Father Sibeal MacManus: We just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.
Eunice: There you go again saying "we" again. Who is "we"?
Paul Smecker: [offscreen] You ready to go?
Paul Smecker: I hear they party pretty hard in that monastery.
[Another long pause as Eunice approaches and looks to see if it's really him]
Paul Smecker: I'm not sure I'm in love with that new look you're sporting, Betty Boop.
Eunice: I went to your funeral you son of a bitch!
Paul Smecker: I know. Loved your shoes. The skirt was a tad risque for a funeral. But then again, who am I to question one's sense of *individuality*.
Rocco: There's two kinds of people in this world when you boil it all down. You got your talkers and you got your doers. Most people are just talkers, all they do is talk. But when it is all said and done, it's the doers that change this world. And when they do that, they change us, and that's why we never forget them. So which one are you? Do you just talk about it, or do you stand up and do something about it? Because believe you me, all the rest of it is just coffee house and bullshit.
Murphy MacManus: You know, he was sort of a badass though, wasn't he?
Connor MacManus: Shades of Eastwood. Charlie Bronson.
Rocco: Duke Fucking Wayne!
Rocco: Men build things, then we die. It's in our fucking DNA! THAT'S WHAT WE DO!
Murphy MacManus: And when it all falls down?
Rocco: We build it right back up again.
Connor MacManus: But this time bigger. BETTER!
Rocco: Look! Look what we can do. Look how fuckin' beautiful we are. You think the men that built all this had it easy?
Murphy MacManus: Hard men!
Connor MacManus: Doing hard shit!
Rocco: and that gives me a hard on... But not in a gay way or anything like that.
Murphy MacManus: No, 'course not
Connor MacManus: Yeah it goes without sayin'
Rocco: I am so sick of all of this self help, twelve step, leftover hippie generation bullshit!
Connor MacManus: Now they don't want you to do anything, right? Just sit there. Don't drink.
Murphy MacManus: Don't smoke. Don't drive fast.
Rocco: Fuck it! Do it all I say! Do you think Duke Wayne spent all of his time talking about his feelings with a fuckin' therapist?
Connor MacManus: There's no fucking way he did!
Rocco: John Wayne died with five pounds of undigested red meat in his ass. Now that's a man! Real men hide their feelings. Why?
Rocco: Men do not cry. Men do not pout. Men jack you in the fuckin' jaw and say...
Detective Greenly: Thanks for comin' out.
Doc: Not this time, ya little shit.
Connor MacManus: We'll see, old man... Would somebody please come over here and...
Connor MacManus: ...me up the...
Connor MacManus: [Grabs gun and points it at Romeo] And an awesome wailin' was heard throughout...
Murphy MacManus: And the terrible hand of the lord, struck upon the earth...
Connor MacManus: And as almighty God, created you... Now... He calleth you home!
Connor MacManus: [pause. Gun Clicks] Oops... Busy signal... We'll have to calleth back!
Murphy MacManus: [Brothers Laugh] Let's have a shot while we're waitin'!
Connor MacManus: I think he took a little piss!
Romeo: That shit was not funny!
Eunice: Well, since we've already broken the fuck barrier, allow me to be blunt. It is because I'm so fucking smart that I make smart people feel like they are retarded.
Noah 'Il Duce' MacManus: [Has a gun to his head] Boys! Daddy's workin'.
Doc: [being introduced to Romeo] They call me... FUCK... ASS!
Romeo: [hesitates for a moment] How ya doin, fuck ass.
Noah 'Il Duce' MacManus: Peace, they say, is the enemy of memory. So it had been for my boys. For some time now, their past had felt like a dream. Then, suddenly, it was back.
Connor MacManus: You ready for this shit, my dear brother?
Murphy MacManus: Let's do some gratuitous violence.
Connor MacManus: Creative! It's a creative plan!
Murphy MacManus: It's ridiculous! Probably based on some stupid shit ya saw in a movie! And here I am AGAIN all tyin' myself up with ya stupid fuckin' rope! What is the deal with you and rope? Honestly!
