Stuart: Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It's mind-blowing.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me! Spoiler alert!
Stuart: But I didn't spoil anything.
Sheldon Cooper: You told me it's mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown, and once a mind is *pre*-blown, it cannot be *re*-blown.
Stuart: I'm sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: Said the Grinch to Christmas.
Sheldon Cooper: Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books.
[takes a deep breath]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes!
Howard Wolowitz: They're on me today, boys.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You're paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I'm celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station, where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, get over yourself. It's a high-tech toilet.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just think, thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.
Howard Wolowitz: Is that supposed to be funny?
Sheldon Cooper: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb "to go" suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, make your little jokes. But of the four of us, I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.
Rajesh Koothrappali: He's right. This is an important achievement for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Interesting, Penny's current suitor asking advice from her former suitor.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, thanks for closed-captioning my pain, Raj.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you wanna make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm listening.
Howard Wolowitz: Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years.
Sheldon Cooper: You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract, which is completed by the checking of the message! If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard Hofstadter: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon Cooper: At times.
Howard Wolowitz: Here's an approximation of the spare parts available on the space station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but *this*, to reinforce this, so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You mean so it doesn't hit the fan?
Sheldon Cooper: Yaeh, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition.
[shakes his head]
Sheldon Cooper: Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop.
Howard Wolowitz: Where you going?
Leonard Hofstadter: Comic book store.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Me too.
Howard Wolowitz: Now hold on, you guys can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.
Sheldon Cooper: Why does Leonard get to go?
Howard Wolowitz: Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks for understanding, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: I got your back, sister.
Penny: What the hell is that?
Howard Wolowitz: Meatloaf.
Leonard Hofstadter: What was it doing on the ceiling?
Howard Wolowitz: That's classified.
Howard Wolowitz: Guys, we have a code red.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or Code Red the cherry flavored soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I was going over the schematics on my Zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny-tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.
Leonard Hofstadter: How teeny-tiny?
Howard Wolowitz: It's gonna fail after about ten flushes.
Sheldon Cooper: But the mission is for six months.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, see, that's the code red! It's kind of like a jack in the box. No one knows exactly when, but at some point, something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.
Sheldon Cooper: Have you notified NASA?
Howard Wolowitz: No! You crazy? What am I gonna say, "I screwed up your toilet and pretty soon there's gonna be crap floating all over your nice shiny space station"?
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you gonna do?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm gonna figure out how to fix it, then I'll tell them.
Leonard Hofstadter: So what do you need us for?
Rajesh Koothrappali: He can't figure out how to fix it.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm trying. But you have to admit, this is pretty damn funny!
Sheldon Cooper: I think you're overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you're building.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I know what I'm doing.
Sheldon Cooper: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn't be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Howard, wait. Why don't you use this instead of the PVC to keep the transverse filter assembly in place?
Howard Wolowitz: Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Is that what that's for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese.
[turning to Sheldon]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie.
Sheldon Cooper: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your Master's degree.
Howard Wolowitz: [on the phone with NASA] Yes, sir, I understand classified. We'll keep it all classified. No one has to know anything about this but you and me.
Penny: What's classified?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard's space toilet. I'll tell you later.
Howard Wolowitz: [hanging up and sitting down to eat] Well, they've deployed our solution; let's just all hope it works.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't see why I have to worry. My career's not hanging in the balance.
[Sheldon smirks at Howard]
Sheldon Cooper: That was a joke. It's funny because it's true.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no that's the past. I'm really more of a right now kind of guy. You know, living in the moment. Although I do have to live a little in the future, 'cause, well, that's my job. Of course, my fondness for classic science fiction does draw my attention backwards, but those stories often take place in the future. In conclusion, no, it doesn't bother me.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Stuart, have you read the new Flash?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I have, and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.
[Howard's space toilet has supposedly been fixed]
Astronaut: Houston, uh, International Space Station. We have a little situation up here. We'd like to make an unscheduled space walk.
Ground Controller: ISS, Houston. Which crew members would be involved in this EVA?
Astronaut: Houston, we'd *all* like to step outside for a few minutes.
Ground Controller: ISS, I'm afraid we can't authorize that.
Astronaut: Uh, Houston, this is more of an FYI call. We are basically out the door.
Penny: He's very shy; how do I make him feel more comfortable around me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, first of all, don't underestimate the value of discomfort.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure. That's why he works in a comic book store.
Leonard Hofstadter: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart's date with Penny.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.
Sheldon Cooper: You don't really believe in that superstition, do you?
Rajesh Koothrappali: It's not superstition, it's practically Newtonian. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch. Therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It's actually a very elegant system. You know, what goes around comes around.
Howard Wolowitz: [motions Raj to return to working on the space toilet] Speaking of what goes around comes around...