The Angriest Man in Brooklyn (2014)
Henry Altmann: [narration] When Henry Altmann fell from the bridge time had slowed. And it occurred to Henry that life didn't have to be a burden, that life is short and fragile and unique. And each hour, each minute, each second could have something to offer. Something beautiful and astounding. The fact that this only occurred to him seconds before he would hit the water and die, made him very very angry.
Henry Altmann: Anger is the only thing they left me. Anger is my refuge, it's my shield. Anger is my birthright!
Bette Altmann: Henry, what's going on?
Henry Altmann: We have to have sex, immediately! I don't have a lot of time...
Henry Altmann: [at Sharon] You told me I was gonna die in ninety minutes, because your cat jumped out a window?
Sharon Gill: The important thing is, we find your brother and get him admitted to a hospital immediately. Make sure he remains calm and does nothing to raise his blood pressure.
Aaron Altmann: Like?
Sharon Gill: Anger.
Aaron Altmann: And you've met my brother?
Aaron Altmann: [to Henry] Reconciliation, in ninety minutes? Are you trying to kill yourself?
[Henry enters a tech shop]
Henry Altmann: I need a camcorder! And I need one quick!
[Ruben gets up slowly]
Ruben: W... w... w... w... what type are you interested?
Henry Altmann: Oh, it doesn't matter! Just one of those!
[points at a shelf]
Henry Altmann: That one, right there!
Ruben: The P... P... P... P... Panasonic, or the F... F... F... F... Fujitsu?
Henry Altmann: [points again] No, THAT one!
Ruben: Oh, the Samsung?
Henry Altmann: Yeah, the Samsung! I'll take it!
Ruben: W... w... w... w... warranty?
Henry Altmann: No, definitely not.
Henry Altmann: [holds a Samsung camcorder] How do I get it to work?
Ruben: F... F... F... F... first, you have to charge the b... b... b...
Henry Altmann: Batteries? How long will that take?
Ruben: F... F... F... F... Four hours.
Henry Altmann: Does the world hate me?... Do you have one that's ready to go right now?
Ruben: [looks at the shelf] The F... F... F... F... Fujitsu . or the F... F... F... F... Fuji...
Henry Altmann: Which one do you recommend, the F... F... F... F... Fujitsu or the F... F... F... F... Fuji?
Ruben: F... F... F... F... Fuck you!
Henry Altmann: Bravo!
Henry Altmann: What the hell? I said, what the hell?
Henry Altmann: [after the policeman drives off] You're not gonna follow him, are you?
Sharon Gill: Oh, fuck no!
Henry Altmann: [laughs heavily] Yes, you go girl.
Henry Altmann: My tombstone will say, "Henry Altmann, 1951 dash 2014." I never knew till now, it's not the dates that matter... it's the dash.
Bette Altmann: Sex isn't some magic switch you pull just because you're feeling a momentary twinge of guilt.
Henry Altmann: Guilt! What guilt?
Bette Altmann: About being horrible.
Henry Altmann: Who said I was horrible?
Bette Altmann: Oh, I thought that part was obvious.
Bette Altmann: You always were a little bit of a jerk, but you were an amusing jerk. But since Peter, you're just a jerk.
Bette Altmann: Do you have family, Dr. Gill?
Sharon Gill: No. Not really? Well, Mom and Dad in Wisconsin. But, you know, divorced, married. Thrice! Thanksgivings are a mess. Guess, uh... Guess I don't know "normal."
Aaron Altmann: The only normal people there are are the ones you don't know very well.
Bette Altmann: [with rage] Fuck you!
Henry Altmann: [in affirmation] Yeah.
Bette Altmann: Oh, you still want that husband-wife moment?
Henry Altmann: Maybe.
Bette Altmann: Do you even remember the last time we had sex?
Henry Altmann: Yeah, umm...
Bette Altmann: Well I don't, because I have sex all the time just not with you.
Henry Altmann: [narrating] As Henry Altmann waited in traffic, on the way to his doctor's appointment, he mentally added subwoofers in small cars to things he hated. On his short list was also dog crap, car alarms, indecipherable parking signs, double baby strollers, ass-crack fashion, men's cologne, bubble gum, bicycles, hamsters, garbage trucks, neighbors, metal hangers, TV remotes, greeting cards, flip-flops, fliers for cheap haircuts, fat people, pigeons, The Weather Channel, smell of urine, new mothers, credit card offers, blocked phone numbers, big umbrellas, F train, JFK, BQ E., ATM Service fees, 99 Cent Stores, radio personalities, networking, Starbucks, the Knicks, the Knicks, the Knicks, and God.