Robin Scherbatsky: [about Ted] You know what a romantic he is? He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like...
Barney Stinson: I love you.
Robin Scherbatsky: Exactly. He's not like you, you know.
Robin Scherbatsky: It was weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. W-I-E-R-D. Weird.
Lily Aldrin: That's not how you spell weird
Robin Scherbatsky: Come on Lily, nobody likes a Ted.
Ted Mosby: [Seeing Robin eat cereal] That looks good. I'll have some of that.
Robin Scherbatsky: Sorry. No milk.
Ted Mosby: But I just saw a carton of milk in the fridge yesterday.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's empty.
Ted Mosby: Then throw it away.
Robin Scherbatsky: Can't. Trashcan's full.
Ted Mosby: So empty the trash.
Robin Scherbatsky: I would, but I'm eating cereal.
Barney Stinson: So I tell her, Madeline, every international conflict esentially boils down to sexual tension.
Ted Mosby: Every international conflict?
Barney Stinson: Every single one.
Ted Mosby: So, the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...?
Barney Stinson: Gaza strippers. Next!
Ted Mosby: Apartheid?
Barney Stinson: Apart thighs. What else you got?
Ted Mosby: Cold War?
Barney Stinson: Mrs. Gorbatchov, take down those pants!
Robin Scherbatsky: Haven't you tried not reading a magazine while "reading a magazine"?
Marshall Eriksen: You have to read a magazine! That's why there are magazines!
Ted Mosby: Otherwise, it's just a waste of our time.
Robin Scherbatsky: Last night, I did it while returning a bunch of phone calls.
Marshall Eriksen: I knew you didn't get a rowing machine!
Robin Scherbatsky: By the way, our little arrangement is off.
Barney Stinson: Oh, that's awes... ful.
Robin Scherbatsky: What?
Barney Stinson: That's awesful.
Lily Aldrin: Are you OK?
Barney Stinson: Yeah, why do you ask?
Lily Aldrin: Well, for one thing you're openly weeping.
Barney Stinson: You two slept together? That is awf - some. Awfsome.
Lily Aldrin: Barney, you have to learn how to express these feelings. Maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist.
Barney Stinson: Please. If I'm gonna pay so woman $200 an hour to make me feel better, we aren't going to be talking. And we're both going to be on that couch. The woman in this scenario is a prostitute. A dirty, skanky, surgically enhanced, Eastern European...
Lily Aldrin: I got it.
Barney Stinson: Can't a bro clean another bro's apartment like bros do?
Ted Mosby: Name me one bro in the history of bros who has ever done that.
Barney Stinson: I'll name two: Misters Clean and Belvedere.
Barney Stinson: [In Lily's kindergarten class] ... And then I stormed out. Why did I do that? I mean,maybe it goes back to my father issues,but I basically gave my best friend license to have sex with the girl of my dreams. totally sabotaged myself. And now I'm smoking. Now I'm smoking.
Lily Aldrin: Get out.
Barney Stinson: But it's feelings hour and I'm holding Feely the Share Bear. And whoever's holding Feely the Share Bear gets to sit in the share chair.
Lily Aldrin: Barney,this is not your private therapist's office. These kids have issues to talk about,too,you know. Ben's parents are getting divorced.
Ben: They are?
Lily Aldrin: Who wants to do some coloring?