Sometimes, the guys have to man up and deal with issues that they don't want to. Thankfully, they finally did and killed a spider in the apartment...by asking Penny to do it. As they continue with dinner, Penny tells them the news: the neighbors upstairs in 5A are moving out...
"The horror! No no no no no!"
It's pretty ironic that a person like Sheldon, who has intimate working knowledge of our ever-changing universe, is so apprehensive about any part of his world changing. Of course, it didn't matter that Sheldon never met the people in 5A.
"That's what made them perfect! There were no awkward hellos in the halls, no clickety-clack of high-heel shoes on hardwood floors. They might have well been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape...without that annoying ammonia-urine smell." (I have two cats: that IS annoying.)
While Sheldon contemplates the horror...prodded by an annoyed Penny, Howard has an inspiration: he can move into the apartment upstairs. He could get away from his mother, and everybody could spend more time together.
"The horror! The horror!" Yup, that was Penny this time.
It will be interesting to see the guys help Howard move, provided Sheldon is justly compensated for his troubles. He has a hard time believing that a pizza is S.O.P. for a move. However, thanks to Raj and Sheldon's inability to understand everyday minutiae, it's been negotiated up to a Sony PlayStation 3. He rejected the mountain bike. However, this will be a moot point, as Howard's mother decides to threaten Howard with cutting the cord...completely.
"Ma, I'll come over for dinner every night!"
"THE HELL YOU WILL. WHAT AM I RUNNING HERE, A FANCY RESTAURAAAAHTTT??? DOES THIS LOOK LIKE AAAAHHHLIVE GAAHHHDEN!!!!!?
Leonard has to act quickly; Penny no longer needs to put her head in the oven.
Back at the apartment lobby, Sheldon is not happy about the incoming boxes. ("They're heeeerrreee!") Fortunately, it doesn't take long to meet their tall, blonde, REALLY hot new neighbor...wait, what's her name? (rolling back the DVR) Alicia! That's it, Alicia. Leonard is immediately smitten, of course, but Sheldon is not yet impressed. He has a few questions for Alicia.
1. On a scale of 1 to 10, how light of foot are you, 1 being not catlike at all, and 10 being freakishly feline? (freakishly feline?)
2. Are you, or have ever been, a salsa, Irish folk, or breakdancer? (no)
3. Are you fertile? I'm just trying to determine if crying infants are a possibility. (I have no immediate plans)
4. Area rugs: pro or con? (Pro?)
"Alicia...welcome to the building."
Meanwhile, Alicia is making Leonard feel at home...by letting him carry a heavy box up to the 5th floor. On the way, they run into Penny who introduces herself and says she's going jogging. At least, that's the cover for wearing a "Hillary 2008" t-shirt until Sheldon narcs on her that she doesn't have any clean clothes. Alicia tries to be demure about it by saying she's dressed like a slob as well. Well, if a slob just came from a magazine photo shoot, that is. Penny's jealousy is not helped by Leonard practically drooling all over Alicia's box, and only because it blocks him from Alicia herself. After Alicia and Leonard leave, she starts to mimic Alicia, which Sheldon amazingly picks up on. Well, partially anyway, as he tries to impress Penny with his General Ackbar impression from Return of the Jedi. (You're not missing anything, trust me.)
As Sheldon perfects his skills at "air computing," Penny comes in looking for Leonard so he can hook up her printer as promised. As it happens, Leonard is still up at Alicia's, hooking up her stereo with Howard and Raj, which Sheldon takes as a tactical maneuver to destroy him. Penny seems to have issues with that as well. "Typical," she says. She's none too relieved by Sheldon's explanation that Penny's statement is actually quite atypical, since the guys never met Alicia before nor entered that apartment.
As we discover Howard's moves don't work on Alicia any better than any other woman (although his cover is improving), Penny walks in, under the guise of presenting a welcoming bottle of wine to Alicia, with high heels and a dress that leaves as little to the imagination as you can get away with on a TV-14 episode. While most of the male population have paused their DVRs, the guys are totally nonplussed by it. Of course, Penny just thinks she's dressed like a "slob" in it. (You could fertilize every farm in Nebraska with that line.) And for those who thought the knife wasn't far enough in Penny's back, Leonard happily tells her that Alicia is also an actress with several national commercials and a recurring role on a soap.