Connor MacManus: It happens ta be a useful thing, now shut it!
Detective Duffy: You didn't get this from a movie, did you?
[Murphy stares at Connor]
Connor MacManus: The "Eiger Sanction" with Clint Eastwood! And it worked like a charm for him!
Murphy MacManus: I fuckin' knew!
Detective Greenly: We are totally fucked! Not just fucked, like elephant dick, pound in the ass, no reach-around, jungle fucked!
Detective Duffy: Now's not the time to panic, Green Beans!
Detective Greenly: I disagree! Now's the perfect time to panic! We are all accessories!
Dolly: Don't you fucking say it.
Detective Greenly: Oh, I'm gonna say it alright.
Detective Duffy: You've got to calm down. Just calm down, alright? Just calm...
Dolly: You've got a mouth, you know that?
Detective Duffy: Shut the fuck up!
Murphy MacManus: But how would anyone recognize us?
Connor MacManus: You don't remember those sketches on the news channel?
Murphy MacManus: Shit. That's right. Y'know, every time they show those composites on TV and then they catch the guy, it looks nothin' like him. But ours?
Connor MacManus: Just our luck. We get Leonardo fuckin' da Vinci as a sketch artist.
Murphy MacManus: Maybe we should dye our hair.
Connor MacManus: What?
Murphy MacManus: Yeah. These guys are always dyin' their hair. You know, like in 'The Fugitive.' It's covert and shit.
Connor MacManus: [Connor smirks privately] What color would you dye it?
Murphy MacManus: I don't know... lighter, I guess.
Connor MacManus: Y'mean... blonde?
Murphy MacManus: I didn't say that!
Connor MacManus: California, surfer boy, gay, gay, gay blonde?
Murphy MacManus: I'm warnin' ya!
Connor MacManus: Just keep your hands off my ass back there and, "Stay gold, Pony Boy."
[Connor laughs heartily]
Murphy MacManus: Fuck you!
[Connor stabs the ink pen into his brother's shoulder]
Connor MacManus: AAAAAAH!
[Connor bolts up, knocking over the pot. Hot water and pennies spread across the floor. Connor pulls the pen out]
Connor MacManus: You Motherfucker!
Murphy MacManus: Serves ya right!
Detective Greenly: [Greenly has just been fatally wounded] Proudest day of my life, boys.
Gangster at bar: "Erin go Braugh". What the fuck does that mean?
Murphy MacManus: It's Irish for "you're fucked".
Detective Greenly: Get a hostage negotiator down here and put some stank on it! He could be in there all... touching her and shit!
Connor MacManus: [tasting a mysterious white powder] That's heroin...
Murphy MacManus: [after a dramatic pause] How the fuck would you know that?
Connor MacManus: Fuck you! I know shit!
Murphy MacManus: I thought you said your car was 'inconspicuous'?
Romeo: Yeah, well I don't like words with 'spic' right in the middle. Besides, it is where I live.
Murphy MacManus: Yeah, where's that Margaritaville?
Romeo: Hey, I hail from a colorful people. Besides, you wouldn't know style if it pitched a tent in your ass.
Eunice: With all due respect... man I hate it when people say that because it is inevitably followed by a disrespectful remark. Here let me give you an example: With all due respect detective, this matter falls under whatever jurisdiction I fuckin' say it does.
Murphy MacManus: [from trailer] That was one of the finest examples of spiritual guidance I've ever had the good fortune to witness.
Romeo: Are you saying I look gay?
Murphy MacManus: No. You just hail from a colorful...
Romeo: You don't know me. You think these make me look gay?
Irish Gun Dealer: You look like you might have seen one up close.
Eunice: On a sultry Saturday in September, the Saints saved seventeen souls.
Romeo: Hey guys! You know what this is? This is our hideout man!
Connor MacManus: What are you fuckin' five?
Murphy MacManus: Look we have sticks, and some blankets. You could make a fort.
Romeo: Fuck you guys, this is cool. We even have a pinball machine.
Romeo: Why can't I help you guys? It's because I'm a Mexican, ain't it?
