[Kumar butts to the front of the line and is now on Santa's lap]
Mother in Santa line-up: HEY! Back of the line, Tech Support!
Kumar: Take it easy, Reba. Your little boy can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute!
Kumar: [Upon being asked to go to a Christmas Eve party] No can do man. I have to stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high.
Kumar: You have a good job, you make good money, and you don't beat your wife. What more could a Latino father-in-law ask for?
Harold: You still haven't explained the gay thing.
Kumar: You're not gay, motherfucker!
Harold: At all.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah that's something us magicians like to call misdirection. Just a little something I picked up from my man, Clay Aiken.
Kumar: What? Clay Aiken's not gay?
Neil Patrick Harris: Are you kidding me? Clay's the biggest coos hound I know. That guy gets mad gash.
Mr. Perez: The tree is a cancer, Harold. We have to get rid of it before it kills Christmas.
Harold: Koreans have killed his mother and now his tree. Christmas is ruined.
Kumar: Uh, miss, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve.
Neil Patrick Harris: What did I tell you about using tongue?
David Burtka: You told me to make it realistic.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, realistic! Not fucking gay as shit!
Neil Patrick Harris: Look, don't be alarmed... but I'm gonna squirt some lotion on your back in about... 35 seconds.
Kenneth Park: This is a Sharp 52" Aquos Quattron TV with state-of-the-art 3D technology that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded.
Harold: I don't know. Hasn't the whole 3D thing jumped shark by now?
Kenneth Park: Mr. Lee, you don't understand. This is the best 3D you've ever seen. It's gonna be amazing!
[Kenneth gives two thumbs up to the audience]
Harold: Who are you looking at?
Todd: Oh, great. Now we're getting tinkled on.
Harold: It's just urine. It'll wash out.
Todd: Oh, Harry. Tinkled on the windshield. That is officially the grossest thing that has ever happened to me.
David Burtka: I have Fred Savage on speed-dial.
Neil Patrick Harris: FUCK Savage! That crack is mine!
Harold: I shot Santa in the face! He's real! And I shot him in the face!