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The Cabin in the Woods (2012) Poster

Quotes

Mordecai: Cleanse them. Cleanse the world of their ignorance and sin. Bathe them in the crimson of...

[pauses]

Mordecai: Am I on speakerphone?

Hadley: No, absolutely not. Speakerphone, no, no, I wouldn't do that.

Mordecai: Yes I am. I can hear the echo.

Hadley: Oh, my God, you're right. Hang on one second, I'll take you off.

Mordecai: That's rude. I don't know who's in the room.

Hadley: [sighs] These fucking zombies. Remember when you could just throw a girl in a volcano?

Sitterson: How old do you think I am?

Marty: Statistical fact: Cops will never pull over a man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man. They know he sees further than they and he will bind them with ancient logics.

Marty: Ok, I'm drawing a line in the fucking sand here. Do not read the Latin!

Mordecai: Don't take this lightly, boy. It wasn't all by your 'numbers'; the Fool nearly derailed the invocation with his insolence. Your futures are murky; you'd do well to heed my - I'm still on speakerphone, aren't I?

Hadley: No. You're not. I promise.

Mordecai: Yes I am! Who is that? Who's laughing?

Sitterson: [pounds head on desk laughing hysterically]

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Dana: I'm so sorry I almost shot you. I probably wouldn't have.

Marty: Hey, shh, no. I totally get it. I'm sorry I let you get attacked by a werewolf and then ended the world.

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Marty: Yeah, uh, I had to dismember that guy with a trowel. What have you been up to?

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Sitterson: Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Hadley: He had the conch in his hands!

Sitterson: I know. In a couple more minutes, who knows what might have happened. Yes.

Hadley: I am never gonna see a merman. Ever.

Sitterson: Dude, be thankful. Those things are terrifying. And the cleanup on them is a nightmare.

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Sitterson: They have to make the choice of their own free will. Otherwise, system doesn't work. Like the harbinger: creepy old fuck practically wears a sign saying "YOU WILL DIE". Why would we put him there? The system. They have to choose to ignore him. They have to choose what happens in the cellar. yeah, we rig the game as much as we have to but in the end, if they don't transgress they can't be punished.

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Wiry Girl: That's not fair! I had zombies too!

Sitterson: Yes, you had "Zombies." But this is "Zombie Redneck Torture Family." Entirely separate thing. It's like the difference between an elephant and an elephant seal.

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Marty: It was the pioneer days; people had to make their own interrogation rooms. Out of cornmeal.

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Curt: Read the Gurovsky; it's way more interesting and Bennet doesn't know it by heart so he'll think you're insightful. And you have no pants.

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Marty: We are not who we are.

[Realizing that he's stoned]

Marty: I'm gonna go read a book with pictures.

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Marty: [whispers] Puppeteers...

Dana: Puppeteers?

Marty: Pop Tarts? Did you say you have Pop Tarts?

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Marty: Okay, my turn! Jules!

Jules: Mmm?

Marty: Truth or dare?

Jules: Let's go dare.

Marty: I dare you, to make out with...

Curt: Please say Dana. Please say Dana. Please say Dana.

Marty: That moose, over there.

Dana: Um, Marty? Have you ever seen a moose before?

Marty: Whatever that mysterious beast is?

Curt: It's a wolf.

Holden: That's clearly a wolf.

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Operations Guy: I have the Harbinger on line two...

Hadley: Oh Christ, can you take a message?

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Dana: Me? The virgin?

The Director: We work with what we have.

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Lin: Perfect record, huh?

Sitterson: The Japan Group should've had this in the bag! They fucked us! How hard is it to kill nine-year olds?

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Dana: An army of nightmares, huh? Let's get this party started.

[hits purge button releasing all the monsters]

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Marty: [after discovering a hidden camera] Oh my god. I'm on a reality TV show. My parents are gonna think I'm such a burnout.

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Daniel Truman: [seeing zombies] They're like something from a nightmare.

Lin: No, they're something nightmares are from.

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Marty: Good work, zombie arm.

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The Director: This is all most unpleasant. I know you can hear me. I hope you'll listen. You won't get out of this complex alive. What I want you to try to understand is that you mustn't. Your deaths will avert countless others. You've seen horrible things: an army of nightmare creatures. And they are real. But they are nothing compared to what lies beneath us. There is a greater good, and for that you must be sacrificed. Forgive us... and let us end it quickly.

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Lin: Whatever he's been smoking has been immunizing him to all our shit.

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[Curt sees that Jules has been packing textbooks about Soviet economics and the Cold War]

Curt: What is this? What are these? What are you doing with these?

Jules: Okay. I get it. I'll leave them...

Curt: [angrily] No. Who gave you these? Who taught you about these?

Jules: I learned it from you! Okay? I learned them from watching you!

[She runs out of the room in tears. Curt laughs]

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Curt: What is that?

[spoken seriously while staring at the lake]

Dana: What?

Curt: In the lake, I swear to god I...

Dana: Yeah, right...

Curt: No seriously. Right there. Don't you see it? There. It looks just like my girlfriend.

[pushes Jules into the water]

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Marty: Cutting the flesh makes him have a husband's bulge.

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Marty: I think I can get it to go down.

Dana: Do we want to go down?

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Curt: Look, you guys stay in the rambler. I'll get help. If I wipe out, I'll fucking limp for help. But, I'm coming back here. I'm coming back with cops, and choppers, and large fucking guns, and those things are going to pay. For Jules.

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The Director: There's no other way. You have to be strong.

Marty: [sarcastically] Yeah, Dana. You feeling strong?

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[During the celebration, Sitterson approaches the demolition crew, who did not blow up the tunnel when he expected them to]

Sitterson: You knuckleheads! You almost gave me a heart attack with that tunnel.