Connor MacManus: How dare you, sir, you insinuate such a thing! The fact that you're a greasy spic has nothing to do with it.
[Connor and Murphy start laughing]
Concezio Yakavetta: These sons of bitches prison-fucked us... In the ASS! And then they wiped their dicks on our grandma's drapes!
Connor MacManus: Then we skin out. We go to Doc's for a shot of Irish. We're home in time for tacos.
Connor MacManus: That's what we do.
Murphy MacManus: [looks at Connor doubtingly]
Connor MacManus: What?
Murphy MacManus: It's just this plan.
Connor MacManus: What the fucks wrong with the plan?
Murphy MacManus: It's, it's
Romeo: It's genius! I can even drive an F-lift man. Got my class D license and everything.
Connor MacManus: That's the fucking spirit!
Romeo: I'm gonna need a gun.
Romeo: The fuck man, I'm in on this shit. I'm workin here.
Connor MacManus: Fuck's sake. Know what your gonna do? You're gonna consider yourself a fucking pledge 'til we tell you different.
Murphy MacManus: [laughs]
Romeo: Can I consider myself your girlfriend too?
Connor MacManus: That's what you get. Is there a fucking problem?
Romeo: It's fine!
Connor MacManus: I'm fucking watching you. You understand me. You stow that shit.
Murphy MacManus: Don't you worry, Rome, shit like this that builds character.
Romeo: Yeah, character of a little bitch.
Murphy MacManus: Now that's just unprofessional.
Detective Duffy: Look! We need to figure out what we're gonna do when the boys show and start doing what they do best. 'Cause that's when the shit's really gonna hit the fan.
Dolly: But everyone is assuming that the boys are gonna turn up.We got no way of knowing that for sure
Detective Greenly: Yeah,that could totally happen.They could not come back.
Detective Duffy: What dream world did you two just slip into? We know the boys,Is there any part of you that thinks that they're just gonna let this slide? Believe this,they're either on their way or they're already here.
Dolly: [as they stand watching Greenly pretend to examine a crime like Smecker did in the first movie, listening to "Sister Christian" on headphones and sing incredibly off-key] Why is...
Detective Duffy: [Cutting Dolly Off] I don't know.
Eunice: I am a FBI agent controlling this investigation from within in order to ensure that you gentlemen never see the inside of a prison cell. Now I am conspiring with 3 like minded individuals who have aided you in the past though I have yet to inform them of my agenda because, well a girl's got to have her fun.
Detective Duffy: This is not good. She's gunnin' for the boys hard.
Dolly: This broad, trying to put a feather in her cap, is going to get us all locked up. I mean, this couldn't be going any worse.
Detective Duffy: Let's calm down.
Detective Greenly: Calm down? Calm down? You know they're going to throw us in the Hoag. We put half of those deranged sex freaks in there. I hope you guys like cock sandwiches, 'cause we'll be eating them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Connor MacManus: I think Yakavetta killed a good man just to send us a message.
Murphy MacManus: Let's send him one right back!
Concezio Yakavetta: These saints put my father on his knees!
Noah 'Il Duce' MacManus: Someone's trying to call them out. You kill a priest. In a church. And make it look like it was them. Bring them back with a vengeance. Someone thinks it's really clever. Only one problem with this little plan.
Father Sibeal MacManus: What's that?
Noah 'Il Duce' MacManus: It worked.
Father Sibeal MacManus: Exactly, what do you intend to do?
Murphy MacManus: Every last motherfucker that had anything to do with it.
Romeo: Who ordered the whup ass fajita?
[Connor and Murphy stare at him for a moment]
Murphy MacManus: That's fuckin' stupid.
Connor MacManus: Completely retarted.
Murphy: Dolly, Duffy and Greenly?
Eunice: The very same.
Connor: How are the lads?
Eunice: Two of them are scared. One's just horny.
Murphy: Bet'cha I can guess which one.
Murphy MacManus: [introducing Romeo to Doc] This is our Mexican.
Rocco: Real men hide their emotions. Why? Because it's none of your fuckin' business!