Miss Piggy: How long does it take to mail a stinking letter?
Kermit the Frog: Piggy, you have to be patient.
Miss Piggy: Well, I'm going to talk to the mayor.
Michael Bloomberg: Yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: Oh, Mayor Bloomberg! Take me to the front of this line.
Michael Bloomberg: Sorry, Miss Piggy, but that would be rude, and one thing New York is known for is niceness.
Miss Piggy: What has he done to this city?
Claire's Mom: Look what I found.
The Great Gonzo: What's that?
Claire's Mom: It's an inflatable Santa. Can someone help me blow it up?
Crazy Harry: Did someone say "blow it up"?
Claire's Mom: That's why you have to choose your words carefully around here.
Kermit the Frog: This post office is going postal!
Waldorf: [as the Muppets are dropped off by the postman] Look at what the post office sent.
Statler: Yeah. Return to sender!
Mobster: Hey, it's that looney shrimp that called us earlier.
Pepe the Prawn: They call me the Prawn.
Mobster: Hey! Are you correcting my friend over here? Because if you are, I'm gonna dip you in cocktail sauce and bite your tasty little head off!
Pepe the Prawn: Shrimp is fine.
Miss Piggy: Kermit, if you really want to go to the North Pole, then go ahead.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, thank you, Piggy.
Miss Piggy: And do me a favor. When you get there... stay there!
Pepe the Prawn: We'd love to help you take those letters to Santa.
Rizzo the Rat: But our flying unicorns are at the shop.
Joy: Welcome to North Pole Airlines. We have more flights to the North Pole than any other airline: one.
Fozzie Bear: Hey, guys, here's a joke for ya. Who delivers presents to baby sharks? Santa Jaws!
[Alarm goes off]
Bobo the Bear: All right, step aside. Did you know that telling jokes at an airport terminal is a federal offense? Especially jokes that are that bad.
Fozzie Bear: Well, if you didn't like that one, I've got a hundred more.
[takes out index cards]
Bobo the Bear: He's got cards!