Demo Guy #2: Like I said, it wasn't our fault! We didn't get the order.

Sitterson: [laughing] Okay, all right. I'm just giving you a hard time. Come on, give us a hug.

Demo Guy #2: [stopping him] Hey.

Demo Guy #1: No, seriously, that wasn't our fault.

Demo Girl: There was a glitch, a power re-route from upstairs.

Sitterson: [suddenly serious] What do you mean, upstairs?

[a red telephone on the wall rings. Sitterson and Hadley look across the room at each other, and at it]

Hadley: Turn the fucking music off!

[the music cuts off and Hadley fearfully walks over to answer the phone. He speaks, with pauses between each line:]

Hadley: Hello? That's impossible. Everything was done within the guidelines. The virgin's the only one. No. I, I am not doubting you.

[He turns, wide-eyed, to look at the big screens]

Hadley: *Which one?*

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[first lines]

Hadley: It's... hormonal. I mean, I don't... usually fall back on, you know, women's issues, but...

Sitterson: But child-proofed how? Gates and stuff?

Hadley: Dude, she did the drawers. We don't even know if this whole fertility thing's gonna work. She screwed in these little jobbies where you can't even open the drawers.

Sitterson: At all?

Hadley: No, they open, you know, like an inch. Then you gotta dig your finger in. I mean, it's a nightmare.

Sitterson: I guess sooner or later...

Hadley: Yeah, well, a *lot* later. She did the *upper* cabinets. The kid'll be 30 before he can reach 'em. Assuming, you know, we have a kid.

P.A. Voice: Attention...

[P.A. message continues, indistinct]

Sitterson: It is natural for her to feel protective.

Hadley: Don't even- You have women's issues.

Sitterson: Please. You of all people.

Hadley: Oh, come on, it's a jinx. It- it guarantees we won't get pregnant. And it takes me about 20 minutes for me to get a fuckin' beer.

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Dana: I don't think Curt even has a cousin.

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Lin: Do we pipe it in or do you wanna do it orally?

Sitterson: [closes eyes] Ask me that again only slower.

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Dana: Thanks for... being decent.

Holden: Least I could do, since Curt and Jules have sold you to me for marriage.

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Hadley: So, should we call Japan? Tell them to take the rest of the weekend off?

Sitterson: Yeah, right. They're Japanese. What are they gonna do - relax?

Hadley: I'd just like to see them fall on their asses for once.

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Hadley: Who's still out?

Sitterson: We have Engineering, R.D., and we got Electrical.

Hadley: [laughs] Did you see who they picked? They're practically giving their money away!

Sitterson: You should talk, Aqua Man.

[laughs]

Hadley: What do you mean?

Sitterson: Ah, nothing.

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Curt: [seeing old gas pump] This thing doesn't take credit cards.

Marty: I don't think it knows about money.

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[last lines]

Marty: [incredulous] Giant evil gods.

Dana: I wish I could have seen them.

Marty: I know. That would have been a fun weekend.

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The Director: You've seen horrible things, an army of nightmare creatures. But they are nothing compared to what came before, what lies below. It's our task to placate the ancient ones, as it's yours to be offered up to them. Forgive us and let us get it over with.

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[the Zombie Redneck Torture Family are attacking the cabin]

Curt: Look. We lock this place down.

Marty: He's right.

Curt: We'll go room by room, barricade every window and door. We gotta play it safe. No matter what happens, we have to stay together.

Hadley: [Watching the kids from the control room, Hadley slaps his forehead] Fuck!

Sitterson: Calm down. Watch the master work.

[Sitterson pushes buttons on the control panel. A grille opens in a cabin wall and a gas pours through it; Curt enters the room and is affected by the gas at once]

Curt: This isn't right.

Holden: What? What's the matter?

Curt: This isn't right. We should split up. We can cover more ground that way.

Holden: [also affected by the gas] Yeah. Yeah, good idea.

Marty: [in disbelief that they just said something so stupid] Really?

[a zombie's axe crashes through a wall]

Curt: You guys, you guys, get in your rooms!

[Marty has a protesting expression as his friends run to different rooms. Cut to Hadley placidly eating popcorn]

Hadley: Lock 'em in!

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Lin: Guys, guys, Stockholm went south.

Sitterson: Seriously? I thought they were lookin' good.

Hadley: What cracked?

Lin: I haven't seen the footage. Word is just going around.

Hadley: Well, it's never been a stable scenario. Everyone knows you can't trust Swedes.

Lin: That means there's just Japan. Japan and us.

Hadley: Well, it's not the first time that it's come down to that.

Sitterson: Japan has a perfect record.

Hadley: And we're number 2. We try harder.

Lin: But guys, if we fail, then...

Sitterson: Please, we haven't had a glitch since '98.

Hadley: We know what we're doin', Lin. Or we have it written down... somewhere.

Lin: You guys better not be messing around in there.

Sitterson: Ooh, does this mean you're not in the betting pool this year? Big money.

Lin: I mean- I am just saying it's a key scenario.

Hadley: No, I- I hear what you're sayin'.

Hadley: [to Sitterson] In '98 it was Chem. Department's fault, right?

Hadley: [to Lin] Where do you work again? Wait...

Hadley: [drives off] ... it's coming back to me now. It's going to be a long weekend if everyone's that puckered up

[Sitterson sips the edge of his coffee under the lid]

Hadley: So you wanna come over Monday night? I'm gonna pick up some power drills, liberate my cabinets.

[pause]

Hadley: Are you even... listening to me?

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Curt: [after being manipulated by nerve gas] This isn't right. We should split up. We can cover more ground that way.

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Marty: [drives up smoking a bong] People in this town drive in a very counterintuitive manner.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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