Lauren Treacy: [to Amy] And I would go to a doctor before you go to whoever this guy is. There may be something else wrong with you that's making you test positive for pregnancy even though you're not pregnant.
Madison Cooperstein: Like the monkey pox or a flesh-eating virus. That would be a relief.
Amy Juergens: No, no, no, it would. She's right. I'm calling my doctor.
Lauren Treacy: You're calling? Don't you think your mother should do that?
Amy Juergens: You don't think I'm telling my mother about this, do you?
Lauren Treacy: You have to. Either you're sick or you're pregnant. She's gonna find out sooner or later.
Madison Cooperstein: Why?
Lauren Treacy: Because she'll either die or have a baby.
[Amy has told her friends that she had sex, and they want more details about it]
Amy Juergens: It was nothing!
Lauren Treacy: Okay, by nothing, you mean what?
Amy Juergens: It was... not that great?
Madison Cooperstein: And by not that great, you mean...?
Amy Juergens: I'm not even sure it was sex, okay, guys?
Lauren Treacy: Why not?
Amy Juergens: I don't know! I didn't exactly realize what was happening until, like, after two seconds, and then it was just over. And it wasn't fun and definitely not like what you see in the movies, you know, all romantic and stuff.
Ben Boykewich: [at the end of his first talk with the new counselor] Could I have a condom?
Marcelino Molina: For what?
Ben Boykewich: You're gonna need to know what a condom's for if you're gonna make it at this job, Mark.
Marcelino Molina: .Get out of my office.
Ashley Juergens: [at the dinner table, talking about her day at school] Why do these people think there's something wrong with a belly button? It's not like everyone doesn't have one. I mean, I have one, they have one, you have one. Personally, I don't see the big deal if it shows, I mean, it's not like anyone else is covering their buttons.
Anne Juergens: Well, they're supposed to. It's in the dress code.
Ashley Juergens: Yes, Mother, but no one pays attention to the dress code.
Jack Pappas: [during a football huddle in the locker room before a game] Father, forgive us for our many sins, for not being strong when temptation leads us astray... Give us the strength to do thy will... especially when it's much easier to give in to the pleasures of the flesh... Let us not be distracted by the women who are here to lead us in to situations that would lead us straight into hell and destroy our souls forever... but to cheer us on to victory... their short skirts and tight sweaters... and hot bodies...
Jack Pappas: [to Grace] Is oral sex allowed before marriage? I mean, if two people are committed to each other and in love with each other, would that be allowed?
Grace Bowman: I don't know. I'll ask my mother.
[Jack spits out his drink]
Grace Bowman: I'm kidding. Kidding!