enter a poker game to raise the rest of the moolah.
Barby's back as one of the poker players, fitted out with a French accent and we aren't supposed to remember that she filled in with Nick earlier in the program. PT shows zero interest in the poker game -no suspense or detail, and it's only an excuse for an orgy at the end. I'm sure PT remembers CT -Carlos Tobalina, for whom we worked back in the '70s and who set the standard for boring porn filler - in particular incessant orgies, but here the great man is falling into the same bad and lazy habits.
Stefani, big-breasted Katie Morgan (way out of place among the other cheerleaders) and Barby are all wasted. Any of the hundreds of '80s videos starring the likes of Candie Evans, Stacey Donovan and Bunny Bleu are vastly superior to this junker, and PT knows it.
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