Seth Meyers: O.J. Simpson was found guilty Friday on charges of armed robbery, assault and kidnapping but really, murder.
Marcus: Don't you get it, Amber? I mean, don't you see? Being your gay friend was, I don't know, the only way I had a chance with you! And, even though I, I don't know, nothing ever happened between us, and I had to sleep with somewhere between... thirty or forty dudes... I, uh, yeah. I regret nothing! Well, maybe thirty of forty things...
Sarah Palin: Ya know, John McCain and I, we're a couple of mavericks, and gosh darn it, we're gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we're gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that's plaguin' this great country of ours.
Gwen Ifill: [pause] How will you solve the financial crisis being a maverick?
Sarah Palin: Ya know, we're gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it, and then we're gonna ask ourselves, "what would a maverick do in this situation?" And then, ya know, we'll do that.
Sarah Palin: I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.
Sarah Palin: Gwen, we don't know if this climate-change-whosie-whatsit is man-made, or if it's just a natural part of the End of Days. But I'm not gonna talk about that; I would like to talk about taxes, because with Barack Obama, you're gonna be payin' higher taxes, but not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get mavericky in there, and ruffle feathers, and not got to allow that, and also to the great Ronald Reagan...
Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, how as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?
Joe Biden: Well, I would do what I've done my whole career, whether it's been dealing with violence against women, or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle, like I've done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because, look, I love John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he's dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let's be frank. John McCain - and again, this is a man I would take a BULLET for - is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, "God love him, but he's a raging maniac... and a dear, dear friend."
Joe Biden: You know, I get a little tired of being told I'm an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's as hardscrabble a place as you're gonna find. I'll show you around sometime, and you'll see: it's a hellhole! An absolute jerkwater of a town! You couldn't stand to spend a weekend there. It's just an AWFUL, AWFUL, sad place... filled with sad, desperate people with no ambition. Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me, has ever come out of that place. It's a genetic cesspool. So don't be tellin' me I'm part of the Washington elite, because I come from the absolute worst place ON EARTH, Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, goat. It's good to see you. I like your beard. I had a beard like that in The Perfect Storm. Did you see that movie?
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, donkey. What's goin' on? You're a donkey, I like that. You eat apples, right? I produce Entourage.