Despicable Me (2010)
Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI. Your dog has been leaving little bombs in my yard, and I do not appreciate it.
Fred McDade: Oh you know dogs... they go where they want to go.
Gru: Unless they're dead.
Gru: I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one.
Agnes: Will you read us a bedtime story?
Agnes: Pretty please?
Gru: The physical appearance of the please makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep.
Agnes: Oh, my gosh look at that fluffy unicorn!
[Agnes looks at the unicorn with awe]
Agnes: He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die!
Edith: Hey, that one looks like me.
Gru: What are you talking about? These are kittens! Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental.
Young Gru: Mom, someday, I'm going to go to the moon.
Gru's Mom: I'm afraid you're too late, son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys anymore.
Agnes: Why are you wearing your pajamas?
Vector: [sputters] These aren't pajamas! It's a warm-up suit.
Edith: What are you warming up for?
Margo: What sort of stuff?
Vector: Super-cool stuff you wouldn't understand.
Agnes: Like sleeping?
Vector: THEY ARE NOT PAJAMAS!
Gru: We stole the Statue of Liberty...!
[the minions cheer]
Gru: ...the small one, from Las Vegas!
[the cheers stop]
Gru: I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower... also Vegas.
Gru: [reading the book he wrote] One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Then three little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down. They made him laugh, they made him cry. He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he can never part from those three little kittens that changed his heart.
Margo: Hello? Cookies for sale!
Gru: Go away, I'm not home!
Margo: Uh, yes, you are. I heard you.
Gru: No, you didn't. This... is a recording.
Margo: [scoffs] No, it isn't.
Gru: Yes, it is. Watch this. Leave a message. Beep!
[Edith kicks the door, causing Gru to scream in pain]
Agnes: Goodbye, recorded message.
Margo: [off-screen] Agnes, come on!
Dr. Nefario: And here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered.
[shoots a minion with the fart gun, making him pass out]
Gru: No, no, no. I said DART gun, not...
Dr. Nefario: Oh yes. Cause I was wondering... under what circumstances would we use this?
Gru: Uh, question. What are these?
Dr. Nefario: A dozen boogie robots. Boogie! Look at this! Watch me.
Gru: Cookie robots! I said cookie robots! Ah, why... why are you so... old?
Gru: Kyle. These are not treats. These are guests!
[to the girls]
Gru: Girls, this is Kyle, my... dog.
Agnes: Ooh, fluffy doggie!
[runs toward Kyle, who whines and runs away; griefs in disappointment]
Margo: What kind of dog is that?
Agnes: He's a... I don't know.
Dr. Nefario: We have to warn him, and FAST!
[starts driving on his moped very slowly]
Gru: [Explaining why the girls can't find their book "Three Little Kittens"] That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously...
Agnes: Aw. My caterpillar never turned into a butterfly.
Edith: That's a Cheeto.
Vector: I'm applying for a villain loan. I go by the name of Vector. It's a mathematical term, represented by an arrow with both direction and magnitude. Vector! That's me, because I commit crimes with both direction and magnituide. Oh yeah!
Gru: We have located a shrink ray in a secret lab. And once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the TRUE crime of the century!
[in a sinister tone]
Gru: We... are going to steal...
[the minions pull out their weapons]
Gru: Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet.
[a rocket launcher is fired and hits one of the minions]
Gru: Hey. Dave, listen up, please!
[the hit minion walks over to Dave and punches him]
Gru: [gets on the platform as it rises up to the roof] Next, we are going to steal... pause for effect...
[the platform stops so that Gru is silhouetted against the moon]
Gru: ...THE MOON!
Gru: And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back, and I will be the greatest villain of all time! That's what I'M talking 'bout!
Edith: When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this would be more like Annie.
Gru: [reading book] "Three little kittens love to play. They had fun in the sun all day. Then their mother came out and said, 'Time for kittens to go to bed'."
Gru: Wow, this is garbage. You actually like this?
Agnes: [singing] Unicorns, I love them. Unicorns, I love them. Uni uni unicorns, I love them. Uni unicorns, I could pet one if they were really real. And they are! So I bought one so I could pet it. Now it loves me, now I love it. La lala la la...
Young Gru: Look, Mom, I drew a picture of me landing on the moon.
Gru's Mom: Eh.
Young Gru: Look, Mom, I made a prototype of a rocket out of macaroni.
Gru's Mom: Eh.
Young Gru: Look, Mom, I built a real rocket based on the macaroni prototype.
Gru's Mom: [holds her breath in amazement for a moment] ... Eh.
Edith: Are these beds made out of bombs?
