Dr. Spencer Reid: How are you doing?
Derek Morgan: Well, I gave out all my flyers.
Dr. Spencer Reid: How many phone numbers did you get?
Derek Morgan: None. I'm working a case here, kid.
[Reid gives him a look]
Derek Morgan: Okay, four were offered, but I didn't take any of them.
[Reid gives him another look]
Derek Morgan: All right, look, let me school you a little bit. What you have to do with these ladies, just take control of the conversation. When you're talking what makes you feel like an expert?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Uh, statistics.
Derek Morgan: No, trust me. No. Something else.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Well, when I do magic.
Derek Morgan: See, that's perfect. Chicks dig magic.
Derek Morgan: [trying to help Reid learn how to pick up women] What makes you feel confident?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Statistics.
Derek Morgan: No.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I think I might just... stay home and, uh, man the tipline tonight. Clubs aren't really my thing.
Derek Morgan: Not a chance, kid; I need a wingman. Come on.
David Rossi: Actually, there is another angle we need to pursue.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: We still don't know what made the unsub change his victimology. What made him stop killing prostitutes and move into the clubs.
David Rossi: The answer might be something in Viper's class. But to figure that out we need to profile the teacher.
Derek Morgan: You need to bait him, then, with somebody he sees as a challenge.
Dr. Spencer Reid: We need to study his style up close and personal. It's gonna take someone he's already attracted to.
Emily Prentiss: Ugh. Ugh, this is really gonna suck.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I gave the profile to one woman and she asked if *I* was the unsub.
David Rossi: [closing quote, voiceover] P.J. O'Rourke wrote, "Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."
Derek Morgan: See, there you go. That's what I'm talking about. That's called game.
Emily Prentiss: Jordan, this is Viper, God's gift to women.
Jordan Todd: Wow, God sure has a sense of humor.
Viper: You see, eye contact is a very powerful gauge. That's why you tend to look away from someone you're attracted to, because you know, instinctively, what a dead giveaway it is. But your brain goes there anyway: images, fantasies.
Jordan Todd: Don't flatter yourself.
Viper: The eyes don't lie. They dilate. It's a chemical response we can't control.
Emily Prentiss: Okay, 15 seconds.
Jordan Todd: What do you see?
Emily Prentiss: No, no change. No dilation.
Jordan Todd: I guess chemically we're not a match.
Viper: Only because you have someone else on the mind. Once that happens, the attraction center in the brain shuts down.
David Rossi: Hotch, this is Melissa Foster. She recognized the sketch.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: I'm SSA Hotchner. Thank you for coming in. You sure you've seen this man?
Melissa Foster: Yeah. I gave him the scar.
Emily Prentiss: [opening quote, voiceover] Author Harlan Ellison wrote, "The minute people fall in love, they become liars."
Viper: Your turn.
Emily Prentiss: No.
Viper: You scared I might be right?
Emily Prentiss: No, Paul. I'm baffled. I cannot figure out what the unsub could have learned from you.
Viper: What do you mean? He took my look, my words, everything that makes me successful with the opposite sex.
Jordan Todd: Really? Because that guy could get beautiful women into his apartment. I wouldn't let you on my Facebook page.
Emily Prentiss: Oh, you're on Facebook?
Jordan Todd: Yeah, you should friend me.
Emily Prentiss: I will.
Viper: Hey, hey, hey! I gave him the routines that made him what he is.
Emily Prentiss: It must all be in the salesmanship then.
Jordan Todd: Because we've been watching all the women in the club...
Emily Prentiss: ...and not one of them has looked at you. So who do you really go home with, Paul? Or... or do you go home alone?
Derek Morgan: He's making them clean up their own murder!
Jordan Todd: So how bad did I just screw up?
Derek Morgan: On a normal scale of 1 to 10, I'd say a 6. But on Hotch's scale... an 11!
David Rossi: [to Hotch who's staring at a map] Is this the one that if you stare at it long enough you'll see an image of a swan?
Penelope Garcia: Sir, does this guy stuff actually work on real, breathing girls?
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Why are you asking me?
Penelope Garcia: I abhor the whole "chicks dig jerks" thing.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Well, fortunately, Garcia, you're one of the exceptions.
Penelope Garcia: Well, huh! Be still my bespeckled heart! So are you, sir.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Thanks.
Dr. Spencer Reid: One classic routine the Viper promotes is called the "push-pull." He'll insert himself between two women and, immediately after complimenting one, he'll deliver a subtle insult and then pay attention to the other.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Those are... they're really nice earrings. I like those.
Jordan Todd: [flattered and embarrassed] Thanks.
Dr. Spencer Reid: My grandmother wears a lot of fake jewelry also. Looks nice.
[the others laugh]
Dr. Spencer Reid: Ignoring the one woman puts her in direct competition with her friend and causes the other to pursue you more aggressively.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I was just demonstrating, sorry.
Emily Prentiss: Of the twenty self-described pickup artists in the area, there's only one guy who encourages his students to dress like, uh, space cowboys.
Derek Morgan: [speaking of Viper] Will you listen to that language? He's training serial killers.
Emily Prentiss: Great. We're dealing with a rampant narcissist and misogynist who's turned himself into a snake oil salesman.
Viper: [to Morgan] I outwit alpha males like you for fun and, sometimes, profit. How often do you have to rely on your badge to score, Baldy?
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: So what can you tell me about him?
Penelope Garcia: I can tell you the Viper's real name is Paul Thomas and... before he rechristened himself, he had a major mullet going on!
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: You're okay with this, right?
Emily Prentiss: Yeah, I'll be fine. Sadly, I've actually dated people worse than Viper.
Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: [seems unsure what to say] Wow.
Austin: [of the unsub] So what do I do if I see him?
Dr. Spencer Reid: You should call us. Even if you just think you see him, you should definitely call us.
Austin: And if I don't see him?
[Reid looks confused]
Austin: Can I still call you?
Dr. Spencer Reid: [nods, obviously surprised] Yeah! Yeah, you can call me!
Austin: Okay, cool.
[Reid turns to leave]
Austin: Wait! I don't have your number.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Oh, um, it's behind your barrette.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What is a pickup? It's basically just a profile.
Derek Morgan: Decoding cues of interest and recoding similar ones.
Emily Prentiss: If you're too obvious you turn off your target. If you're oblivious, your target moves on to a better profiler.