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"I, Claudius" A Touch of Murder (TV Episode 1976) Poster

(TV Mini-Series)

(1976)

Quotes

[first lines]

Claudius: I, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus... this, that and the other...

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[on Marcellus]

Tiberius: Frankly, I wouldn't have thought you'd care whether he lived or died.

Livia: Oh I care very much whether he lives or dies.

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Livia: Tell me, what do you think of Julia?

Tiberius: Nothing. Why?

Livia: Nobody could accuse you of being devious. She thinks very well of you.

Tiberius: What's that supposed to mean.

Livia: Nothing. She likes you, that's all. Always has.

Tiberius: Mother, I'm a happily married man. Julia doesn't interest me. She wouldn't interest me even if you hung her naked from the ceiling above my bed.

Livia: She might even do that if I asked her.

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Marcus Agrippa: I'm getting a little tired of being taught the arts of war by kids that have only just learned how to piss in a pot.

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[on Livia's plan to have Tiberius marry Julia]

Tiberius: Anyway, where does all this get us? There's not only Marcellus, there's Agrippa too. And August prefers both of them to me.

Julia: [Screams off stage] No, *no*.

Tiberius: Ye gods, what's that?

Livia: It sounds as though there is now only Agrippa

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Julia: There are hundreds of them on the road. They're coming in from everywhere, Greece, Spain, Gaul, they just keep coming and coming.

Marcellus: They are the blood of Rome, Julia. The people are what makes Rome what she is.

Julia: [laughing] Noisy and uninhabitable.

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[on Marcellus]

Livia: He's very popular, isn't he?

Julia: [Proudly] Yes.

Livia: And with you?

Julia: Why'd you ask?

Livia: Well, there are no children yet...

Julia: There's no issue between you and father, and you've been married for *twenty* years.

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Livia: [to Julia] You know, I remember when I first married your father, you were a little girl and Tiberius was a little boy and you used to play together. Do you remember?

Julia: [laughing] Yes, I do.

Livia: And once you both grew up you seemed to fond of one another, and I had hoped that you'd both...

Julia: [laughing] Yes, I used to adore him.

[pause]

Julia: How foolish one is when one is young.

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[about the Greek Poet]

Augustus: I've asked him to prepare a piece to celebrate the seventh anniversary of the battle of Actium.

Marcellus: [sarcastically] Oh no.

Augustus: What's the matter? Is it too boring for you?

Marcellus: We had one last year.

Augustus: That was last year and the speaker was very dull. This man they say is wonderful.

Marcellus: [impersonating the speaker from last year] "Seven year this day did Antony's hopes sink in the harbor of Actium"

Augustus: You see how the young mock the battle scars of their elders?

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Augustus: Look everyone, it's the cake.

Julia: [wittily] Do we get one each?

Augustus: [laughing] Julia, for heaven's sake.

[all laugh at her comment]

Marcus Agrippa: It's my ship.

Augustus: Yes the one you made your headquarters.

Marcus Agrippa: She was a fine ship.

Marcellus: Ah.

[short pause; pointing to the cherry on the top]

Marcellus: That must be you, Marcus; The candied-cherry in the prow.

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Marcellus: [ill with "food poisoning"] You're so good to me.

Livia: Goodness has nothing to do with it.

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Augustus: Wait till you see what Marcellus has in store for us. He's got a rhinoceros.

Livia: What on earth is that?

Augustus: A remarkable creature. It has a horn on its nose.

Livia: So has Scipio's wife, he should have used her.

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Livia: [to rioting mob] Just wait till my husband gets home!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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