Theresa Russo: Yay, I'm in the wizard's lair. Or as I like to call it, the garage sale that never happened.
Justin Russo: Smarty Pants. They give whoever wears them superior knowledge on anything and everything there is to know. I'd put 'em on but I'm already smarter than them.
Alex Russo: Ooh, you're smarter than pants, good for you!
Justin Russo: Now pay attention while I read off some of the possible side effects of keeping the pants on too long. Side effects may be headache, nausea, rash, chronic giggling, belly button bubbles, say it don't spray it disease, tongue reversal, ear gas, sweaty knees, Picasso face, problems with the bowels...
[Alex puts Night Cap over Justin's head and he falls asleep]
Alex Russo: All right, lesson's over! Come on, Max!
Max Russo: I think I'm gonna stay and draw on his face!
Alex Russo: Okay, cool!
Alarm: Warning! Warning! The prolonged use of Smarty Pants...
Alex Russo: Okay, we get it!
Alarm: ...may cause side effects such as headache, nausea, rash, skeleton legs, belly button bubbles, say it don't spray it disease, smelly feet, yellow tongue, flaky hair, oily lips...
Alex Russo: [puts the Smarty Pants on] Oh, now I know how to shut you up!
Alarm: scaly pits...
Alex Russo: [she turns the Alarm off] Huh! Knowing stuff is so cool!
Justin Russo: Okay, guys, while Dad's away, Mom's going to give her first wizard lesson, so let's show her some respect.
Alex Russo: Oh, we respect *her*; it's *you* we don't respect.
Justin Russo: Anyhoo...
Alex Russo: See? We don't respect you 'cause you say things like that.
Alex Russo: Mom, how'd it go? Am I in big trouble?
Theresa Russo: It's weird. Your principal started to talk about you, and then he got a phone call about some dirty canary song sweeping through the seventh grade.
Alex Russo: Uh, Mom, I think Max was the one...
Theresa Russo: Sh! Let's get out of here.
Alex Russo: Okay.
Harper Finkle: [to Alex] I wish you were smart. Then you could fill in for Nellie.
Alex Russo: I am smart! I'm street smart.
Harper Finkle: But not book smart.
Alex Russo: I am too book smart! Sure, I don't read books, but I hollow them out and hide things in them.