[Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon Cooper: They were clever, Leonard: they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard Hofstadter: What's with him?
Howard Wolowitz: Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
[Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm baaack!
Leonard Hofstadter: I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: I promised Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon Cooper: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon Cooper: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard Hofstadter: Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter: Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: I promise.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon Cooper: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon Cooper: I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!
Penny: I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would you lie about that?
Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
Sheldon Cooper: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?
Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.
Sheldon Cooper: Yet you are neither.
Sheldon Cooper: [Ex nihilo] Leonard, I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon Cooper: There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon Cooper: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm still confused.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
[Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing]
Sheldon Cooper: Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Rajesh Koothrapali: Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
Rajesh Koothrapali: [angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon] How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!
Sheldon Cooper: [shocked] Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Rajesh Koothrapali: [angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time]
Howard Wolowitz: [Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera] You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about? The date went fine!
Rajesh Koothrapali: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
Howard Wolowitz: No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
Rajesh Koothrapali: You being the fish.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not the fish!
Leonard Hofstadter: [about his date with Penny] Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard Wolowitz: The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
Penny: This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon Cooper: You're asking me to keep a secret?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I am sorry, but you would have had to have expressed that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.
Sheldon Cooper: Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
Sheldon Cooper: You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.
Penny: Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.
Sheldon Cooper: Which you did not hear about from me.
Penny: Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
[Sheldon is looking for a place to stay]
Rajesh Koothrapali: You can't stay with me - I have a teeny, tiny apartment.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu house-holder?
Rajesh Koothrapali: I hate trains!
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly - you love trains.
[Sheldon moves in with Koothrapali]
Sheldon Cooper: This is a very old building.
Rajesh Koothrapali: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Rajesh Koothrapali: Not until now!
Sheldon Cooper: I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.
Rajesh Koothrapali: Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...
Sheldon Cooper: I'm kidding! I packed it.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you having a second date?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.
Sheldon Cooper: [looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard] Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.
Leonard Hofstadter: It is not a bad sign!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.
Howard Wolowitz: [Hears a knock on his door] Who is it?
Rajesh Koothrapali: [High-pitched voice] Strippergram!
[Howard opens door; it's actually Rajesh with Sheldon]
Rajesh Koothrapali: Tag, you're it.
Howard Wolowitz: Couldn't you've just wrapped him up in a paper bag and set fire to him?
Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?
Sheldon Cooper: I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.
Rajesh Koothrapali: We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
Howard Wolowitz: And some of those skinless women were hot!
Sheldon Cooper: If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
Howard Wolowitz: That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Penny: Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Well, I would prefer that you didn't but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: ...Okay, I heard 'yes'.
Sheldon: [In a gravely voice, after being drugged by Howard] "I'm Batman!"
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, good night.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: There was a draft.
Penny: I didn't feel a draft.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why don't we just go into your...
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.
Penny: No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny: Or we could just wing it.
Leonard Hofstadter: That might work too.
Penny: Goodnight, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny: What are you talking about?
Leonard Hofstadter: First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny: He told you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.
Penny: Pasadena city college?
Leonard Hofstadter: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.
Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.
Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard Hofstadter: That doesn't matter to me at all.
Penny: So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
Leonard Hofstadter: Absolutely.
[She slams the door in his face]
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, this time I know where I went wrong.