Gunnar Jensen: [about to fight Ying Yang] What do you wear, size 3? Bring it, happy feet.
Barney Ross: [from trailer]
[in the middle of a mexican standoff, a faint buzzing sound can be heard]
Barney Ross: What's that?
Lee Christmas: I'm getting a text.
Barney Ross: Excuse me?
Trench: Oh, like I said. I'm busy anyway, so give this job to my friend here. He loves playing in the jungle. Right?
Barney Ross: [sarcastically] Right.
Mr. Church: [Uncertain] That's right.
Trench: [to Barney] Hey, why don't we have dinner?
Barney Ross: Sure. When?
Trench: In a thousand years?
Barney Ross: Too soon.
[Trench walks off]
Mr. Church: [Confused; about Trench] What's his fucking problem?
Barney Ross: He wants to be president.
Mr. Church: Only thing you need to know is the job's real, and the money's real.
Barney Ross: I got a feeling everyone else passed on this job, so our fee is $5 mil.
Mr. Church: $5 mil?
Barney Ross: And I want half upfront, and the other half in an offshore account. You got a problem with that?
Mr. Church: No. What I have a problem with is people who try to fuck me over. So if you take this money and you don't deliver, or you try to fuck me in some kind of weird cockamamie scheme of yours, me and my people are gonna come get you and your people and chop you up into little fucking dog treats. You got a problem with that?
Barney Ross: Let's talk.
Lee Christmas: You know it's not easy being your friend.
Lee Christmas: Ten seconds you won't believe what's gonna happen.
Tool: I promised myself, I'm gonna die for something that counts.
Barney Ross: We are the shadows and the smoke, we rise. We are the ghosts that hide in the night.
Hale Caesar: Great, they got a small army. What have we got?
[looks at Yin Yang]
Hale Caesar: Four and a half men.
[Everyone but Yin Yang laughs]
Yin Yang: Not so funny.
Lee Christmas: What's he saying?
Hale Caesar: He said we're dead with an accent.
Barney Ross: We ain't dead.
Barney Ross: What the hell's he doing?
Lee Christmas: Hanging a pirate.
Barney Ross: Don't be ridiculous. Gunner! What are you doing?
Gunnar Jensen: Hanging a pirate!
Toll Road: That's seriously demented.
Yin Yang: This is no good.
Hale Caesar: Not that you'd feel it, but put one in Speed Racer's shoulder.
Gunnar Jensen: Warning shot!
Barney Ross: No!
Gunnar Jensen: [Fires his M79 Grenade Launcher at the pirate and blows him in half] Little low.
[after crushing a man's head under his foot]
Gunnar Jensen: Insect!
Barney Ross: You look nervous.
Yin Yang: [after getting cornered by Garza's men; referring to Barney's ring] Your lucky ring stinks.
Lee Christmas: [after beating up Lacy's abusive boyfriend and his friends on a basketball court; and after deflating a basketball with a knife on his chest] Next time, I'll deflate all your balls, friend.
Sandra: What are your names?
Lee Christmas: [points to himself] Buda...
Lee Christmas: [points to Barney] ... Pest
Sandra: Follow me, please.
Barney Ross: [slowly turns to Lee; deadpan] Buda and Pest? Nice.
Gunnar Jensen: [Barney has just shot Gunnar after nearly killing Yang] You shot me.
Barney Ross: You were gonna kill him.
Gunnar Jensen: I was only trying to scare him.
Barney Ross: Don't put that on me, you never really liked him.
Gunnar Jensen: [Gasping] Hey, am I dying?
Barney Ross: Shot three inches above the heart.
Gunnar Jensen: [Groans] I'll take that as a yes.
Hale Caesar: [Yang is all shaken up from his fight with Gunnar] What happened to you?
Yin Yang: It's too sad to talk about.
Yin Yang: I need a raise.
Barney Ross: Say what?
Yin Yang: I want it for my son.
Lee Christmas: Since when did Yin Yang get a family?
Yin Yang: [Deadpan] You don't ask, I don't tell.
Gunnar Jensen: [Threatening The Brit] If you don't want that Fu Manchu knocked back into the 60's, you'd better keep your gum-chewing trap shut and show some respect!
Gunnar Jensen: Hey, nice bird!
Yin Yang: It's difficult.
Barney Ross: What?
Yin Yang: My life is difficult. I need more money.
Barney Ross: Why that?
Yin Yang: I work harder than the rest.
Barney Ross: No, you don't.
Yin Yang: Yes, I do! Everything is harder for me. When I'm hurt, wound is bigger, 'cause I'm smaller. When I travel I need to go farther.
Barney Ross: I know, because you're smaller, right?
Yin Yang: Yes.
Yin Yang: I need more money.
Barney Ross: I know, you told me.
