"The Big Bang Theory: The Killer Robot Instability (#2.12)"
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It is a great day in the land of geek. The day when those with an advanced intellect get in touch with their prehistoric Neanderthal side and ready themselves to fight in an arena of hatred and violence. Also known as... KILLER ROBOT WARS! The boys, led by Howard's engineering prowess, have designed a quality steed in the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization & Termination Eradicator...aka M.O.N.T.E. With it's razor-sharp circular saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armor-plated exoskeleton top and bottom and 110 horsepower that can go from zero to HOLY CRAP in 4.8 seconds. They are ready to test it out. Raj wants to destroy a Magic 8 Ball to see what's inside, but Sheldon quickly ruins that for him. Leonard decides on the toaster oven, because it happened to walk into the wrong boys' bathroom at the wrong time. The machine is set (and Raj's "Die toaster die" remark is so inspiring), and the toaster oven is toast. This doesn't interest Penny, who walks up the stairs, unaware that the machine crashes through the door and is almost given the Full M.O.N.T.E. (oh, like you didn't see that one coming)

Penny's interest is (semi) piqued by what the guys are doing. Shocked that she didn't know about the Southern California Robot Fighting League Round-Robin Invitational, Howard explains that there's a banquet and dance afterward. Naturally, Howard wants Penny to go, since she'd be the only girl there. Correction...according to Howard, she'd be the only "do-able" girl there. Penny does her normal repulsive look and calls Howard a pig. This time, however, Howard decides not to follow Leonard's advice to shut up and presses the issue with Penny. "How is 'do-able' anything but a compliment?" Of course, he's just started digging his own grave.

"Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango. The carnal repartee, the erotic to and 'fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will HAVE to succumb and eat the entree while it's still (demonstrates a sizzle) hot!"

Today, it would appear that, after 18 months, Penny has reached her limit.

"Normally, I can just ignore you. I get it, you're a little peculiar. Like Sheldon..."

"EXCUSE ME, Penny. But in this room, you're the one who's a little peculiar."

"You may be right. But back to you. I know you think you're just some smooth-talking ladies man, but the truth is you are just pathetic and creepy."

"So...what are you saying?"

"I am saying it is not a compliment to call me do-able. It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say 'Oooh, it must be jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that.' And most of all, we are NOT dancing a tango, we're NOT to-ing and fro-ing, nothing's going to happen between us! EVER!"

A few words got through to Howard's thick skull: "Wait a minute. We're not flirting, you're serious." And here come the rest...

"Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you?!? No woman is ever going to flirt with you! You're just going to grow old and die alone!"

The guys are shocked; even Sheldon knows she went over the line. But the damage is done; Howard goes home to "live his creepy and pathetic life." Although Raj thinks maybe Penny could be entered in the Killer Robot Competition.

Sadly, Penny's words were like daggers; Howard is in bed and hasn't gone to work. Even his mother is concerned that he hasn't gone to school and asks if Leonard should bring him his homework. Overhearing Howard's argument with his mother over the phone-over a popsicle, Leonard gives up. However, Howard's placement on the D.R. (depression reseverve) list is badly-timed. A co-worker, Kripke, comes by to challenge the guys about their killer robot. Apparently, Kripke has about the same sex life as the guys, especially given that he sounds like the love child of Elmer Fudd and the Impressive Clergyman from "The Princess Bride."

"Well, if you have any delusions about entering him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler, in the Southern Cawifornia Wobot Fighting Weague Wound-Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.R.F.L.R.R.I., his name is going to be Scwap Metal."

Well, Sheldon knows trash talk when he hears it...

"Your robot is inferior. And it will be defeated by ours because ours EXCEEDS yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand your mother is overweight....but if you're mother is overweight because of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, then I retract that comment." (there are boundaries, after all)

Kripke offers a compromise: a war in the lab tomorrow. Leonard declines because Howard is on D.R. because he is pathetic and creepy and can't get girls. Kripke refuses that excuse, as EVERYBODY is pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.

