Lily Aldrin: Okay, okay, stop fighting!
Lily Aldrin: Because it's stupid and juvenile.
Kid: We're six. We are stupid and juvenile.
Ted Mosby: I think we should go someplace else. In this bar I will always be known as the guy who was left at the altar. It sucks.
Barney Stinson: Good Times.
Ted Mosby: Uh-oh, we lost Barney.
Robin Scherbatsky: What'ya mean?
Lily Aldrin: There's a woman over there in a tight red sweater, and he's not listening to a word we're saying.
Barney Stinson: Gimme a Break!
Ted Mosby: Long ago, he learned that he can fake a conversation by listing black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s. Right, Barney?
Barney Stinson: What's Happenin'?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Wanna go with me and do stuff that I don't even let Marshall do to me?
Barney Stinson: Diff'rent Strokes!
Barney Stinson: There are only three things I would fight: the stubborn clasp of a bra, a paternity suit - nine for ten
[kisses fist, aims it high]
Barney Stinson: ... and the urge to vomit whenever I see someone wear brown shoes with a black suit.
Narrator: Kids, I would like to tell you a moral about how fighting is bad and that you should never do it, but that would be pointless, so I will leave you with this: Don't ever get in a fight with Uncle Marshall. That guy is freakin' crazy.
Marshall Eriksen: There is no reason to fight, unless it's with lightsabers, and that's about three or four years away.
Robin Scherbatsky: That's impossible.
Marshall Eriksen: I've been reading all the forums, it's happening. Five years from now, I'm slicing the Thanksgiving turkey with Old Green.
[Makes lightsaber sounds]
Barney Stinson: Take a good look at this face, because next time you see it, it will be disfigured in the hottest way possible. Because I'm a man, and that's what I do. I get down and dirty.
[takes off coat]
Barney Stinson: Could you please hang this for me?
Robin Scherbatsky: There are plenty of legitimate reasons to get in a fight. It might not be pretty, but in certain situations you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ted Mosby: Right, I forgot, she thinks fighting is sexy.
Robin Scherbatsky: No, I do not... a lot! Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. If a guy can throw down it's somewhat, way hot. And scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin, and if he's missing teeth, I'm missing my pants!
Marshall Eriksen: You know what, Doug, I will gladly pay. And you know why? Cause that's what grown-ups do! They pay for their drinks and they don't get into fights. You know what I was doing while you guys were out there being immature? I tell you what I was doing...
Barney Stinson: -your nails?
Marshall Eriksen: Hahaha, no. I was doing...
Ted Mosby: -a relationship-quiz in this month's Cosmo?
Marshall Eriksen: NO, I was doing...
Barney Stinson: Your best not to cry when Big came back for Carrie at the end of the Sex and the City movie?
Ted Mosby: I can't go to prison! Although I could get a lot of reading done, finally write some short stories, work out all the time... Seriously, if I don't come out of there totally ripped...
Barney Stinson: Ted, we can't go to prison! People get shivved in the joint! Plus the meals are really starchy.
Marshall Eriksen: Ted couldn't fight. Look at him. He wouldn't last five minutes in a fight.
Ted Mosby: Well, maybe more than five...
Marshall Eriksen: He's got the muscle definition of linguini.
Ted Mosby: Well, maybe linguini with meatballs. Check this out.
Marshall Eriksen: Ted, don't.