"That's why I work at the Cheesecake Factory; I'm just waiting for the right part." (Speaking of Nebraska...)
Alicia has the guys firmly wrapped around her finger, getting them to set up the stereo and her printer with only a wink and a few "sweeties" and "honeys" thrown in. Of course, if Penny asks Leonard to set up her printer (like he promised a week ago), she's rebuked with a "don't nag me!" But before she can be sickened by a liquored-up Raj hit on Alicia, she tries for a physics joke...
"A physicist walks into an ice cream parlor and orders an ice cream for himself and one for the empty seat next to him. He does this for weeks until the owner asks him what he's doing. The physicist says, "well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics tells us that the matter above this stool to spontaneously change into a beautiful woman, who might accept my offer and fall in love with me. The owner says that lots of beautiful women come in here. Why not buy an ice cream for them? The physicist says, "yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?" Apparently, the guys find that more insulting than funny.
An angry and dejected Penny returns to Sheldon, who is still unaffected by Alicia. Well, other than the stomping the guys are doing, but obviously that's an entirely different effect. She doesn't want to care what the guys do, but she clearly does. After all, she did memorize that stupid joke. Sheldon has one of his "seemingly not relevant but is actually dead-on" hypothetical.
"Sometimes a new queen will come in a hive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, either the old queen must locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains."
"What are you saying? That I'm threatened by Alicia? That I'm, like, the old queen of the hive, and it's time for me to go."
"I'm just talking about bees. They're on the Discovery Channel. What are YOU talking about?"
Penny now tries to win back favor with the guys by buying them Chinese food. She even remembers Sheldon's chicken to be diced instead of shredded, brown rice, mustard and low-sodium soy sauce from the market. ("See how it's done, Leonard?") She is really trying, offering to play Halo, watch Battlestar Galactica, even drop Mentos in Diet Coke. ("No, PMS is something else, Raj.") Right on cue, Alicia knocks and asks Leonard for a ride to an audition for CSI where she would play a hooker who gets killed (for those of you wondering about the episode's title). Sure enough, Leonard is only too happy to help, and Howard will practice lines with her. Raj just wants to go with. Alicia will take them out for Chinese food...even though there's Chinese food right in front of them. Penny is mad as hell now, watching the guys pant after her like trained dogs. Alicia even got Howard to drive to Orange County to get her television.
"When we first met, you got Leonard and me to get your TV from your ex-boyfriend."
"Apples and oranges, Sheldon!"
Penny is very upset that Alicia is trying to skate by on her looks and taking advantage of weak-willed men, getting auditions for network shows. Needless to say, her corn is creamed. She decides to confront Alicia about it the next day in the laundry. The fact that Alicia was disappointed that physicists don't make a lot might have been the proverbial breaking point. Penny can't let her let the guys paint her bedroom and install a satellite dish.
"Leonard and Howard and Raj aren't like other guys. They're special. How can I explain this? They don't know how to use their shields."
"Like in Star Trek, when you go into battle, you raise the shields. (yikes!) Where the hell did that come from? Anyway, you know how guys like this are, so please don't take advantage of them."
Suddenly Alicia's is ticked off. "I'm not taking advantage of them. And how is that different that what you're doing? I've seen you around them."
"OK, lady. You're WAY out of line."
"Well, what are you gonna do about it, bitch?"
It doesn't take long for the guys to figure out what Penny will do about it...
"MY GOD!!!! GIRL FIGHT!!!!!!!" Of course, Howard stops Leonard from breaking it up.
On the plus side, Penny defended her honor well...that is, other than the black eye, busted lip, and chipped tooth. The only one more upset than Penny (who wasn't helped by Howard STILL hitting on her) was Sheldon, who knows Leonard set Alicia's stereo to DTS by the sound coming through the ceiling. ("She called me cutie.") Alicia was on a date with one of the producers on CSI ("dead whore on TV, live one in real life"), and Sheldon is very upset that they seem to enjoy jumping up and down on the bed in Alicia's room. Well, that's what he hears from the bedsprings. Of course, nobody has the heart to correct him.