Leonard Hofstadter: What's the emergency?
Howard Wolowitz: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon Cooper: Where?
Howard Wolowitz: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
Sheldon Cooper: What's plan B?
Howard Wolowitz: Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon Cooper: Why wasn't that plan A?
Announcer: It's unclear how the Mars rover got into the crevice, but one thing's certain: the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars.
[Howard's mouth falls open in shock]
Announcer: It's a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we'll never know who's responsible.
Howard Wolowitz: Son of a bitch.
Raj Koothrappali: [Attempting to determine which Sci-fi show to watch the two heroes expand the rock-paper-scissors game] I'll tell you what. How about we go rock-paper-scissors?
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.
Raj Koothrappali: What?
Sheldon Cooper: It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Howard Wolowitz: There's got to be other options.
Raj Koothrappali: Could try calling Triple-A. But based on NASA's latest time table, they won't get there for thirty-five years.
Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I understand that you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, snap!
Sheldon Cooper: Snap what?
Stephanie: So, how was your day?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, I'm a physicist, so I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That's it?
Leonard Hofstadter: I wrote some of it down.
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?
[They all draw Spock]
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
Howard Wolowitz: How do we decide that?
Penny: [Trying to get Howard to admit he works on the Mars Rover project] No, I remember specifically, you started by asking if I was from Mars, because my ass was out of this world.
Sheldon Cooper: If someone, and of course we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know... Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you going to the office?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just say, "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon Cooper: All right.
Sheldon Cooper: "Leonard went to... the office."
Leonard Hofstadter: What is-? No, not like that; just "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon Cooper: This would have worked out a lot better if you had just told me you were going to the office.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to the office.
Sheldon Cooper: See, why don't I believe you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Let me ask you something: if your friend thinks he's dating someone, but he's not, because in fact you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well that depends.
Leonard Hofstadter: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah...
Penny: Screw him - you're fine.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you sure?
Penny: Well... Have you slept with her yet?
Penny: You dog! Good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Does that change things?
Leonard Hofstadter: So, why did you ask?
Penny: I'm nosy!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, if it isn't Mrs Dead To Me.
Stephanie: Hello, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence; I'm out.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't want to watch Saturn 3; Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon Cooper: How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj Koothrappali: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard Hofstadter: Compromise; watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon Cooper: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, five is part way between three an... Never mind.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Sheldon Cooper: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured!
Sheldon Cooper: No; no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction while Star Trek I fails across the board: art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
Stephanie: So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard Hofstadter: No one's a scientist like Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, buddy, what brings you to my little slice of Hell?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who is it?
Howard Wolowitz: It's Leonard!
Mrs. Wolowitz: You're gonna have to play outside! I'm not dressed to receive!
Howard Wolowitz: No one cares, Ma!
Howard Wolowitz: So, what's up?
Leonard Hofstadter: These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.
Sheldon Cooper: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak, and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's just ridiculous! Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't make the rules, Leonard.
Stephanie: I'm sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just said Howard's a terrific guy. He's got a great sense of humour, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much.
Stephanie: I really like that you're such a loyal friend.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture. Just, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
Stephanie: Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then why did you?
Stephanie: He said that I could drive a car on Mars.
Leonard Hofstadter: Got it.
Howard Wolowitz: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like: "Normally I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you they work."
Penny: Howard, your scooter's blocking my car.
[Sees Howard with an eyepatch]
Penny: Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard Wolowitz: Step one, she notices the eye-patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as *hot* as you do with such greasy hair.
[Penny pulls on the eyepatch and snaps it back]
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
Howard Wolowitz: Ow.