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Cinematic Titanic: Doomsday Machine (2008)

Video  -  Comedy  -  19 June 2008 (USA)
7.7
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Ratings: 7.7/10 from 67 users  
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American spies discover the Chinese have built a weapon capable of destroying planet Earth, a "doomsday machine" if you will, and that they plan to use it within a matter of days. Will the ... See full summary »

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Title: Cinematic Titanic: Doomsday Machine (Video 2008)

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American spies discover the Chinese have built a weapon capable of destroying planet Earth, a "doomsday machine" if you will, and that they plan to use it within a matter of days. Will the human race survive? Will you wish it didn't once you've seen this movie? Not when you watch with Cinematic Titanic! The riff light is on as they go head-to-head with this 1972 non-classic. Written by Anonymous

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19 June 2008 (USA)  »

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Two movies for the price of one. Bulk isn't always better.
3 April 2009 | by (Hell's Kitchen, NYC) – See all my reviews

This is the second movie from Cinematic Titanic (the first being the Oozing Skull), also released in 1972 and both containing the acting talents of Grant Williams, dubbed by some as "one of the four actors of the apocalypse". After watching them back-to-back, you will realize just how true that moniker is.

The communist Chinese develop the gumball technology of doom, who's detonation force will "rupture the faults of the earth's surface and setup a chain reaction of explosions when the earth's tension is broken." For the lay person, this means that the Earth will be destroyed. The US response is to replace half of the all-male crew of Project Astra, who's goal was a mission to Venus for a 2 year trip, with a female crew. Instead of the planned mission, they become humanity's Adam & Eve/Noah's Ark insurance policy. Will humanity survive? There are two distinct movies here. The first part is a genuine attempt at a low budget science fiction narrative with a message (albeit derived & unoriginal) in the nature of Ikarie XB1. That movie dies suddenly somewhere over Venus. You are probably asking yourself how will you know when that is? Trust me, you'll know. It is when the second movie starts, all with different faceless-actors in a dark room doing stuff. This leads into stills & voice-over narrative. Fin.

In the end all you remember is that a lot of painful, pointless dialog occurred, with female astronauts walking around a rocket in their pink robes. And then it all ends in a whimpering blaze (yes I know this is oxymoronic, but it is how I felt). You are not quite sure if anything ended, except the life span of several of your neurons. ad astra per alia porci.

After years of watching movies all the way through, the good and the bad, I discovered another option while watching Orgy of the Dead. That movie was so bad that I could only watch it in 5 minute increments, preferring to fast-forward through the rest. Most movies are not that bad and that technique should only be used when your sanity is on the line.

As an alternative I have developed levels of fast-forwarding that does not deter from the watching experience (as the voice and sound effects can still be distinguished) but alleviates most of the sources of movie induced hemorrhages; 1.5x speed-up & 2x speed-up. The first option is less severe and almost unnoticeable. It will reduce the film length by a 1/3. The second option should only be used in cases of severe pain and it will alter the movie drastically & reducing the film time by 1/2. During the course of watching the Doomsday Machine, I alternated between 1.5x & 2x frequently. Even with the crew of the Cinematic Titanic helping, it was still too much pain for me to bear (again).

Save me Casey Kasem!

-Celluloid Rehab


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