Rachael: Why am I the bad guy?
Kyle: Because you're his girlfriend, you cheated on him, and he has fucking cancer, you lunatic!
Adam: A tumor?
Dr. Ross: Yes.
Dr. Ross: Yes.
Adam: That doesn't make any sense though. I mean... I don't smoke, I don't drink... I recycle...
Kyle: You could have totally fucked the shit out of that girl.
Adam: No one wants to fuck me. I look like Voldemort.
Kyle: She doesn't blow you?
Adam: ...She doesn't like to.
Kyle: Of course she doesn't like to. No one likes putting a dick in their mouth.
Adam: What were you doing when I called? Were you on facebook?
Katherine: You know... umm... stalking my ex-boyfriend actually isn't the only thing I do in my free time.
Adam: I wish you were my girlfriend.
Katherine: Girlfriends can be nice. You just had a bad one.
Adam: I bet you'd be a good one.
Adam: See, but... that's bullshit. That's what everyone has been telling me since the beginning. "Oh, you're gonna be okay," and "Oh, everything's fine," and like, it's not... It makes it worse... that no one will just come out and say it. Like, "hey man, you're gonna die."
Adam: Why didn't we go to a barber?
Kyle: That would have been a good idea if we paid someone to do it.
Adam: Using your fucking balls trimmer instead of going to the barber.
Kyle: I never washed them, ever. It's not my balls, it's my asshole. I'm joking.
Adam: You're not joking.
Kyle: I was in the neighborhood - I was just on a date with Claire, the girl I met at the bookstore? My date did not go well, unfortunately, due to a lack of chemistry... and, I think, an overuse of profanity on my part. But, whilst on my date... I ran into Rachael.
Adam: Oh, yeah?
Kyle: And I would like to present to you what I am going to call Exhibit...
[Shows Adam a picture of Rachael kissing another man]
Kyle: *Whore*! Look at it! That's Rachael! And that's a fuckin' filthy, Jesus-looking motherfucker, and they're kissing! I did it! I fuckin' nailed you! I've hated you for months, and now I have fuckin' evidence that you suck as a person! Holy shit! Holy shit!
Adam: You should go.
Rachael: [Kissing him] I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you.
Adam: No, seriously... you need to get the fuck off my porch.
Rachael: [Rachael has got Adam a dog, but he does not want it] "Ok, forget it i can just bring him back to the shelter in the morning."
Adam: Well then what happens to him.
Rachael: He'll be put back in his tiny cage with ten other dogs who will bully and rape him until he's eventually euthanized.
[the dog looks up appealingly]
Adam: That's what everybody's been saying: You'll feel better and don't worry and this is all fine and it's not.
Katherine: You can't change your situation. The only thing that you can change is how you choose to deal with it.
Adam: Aren't you supposed to be wearing an earth-toned sweater and be like 65 or somethin?
Adam: I see. So, have you had very many patients? Or...
Katherine: My patient history is not...
Adam: I'm your first patient, aren't I?
Katherine: No. No, not at all.
Katherine: [laughs] No.
Adam: [Katherine rubs her hands together] Wow, okay, third. How are the first two doing?
Adam: [When Katherine comes to see Adam after his surgery] I'm peeing right now.