Leonard goes to Penny's apartment and asks her to apologize to Howard. She staunchly refuses at first, but Leonard tries sympathy, saying Howard's been in bed for two days. ("Probably with a blow-up doll.") But Leonard presses on, saying that Penny has two sides: she has that overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on. She's usually a sweet Bruce Banner, but sometimes she can turn into a grrrrrrr. ("A bear?") Leonard drops the Hulk reference to offer Penny advice on how to say what she said in a nicer way. After she Bronx cheers that idea away, he goes for the jugular, reminding Penny, on the day they met, how he went to her ex-boyfriend's apartment to get back her TV, only to return in his underwear.

"And you said you owed me one!"

"That's no fair."

"I had no pants!!"

Penny heads to Howard's house. In spite of Howard's objection to see her, Penny slips past his mom and goes upstairs. Penny chooses her words carefully, apologizing for some things that she said. About Howard. Apparently, he has feelings, and apparently she hurt them. So she's sorry. Howard tells her to leaving, saying he's over it, refusing to be "traumatized by some random comment made by some random woman." Penny should have ran out, because Howard sobs like a little girl. Meanwhile, the Kwipke Kwippler is warming up for its match with M.O.N.T.E.---by destroying a Chevy Cavalier. Leonard and Raj want to give in, but Sheldon refuses to run away from a fight. ("Oh, please. We've been running away from fights our whole life. I can squeeze through a fence half my size.") Sheldon, however, has every confidence in their robot, because the robot has no fear and Sheldon can prepare him. ("Why not prepare him with a bladder and shorts so he can wet himself?") Sheldon tells him to have faith in him, as engineering is the slow younger brother of physics. He can modify M.O.N.T.E.---as soon as he figures out how to open the toolbox.

Penny is consoling a crying Howard, who is relating stories of his youth. In particular, he laments about a girl who had the hottest overbite, once the braces came off (like a sexy chipmunk). He even wrote a song about her. (I'm not listing the whole thing; just substitute the words "Marcy Grossman" for the words "My Girl" in the famous Temptations song.) Marcy smiled at him...and spit in his hair. Before Howard gets to what happened in the 10th grade, Penny stops him and wonders if he might try too hard. She tells him that his smart, funny, and has a cool job.

"I've know you for like a year and a half and this is the first time I feel like I'm talking to a real person. And you know what? I like him. He's a nice guy."

"You really think so?"

"I do."

Then that sweet, kind guy that Penny hasn't seen in a year and a half...must have gone out for a sandwich, because Howard goes in for a kiss. He ends up with Penny's fist instead.

In the lab, Leonard is impressed with Kripke's robot. The blade than can spin at 3400 rpm and cut through steel like it was "wubber" is enough for Leonard to want to leave. However, Sheldon is trying to make up for all the painful noogies and wedgies guys like Kripke gave him through the years, not to mention the insensitively-named Indian burns. Sheldon is convinced he has sufficiently upgraded the robot, even though he only added fresh batteries. The battle is on. M.O.N.T.E. is holding its own---until the Kripke Kwippler breaks out the flame thrower. M.O.N.T.E. can't escape faster. ("Don't hurt us! Don't hurt us!"

Sadly, the robot cannot be repaired. Sheldon blames his hubris and his pride for it coming to this. He takes full responsibility. (and nobody argues) Howard and Penny arrive, Howard all bandaged up. Penny explains he slipped and fell, and Howard agrees. But now Howard knows "what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don't treat them with respect." ("Yeah. They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed.") Sheldon apologizes to Howard about the robot and will help bury it in the morning. Penny wonders, "Sheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little carried away. It was just a toy robot."

"Just a t-toy robot?" That makes two men Penny made cry. She knows...she has to fix it. But Howard is not depressed; he figures he's halfway to pity sex.

r73731


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