Kelly Kapoor: So I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer.
[opens envelope and reads from card]
Kelly Kapoor: Roses are red, violets are blue. It's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a checkup, too.
Jim Halpert: I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves.
Meredith Palmer: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight Schrute: Not likely. With three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.
Dwight Schrute: I trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
Michael Scott: Where's Andy?
Oscar Martinez: He's on one of his honeymoons.
Michael Scott: What?
Oscar Martinez: He made nonrefundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot-air ballooning, and later he's got a couples' massage.
Kevin Malone: My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning. We were reading the paper and I said, "Oh, my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East." And she said that we're done.
Michael Scott: I am going to be Cupid. And I'm going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims and they are going to get hit and say, "I'm in love. I was hit by Cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.
Kevin Malone: I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.
Michael Scott: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest...
Jim Halpert: We do.
Michael Scott: ...that none of us can be a part of...
Pam Beesley: You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael Scott: Then we are going to have our own private Valentine's Day party.
Jim Halpert: That sounds fun.
Michael Scott: So suck it.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Hey, everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely hearts convention this afternoon.