Barney Ross: [In the middle of a car chase] Get out there!
Yin Yang: Why me?
Barney Ross: Because you're smaller!
Hale Caesar: [after taking out a number of soldiers while his team is behind cover] Remember this shit at Christmas!
Barney Ross: [Hale Caesar has just emptied a full drum magazine of his AA-12 shotgun; to Caesar] Damn, that thing's loud!
James Munroe: How did two obvious professionals pass right through security personnel, kill 41 soldiers and get away? With help, that's how. Everything's under control, except one detail, a daughter who wants her father and company dead and gone. Bad Shakespeare. Somehow the company parasites got to her. Look, she's your daughter, and that's tragic. But blood or not, she's goes. Call it the price of doing business.
General Garza: You don't kill your familia.
James Munroe: Come around my house during the holidays, pal.
Hale Caesar: [holding his AA-12 shotgun] You know, the enemy's always been terrified of noise, especially shotguns. With this big boy spitting out 250 rounds a minute, you tell me who's tolerating that. Absolutely zero.
Hale Caesar: [Discussing his weapon with Toll Road] You know what? I trust you. I want you to meet my girlfriend.
[Pulls out an improvised shotgun shell]
Hale Caesar: Omya Kaboom.
[shows Toll Road a miniature warhead]
Hale Caesar: When Omya's prime is struck, she gets off a miniature warhead that arms itself. And when that happens, anything that gets in my lady's way becomes instant red sauce and Jell-O. And if that doesn't work...
[leans over and pulls out a straight razor]
Hale Caesar: ...her sister will.
James Munroe: And being wealthy is very good. It allows people to be the real asswipes nature intended them to be.
Pirate leader: I'll kill them all! I don't care.
Hale Caesar: There are more fools in this world than people. So back off, cuz.
Pirate leader: You back off! Huh?
Hale Caesar: You know, you're gonna be dead anyway. So I'm gonna shut up.
Barney Ross: Gunner, last chance. Let him go or we're letting you go.
Gunnar Jensen: It's good to hang pirates. Old Viking custom.
Barney Ross: It isn't an old Viking custom at all.
Tool: [to Lee] I got a great idea. Why don't you let me doodle, like, a Charlotte's web on your head? On the top of your head. You know, something different, something exciting. 'Cause you got one of them perfectly shaped domed, muscular heads. I could put a web on the top of the head. Maybe a pregnant Charlotte coming out of your ear, peeking around, making sure them bugs don't come inside. Her long legs dangling down your neck. Yeah. Sexy, right?
Barney Ross: Very sexy. He looks thrilled.
Barney Ross: Come on. Why don't you man up? Jesus! She wasn't your type.
Lee Christmas: Why don't you keep saying "She wasn't my type?" So I could put a bullet in your bleak brain! Look who I'm taking to. Dracula's life coach. No wonder you're alone.
James Munroe: First of all, I don't feel comfortable talking business with a giant carrying a shotgun.
The Brit: Pretty boy wouldn't give it up.
Gunnar Jensen: Not if you wanna know where they are.
James Munroe: What do you know?
Gunnar Jensen: I used to be one of them.
James Munroe: Why are you turning on them?
Gunnar Jensen: Lover's quarrel.
James Munroe: We settle on 50.
Gunnar Jensen: No, math whiz. We settle on 100 grand upfront, in my pocket.
Paine: The guy thinks he's a real badass.
Gunnar Jensen: Actually, I'm a horror show.
The Brit: This geezer's a bloody joke.
Gunnar Jensen: Life's a joke, gum-chew.
Gunnar Jensen: Bury me right. And I want a Viking funeral.
Barney Ross: You mean where they put you in a boat and set you on fire, Viking?
Gunnar Jensen: That's right!
Barney Ross: You're night a Viking.
Lee Christmas: I'm gonna do you a favor, Tool. "I once knew a man called Tool/To me, was the epitome of cool/He was good with a knife/Bad with a wife/But to think he could beat me/Dreaming he'd defeat me/Cool Tool/You gotta be a fool."
James Munroe: [Holding Sandra hostage] The agency parasites hired you, didn't they? I'd have paid you twice as much to go fishing! You'd have to think I'm pretty freaking stupid to surrender to the agency! Why would I do that? I created this! I made it all happen and they wanted me out! Why? Because I saw the big picture!
[Ross approaches him]
James Munroe: Stop walking!
[Holds the gun to Sandra's head. Ross stops]
James Munroe: And what about me and you? We're both the same! We're both mercenaries! We're both dead inside! So why the hell did you come after me?
Barney Ross: I didn't come after you, dipshit! I came for her!
[Sandra escapes from Munroe. Ross shoots Munroe as Christmas throws Gunnar Jensen's knife straight through Munroe's chest, killing him]