Gru: Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up. But try not to toss and turn.
Gru: I went to kindergarten, I know how the alphabet works
Gru: Okay, bedtime.
[the girls groan in disappointment, followed by the minions]
Gru: [points to Stuart and Jerry, the minions] Not you two.
[Jerry and Stuart cheer]
Gru: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that? She hit that. I saw that with my own eyes.
Carnival Barker: Well, you see that little spaceship there? You see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, Professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! Aw. Uh-oh! Somebody's got a frowny face! Ooh. Better luck next time.
Gru: Okay, my turn.
[Gru takes out a plasma gun and fires it, destroying the stand and disintegrating the spaceship]
Gru: Knocked over!
Gru: [Sees Edith near his iron maiden] No, no! Stay away from there! It's fragile!
[the iron maiden closes with Edith inside; a red liquid leaks from underneath; Margo and Agnes gasp]
Gru: Well, I suppose the plan will work with two.
Edith: [Inside the iron maiden] Hey! It's dark in here!
[Gru opens iron maiden; Edith is unharmed, but her juice box is punctured]
Edith: [Spits out a straw] It poked a hole in my juice box.
Vector: [after shrinking toilet] Look at you, a little tiny toilet, for little tiny people to...
[toilet breaks, spraying water on Vector]
Vector: Ah! Curse you, tiny toilet!
Gru: It's like my heart is a tooth, and it's got a cavity that can only be filled with children.
Gru: Clearly we need to set some rules. Rule number one: You will not touch ANYTHING.
Margo: Aha. What about the floor?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor.
Margo: What about the air?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the air.
Edith: What about this?
[holds a ray gun in her hands, the laser sight aimed right at Gru]
Gru: [screams, holding a frying pan for protection] Where did you get that?
Edith: [shrugs] Found it.
[Gru takes it away from her]
Gru: Okay, rule number two: You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?
Agnes: Does this count as annoying?
[lets go of Margo's hand and puckers her cheeks]
Gru: [stops Agnes] Very!
Gru: I'll see you in six hours.
[leaves the kitchen]
Margo: Okay, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. We're gonna be really happy here. Right?
[turns her back]
Agnes: [eating] Mmm?
Gru: [to Miss Hattie] You are a beautiful woman. Do you speak Spanish?
Miss Hattie: Do I look like I speak Spanish?
Gru: You have a face... Como un burro.
Miss Hattie: Oh! Well, thank you!
Miss Hattie: I'm here for the girls. I recieved a call that you wanted to return them. And also, I did purchase a Spanish dictionary.
[Hits Gru with dictionary]
Miss Hattie: I didn't like what you said.
Gru: [to the girls] Did you brush your teeth? Let me smell. Let me smell.
[Takes a whiff]
Gru: You did *not*!
Gru: [Answers cell phone] Hello, Mom. Sorry, I meant to call, but...
Gru's Mom: I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid.
Gru's Mom: That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who's actually successful?
Gru: Just so know, Mom. I'm about to do something. It's very very big. Very important, when you hear about it, you're going to be very proud.
Gru's Mom: [Sarcastically laughs] Good luck with that. Okay, I'm outta here!
Dr. Nefario: [a minion drinks from a bottle, starts floating] We've been working on this for a while now. It's an Anti-gravity serum.
[the minion floats out an open skylight]
Dr. Nefario: I meant to close that. He'll be alright, I'm sure.
Gru: Do the effects wear off?
Dr. Nefario: [looking up at some minions floating on the roof] Uh... so far, no. No, they don't.
Margo: Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust?
Gru: I'll stuff you all in the crust!
Agnes: You're funny!
Gru: Just don't come out of that room again!
Mr. Perkins: Do you know where the shrink ray is?
Vector: Duh? Back at my place.
Mr. Perkins: Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just have one that LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE IT!
[shows vector the computer shot of Gru with the shrink ray and the girls]
Vector: Oh. What? Th-those girls sold me cookies.
Gru: This is literature? A two year old could have written this!
[Gru is showing Mr. Perkins his plans, using pictures on an easel]
Gru: I fly to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on the toi-let what?
[sees a child's drawing in his plans, of himself sitting on a toilet, signed by Edith, the girls laugh off-screen]
Gru: Sorry. Sorry! Could you, uh, excuse me for just one second?
Mr. Perkins: You don't have it? And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money?
Vector: When I'm done with Gru, he's gonna be begging for mercy!
Gru: [after giving Vector the moon] Now the girls.
Vector: Actually, I'm holding on to them a little longer.
Vector: Oh yeah! Unpredictable!