Joey Duchamp: [getting run over by a second train immediately after a first] What an odd, clustered train schedule!
[after the second commercial break]
Peter Griffin: Everybody still awake? Alright, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story where the guy went up to the empty hotel and there were those creepy twins and the guy was running around with that ax and the kid talked to his finger? Ah ha, can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's "The Shawshank Redemption".
Joe Swanson: Mr. Sheldon?
Brian Sheldon: Oh, my God, I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back.
[Two shotgun blasts are heard and Joe's legs are blown off. Joe screams in agony]
Joe Swanson: AHH! My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair!
[Stewie enters the house and points the shotgun at Joe]
Stewie Wilkes: No, you're not.
[He shoots Joe and blood splatters all over his face]
Petey Lachance: Cleve, it's 1955. Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion.
Warden Norton: You Andy Dufresne?
Andy Dufresne: A little bit, you? He he he, I'm just tweaking your bum. What can I do for you?
Warden Norton: I understand you make Star Wars figurines. Aw, Grievous! Wicked! Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy, so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash. What do you say?
Andy Dufresne: I don't know...
Warden Norton: Oh, come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower.
Andy Dufresne: But I like that guy.
Peter Griffin: Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books. So I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King. And tonight, I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called "Stand By Me", about four young boys who went looking for a dead body, and instead found... themselves... and also a dead body.
[after the first commercial break]
Peter Griffin: Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trooper. And you passed our test. And you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's "Misery".
Brian Sheldon: You fondled me while I was asleep?
Stewie Wilkes: Yeah.
Brian Sheldon: I don't think I like that.
Stewie Wilkes: Well, it's done.
[the boys just found the body and while observing, Ace appears]
Ace: Out of my way you little pip-squeaks. I'm taking credit for finding this body.
Richard Dreyfuss: [Narration] It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man, and for some reason, Norm from Cheers.
Norm Peterson: Hey gang. What, are we beating somebody up?
Ace: Now get lost. We'll take it from here.
[Ace walks over to Quag Chambers and holds up a knife to his neck. Petey Lachance retaliates by firing a warning shot, then points gun at Ace]
Petey Lachance: Kiss my grits, you cheap dime-store hood.
Ace: This ain't over, Lachance. I mean, you have a gun right now but tomorrow I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you.
Petey Lachance: Oh, yeah, I guess you could do that, huh? I mean, we live in the same town, and I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life. Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.
Peter Griffin: Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.
Chris Quagmire: Ha ha! Beat those cards, fellas! Ha ha ha! Giggety-giggety-fifties-giggety!