"The Big Bang Theory: The White Asparagus Triangulation (#2.9)"
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It's comforting to see Sheldon and Penny having a pleasant conversation. It's a shame that Sheldon is trying to talk like a 14-year old from the suburbs trying to talk street. He's attempting to strike up a casual conversation in order to bring up an awkward question or statement. Penny is freaked, but she'll bite. Sheldon brings up Leonard's girlfriend, Stephanie. Penny already knew that she was a surgical resident and that Stephanie had slept with Leonard. However, Sheldon tells her that, of the handful of women Leonard has been out with, Stephanie is the only one he has ever found tolerable.

"Well, what about me?"

"The statement stands for itself."

Sheldon requests that Stephanie not see Penny as a sexual rival, even if Penny's "hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone that even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate." Sheldon tells Penny she must find a way to suppress her libido in those situations.

"I'll just think about you, Sheldon."

"Whatever works for you. Peace out!"

Leonard having a lovely dinner with Stephanie. Unfortunately, Sheldon is having a lovelier dinner with Stephanie. Leonard can only look on with the anger of a Greg Brady after losing a bet as "Bobby" interferes on his date by discussing pasta with Stephanie. Unable to engage Leonard, Sheldon takes the initiative by finding out Stephanie likes strawberries, has never witnessed a violent crime, and interned for medical school in Galveston. It was an incredible coincidence, because Sheldon spent a lot of time there, having picked up radiation from a homemade CAT scanner. Needless to say, Leonard is not happy with Sheldon being on the date. Leonard wants to know why Sheldon is interfering. Naturally, Sheldon has an answer...

"Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests that you will, we risk losing the Medical Officer our landing party has always needed...See, you're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed, and now we have our McCoy!" (Sheldon even greets Stephanie with the Vulcan "live long and prosper" hand gesture.)

Date #2 seems innocent enough for Stephanie and Leonard. At the movie theatre, Stephanie is relating a funny story to Leonard about the E.R. Speaking of E.R.'s (and the people who might need one) Sheldon appears after extensively searching Leonard's computer for clues as to where they had gone. Sheldon goes and looks for seats, even though Leonard and Stephanie already have them. Sheldon is looking for the acoustic sweet spot in the theatre, so he bellows out several sounds to find it. (He forgot his toy xylophone.) Turns out Leonard and Stephanie had the acoustic seats all along. However, Sheldon prefers Leonard's seat, even moving in front of Leonard to get the full THX feel of the sound in the theatre.

Of course, Sheldon is just getting warmed up. Interrupting Leonard while he is asleep, Sheldon points out that Stephanie's Facebook page lists her as "single" rather than "in a relationship." Worse, she threw a digital sheep at a guy named Mike. (That slut!) Leonard tries to spell it out...

"OK, I'm going to make this very simple for you. YOU are not in this relationship. I am. Ergo, you have ***NO*** say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie!"

"I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit and I am relieving you of command."

"Starfleet General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation."

"Give me one good reason why not."

"BECAUSE THIS IS NOT STAR TREK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

As Sheldon is having no luck getting through to Leonard (and reality is having no luck getting through to him), he invokes Penny's help. To his credit, he is improving in his social skills by bringing Penny a loaf of banana bread. Of course, he brings the bread as an opportunity for impromptu conversation. After a quick critique of the state of Penny's apartment, he gets to his point: obtaining data on how Leonard's other relationships have failed. Naturally, he thought of Penny first. He wants to know what Leonard did that made Penny "pop a cap in his emotional buttocks." (More urban slang.) Penny breaks down: "we were young and very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house." Apparently, Penny is Sandra and Leonard is Keanu, and there isn't a speeding bus anywhere near them.

Sheldon is getting more and more desperate: he asks the advice of Howard and Raj. Even they are shocked. They do agree with Sheldon about Leonard's dating record, though. Joyce Kim defected to North Korea after 27 days, 2 booty calls with Leslie Winkle merely earned him the nickname "Speed of Light Leonard," and a dinner with Penny that made Britney Spears' first marriage look like "From Here to Eternity." But what do they do about Leonard? Raj's suggestion: to make Leonard more appealing to Stephanie, kill all the other men on the planet. Howard's advice: don't spritz with that body spray from the commercial that makes the women take their clothes off, since it doesn't work, no matter how much of it you use. With Sheldon's two best suggestions thus far being apocalyptic genocide and "easy on the cologne," Sheldon returns to Penny with another new tactic: zucchini bread and pinpointing Penny's menstrual cycle. Apparently during the ovulation period, female primates (apes, chimpanzees, Penny) secrete pheromones when their mate is being courted by a rival. The rest of the question is obscured by Penny slamming the door in Sheldon's face. Clearly, he is 14 days too early.

Leonard is having another dinner with Stephanie, although he thinks he ruined it before Sheldon got there. ("Leonard, you had some cheese dip, you farted, I thought it was cute.") Sheldon is grunting away in the kitchen. The reason: he's trying to get Leonard to open a jar of white asparagus, making Leonard the alpha male in the house. (Sheldon thinks that Stephanie will release the oxytocin needed to help things.) Since Leonard can't punch Sheldon in the face to prove it, he tries to open the jar. It still won't open, so he bangs the lid to loosen it. Unfortunately, Leonard breaks the jar and cuts his hand open in the process. Not a problem, Dr. Stephanie can stitch that up. Leonard will come right along, just after getting queasy and throwing up in the sink, right on Sheldon's defrosting steak. Leonard gets stitched up right away, and Stephanie thought he did well for such a crybaby. Leonard can deny all he wants, but of course Sheldon doesn't take his side on the whole crying issue.

Back home, Raj wants to see Leonard's stitches. So does Wolowitz, which also answers the question of why Howard never went to medical school. (At least he didn't hit the steak) Penny enters to inform everybody that Leonard updated his Facebook status to say he's in a relationship. Everybody thinks he's too needy, except that it was Sheldon that hacked in and updated his Facebook page. In spite of the fact that Leonard's password is easy to hack (Kal-El), Leonard completely loses it...

"Are you insane? Now she's going to think I'm desperate! You've destroyed this relationship! And you know what the worst part is!?!? You don't even UNDERSTAND what you did wrong because you can't even conceive of something that you're not an expert in!!!!"

"**In** which I'm not..."

"DON'T EVEN!!!!!!!!!!"

However, things turn completely around. On Stephanie's Facebook page, it now says that Dr. Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Dr. Leonard Hofstadter." Leonard can't believe it: he has a girlfriend. And it's Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.

r73731


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